14/11/2007

I oso dunno wat to say aledi...wat kind of a day iz today...dunno how to describe...sad, boring, pointless...in the end itz a very negative day hahaha...yesterday couldnt blog again...the net iz down...the paper was average...almost didnt have enough time to finish it...but as always even if u give me another day to study i would hav done no better...i dun really remember how the rest of the day went...juz tat at night i was back to my old self again...i played dota wif sum ppl...i shouldnt even hav played in the first place...i shud hav noticed i wasnt welcomed to play...in the end my temper got the better of me...i guess i still cant accept tat there r such simple ppl or tat other ppl think so differently from me...mayb i m juz too self-centered...tat my way of thinking iz the correct way to go? Look at wat it has done to me as well as the ppl around me...i dunno who to blame de...izzit due to myself? Tat most of everything tat happened iz due to myself? Izzit really true tat sum things dont really matter or iz not such a big problem?...b4 going to tat i juz wana say being in the dota champion team has put such big pressure in every game tat i played...everyone iz expecting me to perform well...tat i m the 'professional'...if i did badly they will tease n talk a lot of bad things...i m oso a human...they r expecting me to win in every game tat i play wif any teammates...therefore i took it too seriously...i always take every game seriously...i yell at ppl tat made me lose the game...coz the pressure iz not on them...ppl aledi know them as 'noobs' or inexperienced players...them losing iz acceptable...i dun really know the meaning of playing for fun aledi...sumtimes i wonder...was it the wrong thing to do? to participate in the tournament?...would it hav been better if i remain an unknown?...sum ppl r veli proud wen they kill my hero in the game...izzit tat i cannot be killed by normal means ah?...i dunno lah...furthermore i hold time more closely than a lot of things in my life...time passed by once in yur life onli...even if i hav 100 more years to go, i kenot turn back time..i m growing older everyday...a lot of opportunities flew past me everyday as well...the game yesterday cost me an hour...so i used an hour in my life juz to let ppl win?...itz not even a tough match...there r certain matches where even if u lose, u lose wif a smile...u lose wif respect to other ppl....but i onli feel disgust...an hour i can do so much...part of my anger iz tat i should hav known better than to play...but the situation at tat time...if onli i could record it down...i was juz sitting there minding my own business wen one of them juz jumped on the bed n say he didnt wana play...i was the onli one goyang there...i fell for the trap =_=...in tat hour i could hav done a lot of things...things tat would hav made me happy instead...even juz lying on my bed listening to music n kacau sum ppl using sms iz better than tis....ok...now for the main point...sum ppl still dun get why i m so angry wif the incident regarding a missed bday party...the truth iz i kenot celebrate it wif the person again...next sem i go LI liao loh...n then itz different...i hav missed the person's bday party as of 2007...even if i celebrate wif the person later, or next year assuming i made it back sumhow during LI...it wouldnt be the same...the same ppl, the same environment...everyone will b different then...everything will not b the same...tat memory i can nvr hold in my heart...tis iz the extent tat i view things in my life...everything tat happens...i hold it closer 10 times more than anyone i know...if it hurts it hurts 10 times more...if it makes me happy, i will truly b happy...but i will remember it all...life is so short...none of my frens sticked around for more than 3 years before...i hav to cherish all the time i hav wif them...v dunno wen any1 of us will b gone due to unforeseen circumstances....tis is onli one of the reasons i m so angry wif the incident anyway...i think i covered the rest of the reasons in a previous post...if i can nvr fit in to any group...if it will onli brings me pain...if trusting sumone will onli bring disappointment...then forget it...i will live my life alone if i hav to...tis is my ultimatum.