Workout details and me pt.1

Well, as the picture above shows, this is actually my monthly progress blog post. I have also uploaded 3 pics into my Facebook account and I am grateful for the rather flattering comments. Other people I know are not that kind. There has also been an interest as to how I actually go about my workout routine so I guess might as well make it as the topic for today. I will not highlight my current regime though because it is not so practical for beginners. One of the most important factors for my success would be my own determination I guess. You can go gym training and still end up flabby if you do not have the willpower. I am sick of being fat, of being looked down upon, of always being envious of the guy that looks so good. I want to impress people and I want to be worthy of the girl I love. Oh yeah, my workout plan is for endurance type fitness simply because I have no access to gym. If you want to be slim and buff, Korean-style, then read on because that is my aim too.

I don't think I should condense my journey of 1 year into 1 post because it is a step by step process. In the beginning, I only started to build my stamina by jogging and doing some push ups and sit ups. There was no dieting. In fact at that time I tried to increase my size by eating more but that was a big mistake. I will highlight diet choices later. For starters, try to walk if you cannot jog. Walking for 30 minutes and then 10 sit ups + push ups is good enough. You do not want to overstrain yourself and hurt your joints. The reason why people claim that running will destroy your knee is because your body is not properly trained to support your bodyweight at that point in time. Make sure your sit ups and push ups are done correctly. If you are wondering, check Youtube. You should be breathing in everytime you sit up instead of holding your breath. Never hold your breath in any exercise if possible because that is simply using your whole body to support your action instead of exercising that group of muscles.

And never assume that you can do spot reduction of fat. Doing 100 sit ups a day will not make your stomach flat. You will have some muscle but it will still be hidden behind a layer of fat. It is always important to keep in mind that we are aiming for overall fitness. Once you are comfortable with the exercise, try increasing the difficulty. Try jogging a longer distance. If you are short on time, try jogging faster for a shorter distance. Increase the amount of times you do sit up or push up. This should take around 2 months before you see some improvements in your figure. However, I dare guarantee you will feel healthier only after a month. Do try to exercise at least 3 times a week. On weekends maybe you can do some simple stretching or just push ups. Search Youtube for the 'plank' exercise. It takes less than 5 minutes and you will realize just how weak you are. At first I can't even do 30 seconds properly.

The reason why I chose this path instead of going full force from the beginning is to prepare your body. Changing abruptly is bad in my opinion. And what you are building are endurance skeletal muscles, that concentrate towards movement instead of bursts of strength. That way you can engage them even if you walk, swing your hands or simply stand around. Furthermore the more muscles you have, the more you burn. Kind of like a small car engine versus a sports car engine. Without a doubt, the sports engine will eat much more fuel for the same distance compared with the small car. So if you can increase the energy expenditure of all your movements, it will accumulate easily. Try to sneak in whatever exercise you can do whenever you are free. But it is hard to maintain that mentality. Sometimes I lift my legs while sitting in front of my computer 10 times or I simply lie down and do a sit up each time I want to look at my laptop on my bed or chair. With the engine concept, all this will add up.

Now I will explain about dieting and calories. First of all, 3500 calories equals to 1 pound of weight. So if you manage to cut 500 calories a day, you will lose 1 pound per week and then 1 kg every 2 weeks because 1kg is 2.2 pounds. It is definitely not easy and I will actually advise you against dieting once you start exercising. Your body will require a lot of nutrients to repair itself because there are so much new movement. You will feel muscle ache frequently. What you can do is choose what you eat. Skip soft drinks, skip supper and skip fried food if possible. Make a lifestyle change. All 3 items I mentioned are harmful to your health as well. To those party people, try to reduce the amount of beer intake. No point using your hard earned money just to poison your body right? Oh yeah, if possible try to change your snack choices. Instead of chips, maybe some fibre crackers? Or a simple tuna bun? The best of course are fruits like a green apple. I am not kidding you, I ate fibre crackers for at least 3 months.

Lastly, this is a shout-out to females, do not worry about being muscular or large. I assure you, muscles are hard to gain especially when females have less testosterone and you do not provide ample protein. What will your body build muscles with? If you do not want to have muscles, keep protein at a minimum, but enough to repair yourself to avoid injury. Just eat like normal. Guys, check your meat type. Bah kut teh pork is going to kill your diet efforts. Try to invest some time getting some calorie information about the food you eat. The typical male needs 2500 per day so if you can cut at 2200 with a daily walk it will work. Those that are trying to gain weight, increase your protein instead. Especially after exercise. Our bodies cannot store protein and we can only digest 30g of protein at any one time which is like one Big Mac's worth of meat. So if you exercised yesterday, maybe you can have a tuna or egg sandwich for high tea today? I think this post is plenty long already. Do post questions if you have it in my FB or comment here. I will post again in a few days. Take care and I hope this information is useful.

Luck and me

After the explosive blog post yesterday, I guess the thoughts keep on coming. As I wake up this morning, the full impact of missing the SNSD performance yesterday touched down. But I find solace in the fact that no one person could do everything I saw. Some dedicated people willing to invest time, money and effort to actually provide close ups of the girls at the performance as well as the airport is indeed awe-inspiring. Furthermore apparently some of the footage is partially luck as well because one cannot predict which side of the stage will the girls appear or where they will depart. Watching those videos in the morning made my heart sunk a bit but I am also glad to watch them. On another note, today is the start of my salad dieting. I intend to eat less than 1 bowl of rice during weekends if possible. Honestly, the salad tastes horrible with tuna. I need to find a better substitute. The honey chicken I bought tastes awesome though. Even though I rinsed the meat through hot water to get rid of oil and gravy, it is still rather sweet.

Back to luck, I think it is the deciding factor in many things. A lot of aspects of our life can be influence by it though people might call it as fate as well. Are you lucky with money? With people? or with your career? Some people hit unfavourable road blocks in every job they work in whereas there are people who enjoy a smooth career 30 years in the same company. Of course most of this aspects inter-relate as well. I think I do not have much luck with money or people. So far I am still satisfied with my career since there are no major hiccups that I could not handle. My health and safety luck is very good I guess since I still have all 10 fingers and toes. There are so many things that I need to forfeit since I do not have the monetary resources at that moment. So many negative feelings accumulated from mixing with people that is incompatible with me. But blaming it on luck might be too convenient an excuse would it?

