15/11/2007

Another day passed by...today whole day oso feel tired nia...at least got study a bit...whew...tis time i got a lot to say oso...but i think i will go on wif the small issues first...how come no one goes supper anymore? Juz now i was chatting wif a fren regarding tis..compared wif our first year, first sem tis time the supper frequencies r pathetic...wat the hell actually happened? Even among the seniors there r cracks tis year...everyone not so close anymore...everything iz changing...so far i dun think i hav really said no to supper without a valid reason b4....n by supper i mean going OUT of UKM to eat...going to neighbouring hostels n eating their food doesnt count..at least for me...i dun like their food as well as the others...i hav onli rejected supper due to morning classes the next day...now there r no more classes...but ppl wana study nia...ok loh...but wen u say no mood...sumhow i dun really comprehend...i tot no mood onli go out for a spin, chat n laugh...try to relax a little n escape from yur worries for a while...mayb ppl dun view supper like i do...how many nights hav i been trying to sleep wif a near-empty stomach...cheezels or biscuits could onli hold a bit nia...n i dun think i need to diet...wen feel hungry juz eat loh...but eating alone...even in supper? i hav been eating alone for lunch n dinner...i dun wana b alone even in supper nia...luckily today got sum company for dinner though...hm...alone...tis time i wont say how terrible i feel nia...i know there r ppl out there who suffered worse than i do...mayb they lost frens in a war or disease or sumthing...i got no one to lose to begin with...no tat i wana lose anyone...i oso dunno wat i talking about de...to hav n lose it iz worse than to not hav it at all? i kenot really answer tat question...i think it all depends on how u think or view things nia...ok..time for the next one nia...tis one...i think will connect wif a lot of things nia...sumtime ago i was trying to hint a bit to sumone about the blog...but i nvr expect tat the person would be so respectful of my privacy n did not ask anything about it...i respect tat...i wouldnt hav known earlier...i juz tot tat perhaps we can b frens again...as a lot of stuff happened between both of us b4...then now almost 1 sem of minimal contact...n both of us oso kinda lonely n isolated...except tat the person got a partner de...ok, put tat aside, the thing iz there r other ppl who overheard me talking bout the blog n started to ask around...tis iz putting a burden to those who knew bout tis blog aledi...haihz...if they could get watever they know about me in the blog then they dun need to talk to me anymore liao loh...itz not like they will talk bout the things in tis blog wif me...furthermore i heard tat sum of the ppl related to the incident a week oso wana peek inside my thoughts...i wont blame any of u if u decided to tell them...juz dun like spread it around...if they ask n u feel they need to know...then give them lah...if i feel the need i will juz start another blog sumwhere i guess...so...the following part iz about the incident last week...i think i didnt really list down all my reasons for my anger nia...n yes...the feelings still reside in me...there is no way i can forget it in so short time especially wen entertainment, fun n frens are in such rare quantity...juz seeing any of u...will remind me of exactly how i felt last week...tat day...the rest of us who r worried for the absence of sum ppl waited for a long time...v seriously tot they forgot bout the time, got lost or sumthing...1 hour+ i think...on top of tat, i was hit by a stomachache...as tat it was getting late n the shops r closing...it wouldnt be surprising to find the toilets locked...so i juz tried my best to keep it in...why didnt i go to the ktm station toilet then? It was the last train...if it suddenly went crazy n arrived earlier while i m still in there then how? wat the others shud do? wait for me or get on the last train? if u dare guarantee tat the train will onli b later than the scheduled time then nothing else i can say...i juz heard tat one of the fellas waiting wif us mentioned tat the train sumtimes will arrive early....u know how humiliating it will b if me, sumone approaching the age of 21, soiled his pants? i m going to ride a ktm back home...how will i smell in such a small place? not to mention tat all of our worries...our sincere care for their sake n safety were wasted wen later it was revealed they got back on an earlier train to prepare for a party tat i missed later...sure they messaged me tat there iz gona b a party n dun tell the celebrated one wen they left us during dinner...n by tat i tot they were shopping for goods...they said they were buying sumthing wen one of us ask them...ask anyone out there if they would hav known by tat message wat the main plans r...but even if i knew...how can i leave those who were sincerely waiting for them? i dunno lah...wat shud i hav done?...i hold in a stomachache, i wasted more than an hour juz to find out tat i hav been brushed aside again...i cant even sit during the ktm trip back to UKM...we even had to wait for a second round of taxis to take us back to the hostel...wen the taxi arrived i dashed for the toilet...sumhow i felt i got talked bout the rest of the story b4 but i will continue juz in case...after tat i went to take a bath as well..took around 30 minutes nia...came back to my room to see my hp wif 3 missed calls i think...then it rang again...i looked for my headphone...i tot i told the caller that my hp iz busted b4...he hang up...then i smsed wassup? he replied a while later...'nothing liao. end joh.'...so i asked...wat end joh?...'bday party'...i was devastated then...no one asked bout where i m, no one waited for me...i m sure got ppl inform tat i was suffering from a stomachache..i dunno how to react de...still holding the hp in my hand i watched sum ppl play badminton...then they oso finish their game...i juz sit in my room...soon after...a bigger blow came...those fellas tat i was watching them play badminton...they went for the party after taking a bath...no one told me the party was still on...no one smsed...later wen i checked in frenster for pictures...there were so many ppl...none of them cared for me...hatred iz all i hav now...n they were smiling in the pictures as well...no one knew how i felt back in my room...no one could possibly understand...'end liao'...will u go even after receiving a message like tat?...i dun care if any of u forget bout my bday...it iz expected aledi...but how can u make me missed sumone's bday party instead? Mayb sum of them know i m not around for a reason but wat about the others? wat will they think?...izzit really tat no one asked where i m?...so my image in their minds iz tat of a cold n introverted person?...tat i dun even bother coming to a bday party of sumone i knew?...I WANTED TO COME dammit...i cant even wish the person face to face wen i could hav...no point sms a message aledi loh...now how m i supposed to sleep wen i m so angry now...honestly i was hoping for the day wen sum of u wana confront me bout wat i wan or wat i feel...then i can juz blow up n let everything out...i can cut off our frenship properly as well if needed...like i said in the previous post...it iz my ultimatum...i dont care anymore...today i played dota again even though i juz complained bout it yesterday...but there is nothing much i can do to relax in the hostel...i dun hav frens to chat wif..n i m lazy to study...i m contradicting myself...izzit acceptable to say tat the person who accompanied me to dinner wanted to play dota so i juz joined in?...to force me to go back on my words...all tis anger n hatred...wat can i do about it? punch the wall? throw the chair? cry in my bed? no...it wont work...the pain wont go away...i juz wan sumone to lean on...sumone to understand...sumone to help me...sumone to stop me from falling deeper...sumone to care for me...sumone...sumone to talk wif.