17/11/2007

Saturday looo...sumhow no mood to study at all today...instead went around playing...life here bcomes more boring...i think i actually regret working so hard for PKK...doesnt justify my life here...living in senior block doesnt seem so bad now...internet connection iz terrible...playing dota not tat important in my life anymore...i still depend on it for entertainment...guess i really shud stop entirely now...today actually no mood to play dota...itz juz a socialising tool back in ipoh...watz the use here now?...sure i managed to secure a win in a tournament last year wif a group of frens...fame? yeah...but along wif it iz the pressure...i juz wana live my life normally...i juz wanted to test my skills in a real competitive environment...i dun really care if ppl forget tat i actually win tat one...it would hav been for the better...sum ppl fear playing wif me...sum of them take pride in defeating me...my bad temper oso grew due to tis game...but i kenot find any substitution here...due to the lack of on9 services i cant chat wif ppl...yes, chatting wif ppl iz enuf reason for me to not play nia...i wana talk so much...talk bout anything at all...talk bout how lunch tasted bad...how the weather seems strange nowadays...how the last paper was a disaster...i wana share...i wana connect...but it seems almost impossible here...looking for ppl in the rooms? doesnt feel right...seems as though i m bothering them...but no one gathers at the foyer anymore...now exam season...everyone go to the library...but even so ppl go there to study...even if they gossip...it would b in mandarin..today sumone who juz finished the exams came to the library n taunted us...ok tat sumone iz female...my blood was boiling...i was veli veli pissed off...why u ask? it was a joke right? to me it iz not...due to my lack of interaction of females up to form 6...i hav full respect to almost any girl...i will try my best not to hurt, betray or sabotage her...wen she taunted i could do nothing...i nvr did tat even wen i hav 10 days of rest...but even if i did, it was during free time...not wen sumone else iz studying...truth be told, i hav no time to rest at all...my last programming project took most of my time...it was hard doing tat...the incidents tat happened around me doesnt make things any easier...so i hate tat girl now...the one who taunted me juz now...i nvr expected her to do so...in my eyes she was a decent girl...notice the word 'was'...now...ceh...disgusting...to commit such a childish act...it was aledi hard to do my best n hold on for so long...i was aledi tired...n she juz had to laugh at me from a faraway place...haihz...the loneliness iz biting harder everyday at my heart...almost crashed my motor a few times today as well...i really wanted to talk to a few ppl...sumhow i felt they were the onli one i can connect to...or at least they hav not hurt me...i can juz complain bout my life...but they hav no obligation to talk to me nia...they are...after all...not really a fren i guess....even though they hav reassured me tat v r frens...but not at a high lvl loh...more than juz hostel mates...but sumthing less than a true fren...my frenship wif them...iz not as strong as their frenship wif other ppl...they dun hav a lot of time for me...how can i get ppl to be wif me? izzit a problem at my side?...sumtimes they dun get on9...even if they did, sum wont message me or mayb itz juz the stupid connection preventing them from doing so...hahaha i m defending other ppl again...they deserve the benefit of a doubt though...the connection iz really tat bad...so wen i cant get to them on9 do i sms them frequently? they got their own life n their own frens...bothering them juz for my own selfish purposes? my consciousness dont let me do sumthing like tat nia...izzit a stupid way of thinking? shud i put more priority over myself? hahaha...why bother thinking for others wen none think of u right?...melancholy...the hatred n anger a few days ago turned to bitterness n disappointment...izzit tat juz bcoz they r the popular group so i hav to ignore my own true feelings, be patient n juz smile wen they drive a knife through me?...all the fun things onli occur around them...i hav thinked about wat others tat r not wif the popular group do most of the time? they hang out wif coursemates...hm...my coursemates all not staying in UKM de...next...they go back home during weekends...my home in ipoh...how to go back home every week?...but even if i go back home i think i will oso feel lonely...i wana b wif ppl...ppl tat i like...mayb i m too greedy...to be wif ppl tat i enjoy being wif...hahaha...i guess i shud go sleep now aledi nia...dunno wat i m talking about aledi...blur blur...almost 4 am liao...everyday oso like tis...no supper today oso...haihz...life iz indeed difficult...next sem gona b more cham...more terrible...there will b more suffering...PKK stuff...i hate it...wana cry de...no...not wana cry...dunno how to describe tis feeling...hopelessness...?