I guess it is true. However, I can also call it my coping mechanism or my 'escape'. What about people who call it fate? They should be in the same group too. This boils down to acceptance. How do we accept things that happen to us or people around us? How do we accept the circumstances that surround us? Perhaps luck and fate are simply human concepts that our ancestors come up with in order to cope. Indeed I still feel bitter every now and then even though there is a handy scapegoat for me. I am trying to make my life better and to stay true to my principles but they tend to collide. I always complain about lack of money but I can easily amend that with freelance jobs. But then I will need to sacrifice more of my time instead of spending on other projects. Furthermore freelance jobs come with a deadline which we must obey except for severe emergencies I think. Is this the only way? I can find another job but there is no telling if it will be the same as my previous job which lacks freedom. We can never have it all. All we can do is try our best.

The problem with me

The reason why I post this here is because I think it is too long to be put as status update in Facebook and there are too many haters over there. It is scary to think that so many people are out to get me. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I am generally not a good person. Or maybe they are just joking or playing around. Even so, I do not want to get offended over something small. Anyway I think I have finally figured out one of my major problems. I am afraid of being happy. Yes, you read it correctly. The reason why is because I am afraid of the loss of happiness even more. The time to say goodbye. The time to stop. The time to go. If it was not something good, then I can leave without issue or complaints. Instead, departure will be a source of happiness then. I am too afraid of being hurt now. And to this degree, I should seriously consider psychiatric help.

As some of you may know, I am a big Korean fan. However, I chose not to go attend the free SNSD performance at KLCC earlier. I quote many excuses but they are simply excuses because so many other people enjoyed their time there. I do feel sad about the loss but surprisingly it is not such a big impact. This is another problem with me. I am afraid of losing an objective. All this while I have been waiting for my chance to catch SNSD live. To properly see them in action, to cheer and to enjoy myself. If I were to witness them at KLCC, will I be satisfied? Then what would I wait for? Another Korean group? Somehow it feels like a betrayal to myself. This is similar to people who spent all their time preparing for something but comes to a sense of loss after accomplishing it. We have never thought of what is next after that because it is not actually a conventional objective with logical steps.

I will rather not start because I know it will end eventually. I will rather not be happy because I also know it will not last. This is a very twisted perception. Luckily it only applies to things that I am sure there is a time limit or a clear ending. But I am still horrified at myself. I cannot even be happy normally without clearing this subconscious mental hurdle. I have been suppressed for so long that I have already accept suffering as part of life. That shit happens because that is simply how it is. I know all this is simply my own assumption of my mental condition because I doubt anyone can diagnose themselves accurately. Is this simply another part of me being dramatic? I am not so sure of myself anymore. But I do feel strongly about what I think now. Do I really reject happiness? The reason why I am always depressed is actually my own doing? I seriously hope not. I cannot take the truth. Do I always see the darker side of life simply because it will be easier to be happy? Because the pain will not be so deep? What should I do?

Another hiatus?

Coming up with a topic on weekends has constantly been a struggle to me. It is not easy to come up with interesting topics from time to time especially when nothing happens in my daily life. After this post, I will stop posting daily unless I feel like it or something huge happened on that day. Sometimes posting here feels more like a chore to me than simply writing stories. This first started as a challenge and I feel that after more than 2 months, I think I have done enough and perhaps even more. Maybe I will still continue to blog daily but with far less content. I cannot predict the future. But as of now, I seriously have lost my motivation to blog as this takes quite a lot of time and the topics do not come as easily as before. I mean after at least 60 posts, I have explored so many aspects of my daily life and my past, I think readers of this blog know more about me than I myself do. Furthermore it is unhealthy to push myself to write something even as I struggle to keep myself awake after a tiring day. I could have simply wrote some gibberish but I think it will be a betrayal to loyal readers.

This will be my last topic and it will be quite short. I am rather amazed by how calculative people can be. I think I am pretty calculative too but that is mostly in respect of resources I am lacking in. For example, time and money. But I think what I am going to discuss extends further than simply measurable assets but more towards courtesy and social behaviour. I do not mind carrying something for someone or doing a favour if it is within my power and does not involve much effort. And I seldom expect something in return unless it is a huge favour. There are people that will not carry anything that is not part of his/her responsibility even if they are able to. And there are people that like to recall the past stating that he/she carried it the last time so she is not going to carry it this time. If it is something huge like carpooling then yes, it is acceptable because you are providing a service, time and effort. If you are that calculative for carrying an umbrella, I wish your future partner the best of luck.

There are also people who would rather other people suffer just because it is not part of his job to help. If you are not helping an accident victim, it might be understandable because you do not want to get involved, you do not have proper training or simply you do not dare to take action. But just because it is not your turn to change the water cooler, does it mean you cannot help a weaker colleague carry the water? You think you are smart just because you avoided being the last one to drink? If that is the definition of smart, nobody would even go near the water cooler. People everywhere have an ugly side to them. Oftentimes it is bearable if it does not harm or affect the people around them. I too have an ugly side. However, can't we all do something about it? People usually do not realize they are being annoying or even harmful until they are being told. Even then, they may not accept it because nobody else dare or bother to tell them anything. If you consider yourself a friend of mine, please let us sit down and share our opinions of each other. Promise yourself that within that discussion, there will be no hard feelings.

Anyway, that is all for my idealistic way of thinking. I know most of it is not practical in this day and age but I will still try to uphold my personal values. I might blog again tomorrow or at least the latest will be on the last few days of the month, when I will post my progress photos. Until then, take care. If you are bored, perhaps read through some of my older posts or contact me directly for a chatting session online or in person if you stay near me. Thank you.

A Day Off

I am sorry but I am not in a good condition right now. I think I overdid it during my exercise session earlier and I am a bit under the weather. Hope that my body recovers fully tomorrow. The timing couldn't be worst to fall sick actually. Last time I fall sick after an insane amount of badminton as well. Anyway I should go rest. Can't say that I will make it up for you readers tomorrow because making my post longer is counter-productive. So taking me as an example, please take care of your own health and enjoy Saturday!!!

Lies and me

Right after I commented about the lack of local readers, suddenly there is a spike again. I am very grateful for the support but I will appreciate it more if my words reach people that matter. If you find something useful here, by all means use it. Helping myself is only part of the reason why I write so much. What I really want to do is to share my thoughts with people. But I am not so shameless as to promote it everywhere. So I am already satisfied with my friends reading it. Today's post will not be a negative one even though the title may hint as much. I will try not to have angry posts 2 days in a row. But something did happen today at office. Maybe I am just easily annoyed in the morning or I was hungry I am not too sure. But seriously, if it was due to touchy issues or definition of words, there is a workaround. There is no hope left when we dislike the way each other talks. How many of you out there dislike somebody as soon as they open their mouths? Is it the way they talk, their voice or their tone of speaking that gets to your nerves?

Some people get uncomfortable when they hear someone lie directly to another person. You know the truth, but will you interfere? Lies are a part of our daily life whether we participate in it or not. We will always encounter it in one form or the other. Some of them are harmless white lies while others may prove to be very significantly damaging. I admit I do lie one way or the other. I lie when I joke around to make things more interesting. I lie to manipulate the flow of events that pepper my relationship issues in the past. Frankly speaking, I lie to satisfy my own needs. I have lied for others before. But even then, if you drill deep down, the reason I did that is because I cherish the friendship or I might benefit from it. Are we really such selfish creatures? How can you lie for the sake of others? Whatever we do, there is a reason for it. I do not have the answer for my own questions. Every lie has a possibility of going out of control. Knowing that, we still lie simply because sometimes that is the only thing we can think of at that time.

What if your partner asks you to promise that you will never lie to him/her? Will you lie from the start? Or will you choose to break the promise should the need arises? Is it actually a naive request? Can it even be done? I am sure we are not supposed to get so technical with love declarations but this is not along the lines of cheesy quotes. To be completely honest with someone in everything seems possible and impossible at the same time. Leaving facts out of the picture is not considered lying. But this means you can't give your partner surprises especially when curiosity takes over. Or it just means your act needs to be so convincing that it won't arouse any suspicion. Anyway, to me this certainly does qualify as one of the most touching wishes to be granted. Trust between partners are important and it is always crucial that what each other say is credible. Else the lies will never end. When the truth is revealed, feelings of betrayal, disappointment, anger and sadness. I guess it is a good thing to aim for when we get into a relationship.

Showing who you really are, how you really feel and what you really think only to someone is a sign that the person is very important to you. And that you trust the person to understand, to listen and to keep your secrets. But as long as the lie does not hurt someone, I think it is still acceptable. We hide our feelings, we hide our thoughts under a fake smile. Isn't that simply lying to the public? Is it wrong? I don't think so. I doubt we are supposed to get angry at the waiter because your boss called you for an emergency meeting. Always try to be honest when it matters. You never know what may happen. Life is all about finding the right balance. Actually I don't really have much else to write but I still need to conclude my post and the previous paragraph is already quite long. I am trying to condense everything into short paragraphs so it will be easier to read. I do lose control sometimes and will go into a writing frenzy but I think this is enough for today. Take care and enjoy Friday!!

Insults and me

After checking the visitor details, it is apparent that nobody from Malaysia visited since yesterday. I guess I should really consider stopping soon since it is actually taking quite a huge amount of time to write a post. I did gain a lot from writing daily in this blog but I don't really like to only write occasionally. Most probably I will forget about it and it will just be the same as stopping in the first place. Might as well just erase it from my mind for now. As you all may already know, today is actually White Day, exactly 1 month after Valentine's Day. Boys who got chocolates from girls should return the favour as courtesy or something more. However, this cultural habit is only observed in north east Asia, mostly Japan and South Korea. Here, Valentine's Day is cherish the female day. So much for gender equality. I went badminton today after skipping last week and it was disastrous. I guess stopping for a week and being tired doesn't help much. Furthermore my partner is in the same condition as me so both of us lack motivation. There is always next week but it felt like wasted time and opportunity.

The main topic today is about insults. I thought I blogged about this before but it wasn't a title so I guess it is okay. And I need to get this off my chest. First of all, I am against people that hurl the words 'stupid' and 'crazy' casually. It might sound harmless compare to swear words but to me it is verbal abuse. At least in swear words, you know that the speaker is using it to enhance the effect instead of really meaning it. I seriously cannot take it when people started labelling me like that out of the blue for something I did. Before you started calling me stupid, would it hurt to understand why I did what I did? Maybe I am just sensitive to this because I honestly feel anger. Who are you to call me stupid or crazy? I don't even feel that much when people called me a pervert or a fatso previously. Perhaps it is a direct assault or a challenge to my pride and my integrity as a person, my knowledge and my personality. Lastly, if I really did a silly mistake, yelling will not make things better. You should be smart enough to know that right?

Another kind of insult that I cannot take are those hidden insults where knifes are cloaked within innocent words. It doesn't mean much to other people but it holds a different meaning to you due to a certain event. I think it is common for people to be pissed off when they realized on their own what those sweet words actually meant. I would prefer you to insult me directly rather than trying to act polite and innocent. You cannot pin the blame on them because the words they used have double meanings and others may simply say you are too sensitive. You know you have been insulted and you are actually forced to stay down instead of on your own volition. Some smart people do counter on the spot with their own hidden meanings but not all can do that. Things have grown to be so complicated nowadays. So many things have changed. I realized now more than ever, it will be almost impossible to go back to how things were in the past. Even if you do not change, others will. Take care and enjoy Thursday!

Wisdom and me

Looks like less and less people actually reading my blog. Though I wasn't supposed to care, it is a bit disheartening. Maybe some of my posts got too personal and drove them off? I am not so sure. Nevertheless, I will continue writing since most of it is for myself. As usual I will try to keep the post short. Since nowadays I am blogging half awake it should be easily accomplished. Today I missed my exercise again due to the rain. Even though some of my muscles still hurt after the rather extreme Sunday workout, I was really aiming for some running. You can't actually do much cardio indoors and that is the only way to maintain a high heart beat at a steady rate. I need the fresh air as well. In the end I settled for some random exercises that I thought would help and also to switch up my routine. I didn't really want to do strength or endurance exercises due to high possibility of badminton tomorrow. Usually my right arm would be useless the day after and thus I need it at peak condition to survive.

Usually people would mention wisdom as experience or general knowledge that is applied to daily issues and problems. Wise people do not view things as one-dimensional and seldom make hasty decisions. Though that is the general perception. The reason why I chose this topic is someone actually quoted me as a wise person. I might be compared to some but a proper comparison can never be done. It will be too unfair for the other party. First of all not everyone has the same amount of experience in a particular field. Perhaps it might be accurate if people uses wisdom to represent the amount of experience someone has. Though usually it is meant as a compliment that the person is very clever and such. Some experience are gained whether we seek it or not. For example, a person might have very deep knowledge of dengue fever because he or someone close to him has experienced it before. I doubt the victim had a choice.

I am by no means clever but I consider myself good at expressing feelings or thoughts and understanding others. I feel that I am good at deducing assumptions from the information at hand. All of it is via experience. A person becomes good at explaining or listening if the person does it very frequently. It is a skill that can only be gained through practical means. Now that I think about it, the term 'wisdom' is actually kinda appropriate if you take it as acknowledgement instead of a compliment. This is a bad habit of mine to dive too deep into meaning of words. But words alone can change the world if wielded correctly by the right person at the right time at the right place. I still yearn for more experience, for more knowledge because I think I will never be satisfied with myself. We should never get too comfortable with where we are currently or be too satisfied. That would only limit ourselves. Starting from next week I will start to work harder for my body. I must get better. I will not let even my laziness stop me. Take care and enjoy Wednesday!!

Probability and me

Today I am mentally exhausted. It has been quite some time since I feel that my day has been wasted. A stern reminder as to why I actually prefer to be alone with my time. I will try to finish this post in 3 paragraphs. My main gripe is not with office but instead with a friend of mine. Seriously though, if I knew I am supposed to be the background prop throughout the night, nothing you say will convince me otherwise. I missed 2 shows that I follow every Monday and I sacrificed my rest and supposedly my work because I thought it will be fun going out. Now there is only a burning feeling of regret. There is no hate for him because I guess I should have asked for more details as to what we are going to do during the outing. This will be the last time anyway. Just thinking about how I could have spent the wasted time is seriously making me pissed off. The price to pay for a wrong gamble is indeed great. Sometimes probability is just a number and we should not put such high hopes on it.

We can never predict the future, so something with a low chance of happening is the same as having a high chance of happening as well. Unless all the variables are within our control, there is nothing we can be certain about. After all, probability is a human concept and may not apply to reality. The same thing about the concept of fairness. Anyway, I think in future decisions I should weigh the consequences heavier instead of the probability of me gaining. Even if it seems very likely I will profit, I shouldn't ignore the price if I lost or my own capacity to afford that loss. But pricing aside, such perception of probability can be used as a source of motivation. If you are facing troubles, there is no reason to stop hoping until your very last breath. As long as you are alive, miracles may still happen. I cannot guarantee that it will, but I also cannot guarantee that it will not. I am sure no one can do that either. Even feng shui masters read things wrongly occasionally. We can only control our own actions. And many things are out of our control.

Try not to let anyone else tell you what to do. Like I said earlier, it is your life, your happiness and your future. You will be the one living with the decision not the others. They will not be affected except for having you as a depressed or troubled friend. Of course at least listen to what others have to say. They may provide useful information in justifying your decision or inspire you to completely change your approach to an issue. After all, you will never know. And listening was never known to hurt anybody. The probability of me getting an awesome partner any time soon is pretty slim. But she might just bump into me tomorrow. I have listened to stories where people get married later and still enjoy life. I have also listened to people saying that love comes naturally. Thus I have changed my approach in this matter to be more neutral and less aggressive. Might as well take it easy and not pressure myself too much. In the end, hopefully I have a brighter and more mature outlook in my personal love life. True to my word, I will end it here. Take care and enjoy Tuesday!!

Paths and me

Seems like I get most of my views from backlinks nowadays. The audience from USA is double the audience from Malaysia. Today I will try to keep the post as short as possible because I am tired and it is late. Earlier I tried to double my exercise routine and now I am paying for it. My thighs ache. And the startling revelation that my stomach muscles are now stronger than the rest of my body. Either that or I am doing it wrong. Now I can do sit-ups and crunches until my arms and legs waver but my stomach remains strong. If this is the truth, I think at least my arms got a lot of catching up to do. I am satisfied with my progress so far but not at all satisfied with my current fitness level. I still think I am lacking in overall strength because I never go to gym and I only exercise against gravity or my body weight. Seriously, I could not do push ups more than 25 times continuously even on a good day. And I doubt I can do chin-ups easily either. I think my muscle build is only based on frequency of usage instead of real explosive strength. Meaning my arm is thick because I swing it often and not because it is strong.

So why don't I just go to gym and receive proper training you ask? I personally think it is not practical for my current circumstances but in relation to the topic, I do not like to follow existing paths. If you follow a path, you will surely know the destination or where it will lead. I like to wander along and see what else I can discover along the way. Sure this may end up taking much more time then needed but I am willing to take the risk. After all, maybe I can find a much better path for myself. Some people do not like uncertainties. I also do not like important things to be vague but I guess this is some sort of enjoyment for me. I mean we are following rules and procedures and public opinions so much that I find it hard to breath. Maybe this is also the reason why I kept my hair long. I wish to create my own unique identity instead of being just another typical guy. Of course being too radical is not healthy but I think it is not too bad. Forging my own path makes me appreciate the journey and the destination much more than if I were to follow the path of another.

Most of the time, the challenges of creating a new path is even tougher than simply following another path. It is uncharted territory and nobody can provide helpful advice and there is not much information that you can rely on. All you can do is deduce your own conclusions and find your own meaning about things. I think this summarizes our current life as we head out into our own careers outside of the comfort zone. Away from our hometown, away from parents where things are new and we need to be independent. But from there we become a better person hopefully. As usual there is no right or wrong here. It is after all your own life, your own happiness and your own future. This is also a message to a friend that recently made a huge decision that would have been devastating to others. She asks for support but I personally think that others have no right to criticize. What we can do to help out is to stay neutral else you might just ruin their relationship. They should make the final decision because they are the ones that will live with it later on. It is always easy to comment because we are not personally involved. Anyhow, do take care and enjoy Monday!!!

Talent and me

I have gotten a bit more lazier recently in regards of everything. Nowadays I tend to just surf the Internet or laze around instead of working, gaming or exercising. Maybe I am too tired, maybe I feel bored but I think having a proper rest is important all the same. Hopefully I will recover from this stupor before the weekend ends. So far it is still enjoyable except for my concern for my personal laptop. Seems like some of the system files are either corrupted or something else is going on. I don't usually get blue screens but today alone it has been around 10 times? After some tinkering, it seems to behave a little bit better now but still requires observation to be sure. It will be a pretty hefty investment for a new laptop especially now that rumours of no bonus is swirling around in the office. But this is something I need in my daily life so there isn't much I can do. Anyway I think it has been around for more than 3 years already and it has served me well. I shouldn't put so much stress on it anymore I guess.

Putting all those aside, I have been wondering about talent or perhaps potential. As I start to be more aware of the people around me, I noticed some actually have the looks to compare with Korean superstars. Anyway that is my personal opinion of them. Some of those superstars don't really look too distant and has that different aura that makes you think he is after all, a guy. Not all of them have those impossible bodies or slick looks but all of them definitely can perform or sing. In the end, does that mean it all boils down to talent? But I am sure there are much more than a handful of people in Korea that can sing well considering their substantial population. Same thing with China. So I guess talent only plays a part. But if you are given the chance but lacking the talent, is there any possibility that you will make it? Can hard work be really enough to make up for it? Can someone that cannot sing be trained to an acceptable level? Is there really an insurmountable wall separating those with talent and those without?

Do you think that failing to fulfil your chance is worst than never be given the chance at all? I guess it depends. If you want the chance, then yes, both are as bad. But if you do not, then I guess it doesn't really matter much to you. It will simply be a waste because there are so many that wish they have your talent. Not everyone is aware of their personal talent and not everyone actively pursues a career related to the talent. Some simply use it as a social tool and nurture it as a hobby. I bet you have heard of accidental superstars that are recruited for their singing skills. Anyway I guess all the discussion will be fruitless in the end because we can never compare the life of 2 people accurately. To some, it might seem like a dream-like existence where he/she has everything but there are usually much more than meets the eye. So here comes another curve-ball, do you think everyone has a talent? Talent as in useful and practical in a social or career setting. Burping 10 times in a row is not a 'talent'.

If so, what is my talent then? I doubt stubborn, perseverance, creative or sense of humour can be called a talent. I am not exceptionally good at anything. Please do not say my talent is being normal. Sometimes we never realize our talents until something or someone comes along. I guess it is sad to say that some people never get the chance to realize their own talent. If you are not curious then you will not seek. Some people bury their talent simply because it is not useful in their career. Even if you are really good at computers, it might be a result of interest or hard work instead of talent. I think everyone has a talent and we should try to discover it as we learn more about ourselves. Try moving out of your comfort zone once in a while and you might even surprise yourself. I am trying to do it slowly and sheepishly. I can only hope that it will not be too late. I shouldn't set such a serious tone but I am not the kind to actually throw everything up to fate. If everything is planned, granting us consciousness is actually quite cruel. That is all for now, enjoy Sunday!!!

Shoes and me

Unsurprisingly I ran out of ideas for today's post after giving it my all for the past few days. I dare say those are good articles which reflect my personality, thoughts and perhaps spur some thinking from readers as well. It is once more end of the week and weekends is about to begin. The usual routine will remain but it is just how I fill in the rest of the blanks that determines the day. For starters, I actually have some work to finish since I was being very lazy recently. It gets pretty boring when nobody is there to share the excitement when an idea comes to fruition or at least acknowledge the scope of the task. I mean it is always fun to brag or complain right? Currently, there isn't really a 'team' because all of us work independently. So nobody really knows how much everybody else have achieved. Maybe because management wanted to avoid bad blood between employees bragging and ranking themselves. We do not get much reaction from management when we finish our task at hand either so it is pretty boring.

We work because we have to not because we enjoy it. How are we supposed to come up with brilliant ideas? We cannot bring ourselves to actually commit 100 percent if we are not genuinely interested or motivated. Recently I had a drinking session with some friends and we discussed about it. Previously, even if people insulted my weight or gave me health advice I tend to ignore it. However, I became aware of the terrible state of my health when I started taking notice of how much sagging flesh that I have. Out of curiosity after watching a video on Youtube, I tried to measure how thick is my leg. I was disgusted when I found out I could adjust the measurement by using more force as the measuring tape sinks into my flesh. There is that much free space. And that was about the same time when my interest in the Korean entertainment industry began to take off. So comparing myself and idols younger than me, I feel ashamed. Sure they had more time to work out because it is part of their job. But that is not related to my circumstances or my health right?

Since then, I have never looked back. I am motivated by my own hard work, just the way I like it. Not influenced by anything, it is reflected 100 percent. I know I will definitely see results if I keep at it. The worst enemy of any objective is effort futility, when whatever you do does not matter because it is determined by luck or circumstances in the end. One of my best reminders of how far I have gone would be my shoes. I worn out one pair last year and now the second pair is going to be smooth soon. Each lap I complete, each lunge I make, each jump I take is etched on the base of my shoe. My toes are all rough now due to constant running which causes the skin to peel. There is no bleeding involved but I think there will be scars. You might ask why didn't I say the mirror to be my best reminder. Well, I think within the duration of your workout regime, there are bound to be 'plateaus' where progress pauses as your body adapts to the current level. When I first started, my body weight remained the same and nothing was really visible. But slowly and surely I kept running and build up my stamina.

Some of you might think why am I making such a big fuss over this. Well first of all I was fat and I never actually imagined I could make it all the way over here. Due to the nature of my first job, I had no time to exercise at all and was content with maintaining my weight. Secondly, I did all this by myself. Some kind people gave some advice but others mock me, laugh at me or ignored me. When I tried to share and gain some support from friends, they shun me as I kept preaching about fitness. Maybe they took it the wrong way or they find me annoying but aren't we friends? I watched a show recently and I think fans should be able to relate with the scene I will be describing. One of the characters mentioned that he wears out his shoes as he prepares for his début as a performer. He keeps each pair as a reminder of how much effort he put in. In the end, it took him 10 pairs to début and he was successful. He never gave up as time passes by, sweat pours down, he still believes his day shall come.

Certain things mean differently to people. Just because I experienced such a similar circumstance, I could relate to that scene. To other people, it is just background story that is forgettable. It is a simple fact that applies to everyone. And yet it is so hard to actually take it into consideration when dealing with people. I do try my best to be careful but sometimes jokes get out of hand and feelings were hurt. I can only sincerely apologize here because it is rare for people to actually confront another to talk and so I do not know who I offended. I will apologize personally if only I know who. But bear in mind I will not apologize for something that is not wrong. Anyway, I have confronted people over things that hurt me but usually the relationship ends just like that. Nobody thinks they are in the wrong because certain things mean differently to people. So people usually keep things in their hearts and avoid trouble. There is no right or wrong. Anyway I said enough already. Take care and enjoy Saturday!!!

Attraction and me

I thought I used this topic before but apparently not. The post tonight will hopefully be a short one as I could really use some extra time on the bed. First of all, my body is still not 100% and I think it will never be. I am still not willing to bet on the fact that I need more rest to build muscles. My stubborn obsession with exercising does not let me to sit idly for even a day. I know certain things cannot be rushed but the problem is I am not sure if this is one of it. As usual, hopefully I do not break my body pursuing theories and my objectives. Some people close to me are already saying that I focus too much on pursuing a better appearance. Furthermore it is not a hidden fact that I really enjoy looking at pretty females. Most will call me a pervert for that and it is an insult to me but what can I do about it? If you insist on calling me that, I cannot do anything else except to stay away from you. Why do I have to accept verbal abuse from you? I still remember someone calling me a pervert loudly in public. I will never forget nor will I forgive.

First of all, the reason of my pursuit is because I couldn't really think of any other more effective ways. It is already common sense that someone good looking is approached far more easily than someone who is not. I have honestly never had a real relationship before and I am willing to try whatever that increases my chances and is beneficial in the long run. Some suggested I join a social circle of sorts or attend church to meet more people but travelling is not exactly a convenient thing for me to do. I do not have a lot of money to enjoy an active night-life either. I am also not good with strangers. Lastly, my neutral look is already kind of aggressive. I do not project even a tiny bit of attractive material to the ladies. I forgot to mention that my wardrobe consists of only a few shirts from 2-3 years ago. I have never spent a lot of money on actually getting respectable clothes even in my own personal opinion. I still remember and hate the person who reacts in disgust that I do not wash my clothes daily. Seriously, if I have more to choose, do not need to wear them for the next 3 years and they do not wear out, I will wash them daily.

I am giving my all now so that I will not live in regret later. I do not want to lie on my deathbed alone wondering 'what if I had a 6-pack when I was young? Will I die alone now?'. I would have done whatever I could to get a partner. After buffing up I will seriously learn or improve my social skills such as singing or playing the guitar. No, I do not have an idol wish but you never know how it might help me. I think I am okay in my manners and maturity. I am capable of caring for others, I consider myself thoughtful but I cannot accept severe childishness. I am looking for a life partner and a good mother for my children, not a spoilt princess. My career right now is considered stable though it is not exactly earning a lot but it should be enough. I know females consider financial stability as well when evaluating a partner but sense of security is different from wealth. I am still unclear about this aspect and perhaps it will do me good to ask around or secure more income.

Sometimes I wonder if fame and status have any influence in this. There are a lot of superstars that are still single and available. There are also ordinary looking superstars with a loving wife and a happy marriage. Though I have also seen my fair share of couples that look impossible at first but are really sincere to each other. I always wonder how do they get together? Introduced by friends? Childhood friends? Sheer coincidence? Through their field of work? And how do they get attracted to each other? What are their first impressions of each other? But I think even if I knew all that, it wouldn't help. I am sure all of them are unique and I am sure mine will be too. I guess I just couldn't bear to simply wait for my special someone to appear. My lack of confidence haunts me as I want to be good enough when it matters the most. I cannot bear losing someone so important to me due to something I could have changed. I can never be perfect. But I can try.

It is actually quite easy to attract my attention. I think I listed my preferences quite a number of times already in this blog. Though preferences are never the rules. I always thought I liked females with long black hair. And yet I find myself uncontrollably attracted to females with short hair as well. One of them even have her hair dyed blonde. Usually it looks ridiculous on an Asian but trust me, she is awesome. I am rather alert and pick up body language, dress sense and even perfume if someone stands near me. I can't help but listen to their tone of speech and if I could even make out the words, check out her mannerism or sense of humour. You cannot miss someone that has a unique laugh but I totally cannot handle high pitch voice or diva-like speech. In the end though, it will be appearance I guess. You look polite, beautiful with a great smile, then I will really be interested in getting to know you better. Keep your attitude in check please. I have no qualms with girl power but being obnoxious is a totally different thing altogether. Anyway, I should stop already. Take care and enjoy Friday!!!

Price and me

Actually I started out wanting to blog about another topic but somehow this specific topic pop into my head after a yumcha session with old friends. Anyway, daily updates first. Without realizing it, yesterday was my 200th blog post. It is not really that significant considering I started this blog quite a long while ago. Compared with my Friendster blog, this is nothing. Thankfully, that blog is buried. I hope I can continue as long as possible. Today I skipped badminton and went for a run instead. However, I couldn't finish my usual interval training distance which was odd. My best guess would be a weak lunch considering it was only a small amount of noodles. My stomach was hurting during the second last lap and it wasn't due to lack of breath. Nevertheless I should rest tomorrow because I think my right leg really cannot take the strain anymore. I tried balancing the burden by purposely using my left leg to push more but I guess it is pointless. Hopefully all this is not a prelude to something horrible.

Earlier, I managed to watch some Korean drama after dinner and this time, I was seriously caught off guard. It seemed ridiculous and funny at first but it quickly turns to a more serious mood. The male character was constantly eyeing a girl he broke off with earlier without proper explanation as she prepares noodles. It was odd as she was mixing them up for a long time but she looks okay. Later when she is called and she looks up, she had tears dripping down along her nose hidden by her long hair. Seriously I wasn't expecting that. As she excuses herself, the male blocks her way and confronts her. She tried to make more funny excuses about her crying but soon she gave in and cried out loud without holding back. It was a happy conclusion to their little love line for now I guess. It is always hard to hold negative things in. And it is not easy to let it out either. Manage it the wrong way and it might turn disastrous. Kind of like secrets that you keep. And I realize I am still a sucker for weeping females. Maybe because I know it is not easy to cry.

Everything in life has a price. Everything in existence has a price. It is easier to weigh the value of something that you can touch compared to something abstract. Earlier I was discussing with friends about our current standing in life. Each of us sacrificed different things in different amounts to gain what we have now. The most memorable argument is me versus my friend who is now a chef and restaurant supervisor. He now leads his own team and plans the menu while earning a substantial amount. There are also perks that could make me envious. Then he throw down one simple thing. I work sitting down while he works standing up. He won the argument with one sentence. I have neglected to take into account of our working environment since work load is very subjective and therefore not counted. People who owns a car, a house, a family, how much have they paid? I think it is not simply the price in money but much more from that. Only a very select few in this world can actually afford something without sacrificing something obvious.

How many of us paid with broken relationships, bitter feelings, painful memories or experience? How many things were traded with time, health, pride or freedom? And lastly but most importantly, how many of us made a transaction without paying for it now? What I mean is karma or perhaps your entire future. In our daily routine we are bound to offend people either intentionally or unintentionally for a reason. For something. In a way, it is an abstract trade. Perhaps to catch that taxi ride to an urgent meeting you snubbed an old lady which happens to be the mother of your client. Those are the most dangerous trades one can ever do. And we do it everyday. And we can never gauge if the trade is worth it or not until we live long enough to judge or reap the benefits. There are also times when a trade is rendered pointless by an uncontrollable event happening in the future. Thus, the law of equivalent trade becomes blur and we are left guessing if it was fair or not.

There are so many people making decisions and 'trading' with one another that it is impossible to verify if there was ever an element of fairness. What we do impact one another in more ways than we can think of and our perspective is only limited to our own. I guess it was rather foolish of me to think that I have 'paid' enough with bitter experiences in the past. Perhaps I am already paying for something I will only be getting 10 years later. Perhaps I am paying for something that I don't even realize. But being in the dark makes any person uneasy. We start to question and make random assumptions to satisfy our curiosity and the demand for an explanation. To justify things and to make ourselves feel better. I can only hope that in the future, I can finally confirm that everything that happens now is worth it. It is very late now and I should be sleeping already. Take care and enjoy Thursday!!!

Tears and me

I came here with only one objective in mind. To complain and to remember my past. Those who cannot take this kind of content, nobody is forcing you to. I will be blogging tomorrow as well so I doubt you will miss much. Today finally I received news about one of my colleagues and another employee at the main office has resigned. Why does it have to come to this? Anyway, higher management will simply replace them and carry on. All these while I have only seen temporary solutions to the majority of the problems plaguing the scenery. This has definitely shaken my trust and my respect to the managing prowess of the people on top. I think by next year, the same thing will happen again but hopefully not the people from my department. How many times must this repeat itself before people realize that there is a much more severe problem? If people are going to be treated as replaceable assets, I doubt there will be any future for me. I am much more dismayed by the fact that some people actually do not care. I can only wait and see while trying my best to complete my duties.

You know you have gone through dark patches in life when you can predict how Korean dramas going to trigger your tears. Because you have experienced the very same thing. The only difference is that there is nobody around to help you. And your circumstances remain pretty much the same. Well they can't really make prime time television that depressing right? One of the reasons why I reject dramas is because they are so fake. But that is only me being naive. Now only I realize the reason why people enjoy watching those dramas is to gain some sort of relief from their own lives. When the main character arrives and comforts the girl or saves the day is the dream of many. People like to watch happy endings to keep their hopes alive. The story of our lives are too gloomy. To simply carry forward we actually need to depend on something else. This is why good story-tellers are welcomed since ancient times. Through words alone, people are inspired, motivated and rejuvenated.

I am not implying that each and everyone who watch drama falls under this category. I am sure some simply enjoy watching them. Anyway, last warning to readers who can't read about people being sad. I still remember the day when I literally 'broke'. When I couldn't take it anymore. When everything went blank. It was the first time and I am sure it will not be the last time. The day when I simply cried as my legs grew weak. 'Why is everything so hard?', 'I am a failure', 'Why?'. There were no answers as I simply screamed silently. My mouth searching for a voice but I was too ashamed. Just as how it started, it ended at the same place. The bitterness was only expressed by my fists slamming the wall and the floor. My fingers scrape through my hair as I try to settle down. As much as I hated everything, I hated myself for 'losing'. Tears seldom graced my cheeks as I strive to become a 'man'. I was not strong enough to face everything without giving in into my feelings and thoughts. I was not strong enough to not admit defeat. But at the very least, the burden was off my chest.

There were a few more incidents where I got teary-eyed and my voice starts shaking but never a total breakdown. It was very embarrassing but I can't help it. It is just simply so hard to control when finally you do not need to stop yourself anymore. When you can finally let yourself go. Everything you have kept inside for so long. Of course the common idea would be to reflect and figure out why did it accumulate so much in the first place? There are many theories but I guess it is simply due to circumstances. I learn to accept things that I cannot change and I try my best to change things that I could. Perhaps that is why I came to be so harsh about people not taking action when they have the power to improve matters. Maybe they too are bound by circumstances I am not too sure. But seriously, even though my circumstances were not too bright, I seldom bring trouble to others. Heck, I even try my best to help others if I could.

Thankfully I think I can handle all this stuff better now. Maybe because I do not keep them inside that long no more. And I have this blog. But I think after that day, I changed a lot. It was a shock to me as well after realizing what happened. I guess subconsciously I needed to adapt to that amount of mental and emotional stress. Or perhaps only my circumstances changed for the better without me realizing it. I need to live longer before I can be the judge of that. I am sure most if not all of you would be wondering 'why are you telling me all this stuff?'. I am not too sure myself honestly. I feel like I need to talk about it and be clear about it before I can move forward. But I can never be free from it. Maybe I just want to use this opportunity to remind myself. It was comforting in a weird sort of way when I got the drama plot correct earlier. Maybe I am just relieved knowing that my sense of tragedy resonates with at least the script writer. So, I drew the conclusion that he/she would be sad too if it was my personal situation.

I tend to talk too much when the post is emotional. This is all then. Be stronger than me, take care and enjoy Wednesday!!

Stars and me

Somehow the number of visitors almost doubled for today. Does Monday mean differently elsewhere or something? And somehow I managed to survive today even though I had to take a nap during working hours. Yes I am serious, I slept with my mouth open on my chair and god knows what poses my colleagues have taken with me as a prop. Even though it was less than 20 minutes but you have not seen them in action. I noticed that a lot of people have been falling sick lately. One of my colleagues was down and another had a bout of sore throat. I would be lying if I wasn't worried about my condition. I was having one of those stubborn headaches the whole morning. I suffered from lack of rest and sleep throughout the weekend and I know if I fall, it will be pretty severe. Well first of all, nobody is here to take care of me. I will be all alone in my room. And honestly, you cannot stress enough how important it is to have a proper bathroom with hot water at that time.

Now that most of you are aware of my current status, I would prefer to keep this post short. I really want to have at least 7 hours of sleep tonight. And being masochistic, I actually went to have a run earlier. I was close to being drained when a shooting star emerged and I gained enough momentum from that to eventually complete it. You can always count on a random pretty female to pass by whenever she is needed. Call me whatever you want but I am just being honest and fun. After all, one of the major reasons I am exercising is at least to make a good first impression to potential partners. Though it might mean nothing if I keep my long hair with my usual stone cold impression. I honestly believe that we can do greater things when we do it for another instead of for ourselves. How many of you actually bother grooming if not to impress? Anyway back to the main topic, I was left wondering how long has it been since I actually went star-gazing.

Star-gazing has a different meaning to me. I do not need a telescope to analyze their glow or positioning. I simply stare at them and let my imagination take over. I would think about my future, let dreams run wild and come up with ridiculous ideas just to have a laugh. I did it with friends and I did it alone. It means a whole lot more when I am alone but it is never as fun when you are with other people. You laugh, you share thoughts and most importantly you share this moment. Under the same starry sky we had fun. And under the same sky we chatted and we share secrets. Looking back up, brings back memories. Though I have stopped wishing that we will do it again, I have never stopped hoping someone will take your place since then. I bet all of you are cringing thinking that all this came from a dude. I am just being honest with my feelings and I think it really isn't that rare to feel this way but guys seldom admit it that is all. Come on now, you dare wish but you do not dare to admit? That is worst than me.

Since when did I stopped wishing? Since when did I stopped dreaming? Why should we ignore things like this? As working life gains more control of me, I grow more stoic and insensitive to myself. Day in and day out we become slaves to the system as we become blinded by the pursuit of money. I do not want to lose myself. I still hope. I gain motivation and inspiration from all that I see, hear and feel. I get in touch with what I really want and try to be honest. At the very least to myself. How many times have you seen a male playing it too cool to admit his real feelings? And then paying dearly for it? I really miss those idyllic days. Those simple days. The joy of simply sitting somewhere random and chatting the night away. The joy of spending time with someone important to you or someone that understands you. As I mentioned before, we cherish what we are deprived. But simply knowing how to appreciate does not make me a better friend or a better partner. I have much more to learn. Until the time comes, I cannot afford to just wait. That's it for now. Hope you gained from this as much as I do. Take care and enjoy Tuesday!!

Late nights and me pt.2

Seems like my international audience have extended to the residents of Ireland and France. If only they were here as a reader instead of due to those backdoor spam links. Anyway it is very late now as I just returned from an outing with friends from Ipoh. One of them moved to KL while another came over just to have fun. Spend most of the day at Sunway Pyramid before moving on to SS2 for dinner. After that, it is Overtime at Sunway Giza. I am a wee bit tipsy now due to exhaustion and the beer so this will be my only paragraph I guess. I don't even have time to take my bath. I was rather surprised to find young females at Overtime instead of working adults. Though it is actually understandable considering tomorrow is Monday. But I think they shouldn't start harming their health so early. Well I was part of them too I guess. Now I understand how my parents feel when I go out to drink last time. Drinking is good in moderation and I do enjoy drinking so the only reason I managed to stay away is because I cannot find anyone to go with. Or perhaps the correct timing. My housemate goes there frequently but he doesn't work 9-5. Anyway it is time for me to sleep. Take care and enjoy Monday!!

Blogging and me

Decided to start blogging early today instead of leaving it for last. Even though I got nothing going on tomorrow morning, but it is not fun rushing a post just so that I can sleep. Coming from the post yesterday, blogging has been a real help in identifying my real issues and feelings. However, this might even be the reason why I will stop this daily routine soon. Being reminded of those things all the time is not fun at all. It tends to complicate things as well. Of course it is good to always be aware of your own life but it is as idealistic as living everyday as if your last. Do you know how tiring it is if you really live like that? Each decision weighs heavily as you assume that this is your final 24 hours. If I only have 24 hours left, I won't even go to sleep for that matter. Of course those quotes are not supposed to be taken that seriously but I hope you get the idea. All this while I wish to simplify my life but somehow this blog is not making it any easier. Too much of a good thing is bad and I guess it applies to self-reflection also.

I will not stop completely though. Perhaps I will only blog when I have the inspiration to do so. It is not fun when I have to struggle in order to complete a post due to lack of ideas. Especially on boring days. It would be awesome if everyday is eventful but not only is it impossible, it will thoroughly exhaust me. Today is a prime example of an uneventful day. I can go on and one about my conquests in games and such but that will only make this blog dull and pointless. I usually go about doing my chores on Saturday and thus the most eventful thing that could happen is getting a glance of hot chicks at the supermarket. Other than that, I usually spend my time catching up on sleep, gaming, watching Korean shows or exercising. I could talk about my colourful past but it will run out sooner or later. And usually it is accompanied by memories which I rather not think about. I think I have already gone beyond the frequency of typical bloggers. How many bloggers out there actually come out with content daily?

It is true writing has always been an interest to me. Somehow it just seems fun to write about things. And I can maintain my level of English. Though usually the grammar is very informal, I think the vocabulary is still okay. Else, I have no reason to write. My work revolves around using a computer even for reports. I guess this is similar to writing using your hand. Nowadays it feels awkward whenever I pick up a pen. Most things come as a double-edged sword. Almost anything can be used either way. Blogging can make you happy simply by blogging about joyful events or positive thinking. As you write, you tend to get absorbed into the content as well. However, blogging can make you more depressed when you write about all the despair or helplessness you face. Because when you write, you are also telling yourself. This is how some people memorize things by writing it out using their own words. I think I can still handle it to an extent.

And that is just exactly why I am against myself blogging daily. Knowing how things are currently, I don't really have happy events all the time. So I should just concentrate on living my life and facing tomorrow instead of reflecting on it every night. There is no proper way to live actually because if there were, everyone will be following it by now. And I choose to simplify things. We should always make decisions guided by past experience and current knowledge but there should be a limit. Just because it failed the last time, doesn't mean it will fail this time unless it is a 100% thing. Furthermore if you can afford to lose and the gain substantial, why not? Gambling is part of living I guess. We gamble our future on every decision that we make. Sometimes the stakes are higher as we arrive at a crossroad in our lives. Anyway one way or the other, I have managed to write this much even though I was expecting only 3 paragraphs. Ending this on a high note, take care and enjoy Sunday!!!

Late nights and me

It has been a while since I stayed up so late. And it is the first time I actually played badminton until 1am. My body did not perform well but it was enjoyable nonetheless. Somehow the whole day played out okay even though I missed a proper dinner. The supper more than makes up for it. I will most probably be trying to catch up on sleep tomorrow and hopefully will not harm my health or anything. I don't really have much to say as I am too tired to even feel anything. All I want is just to have a good rest. Having a nice dream wouldn't be too bad either. Today was just a typical day in the office. At least I managed to do something and confirm the task planning for next week. Looking back at my recent posts, I guess I enjoy being emotional. Somehow it make things more interesting I guess? To confront your real desires, feelings and most importantly yourself makes you feel alive. Solid reminder of where you are now and where you want to go next. Anyway isn't this the idea of a diary? To express yourself with words?

Back to late nights, usually it involves social activities with a group of people. In the past, it will either be gaming or simply supper. Sometimes it can be both. Back in those days, life is a bit easier and with more freedom. Well I thought it was hell at that time but that is only because I haven't experienced working life yet. Staying up late was the norm and so was getting smoke in my clothes. We even criticize those that usually sleep early even though there is nothing going on the very next morning. Because classes do not last 9-5, I can catch up on my sleep anytime of the day most of the time. But once I step out into the working life, I need to sleep as much as possible the night before to last the whole 8-9 hours I am in office. Now things are much easier with Facebook and Youtube access but a heavy lunch is still dangerous. It is human nature to only cherish things we have lost. Else we may not be aware of how important it is to us in the first place. I think I better stop here since it is close to 4am. I can barely think. Take care and enjoy Saturday!!

Denial and me

After yesterday's outburst I realized one thing. I am constantly in a state of denial in order for me to carry on forward. If you are constantly held back by all the bitterness and sorrow, you will never see the possibilities and hope. The feelings will always be there. Nothing I do will erase them as of now. So, the only thing I can do is to put it aside. But it is bound to catch up to me anyway. A problem that is never solved at the root will continue to repeat itself given the chance. And there are sometimes problems that can never be solved. You just learn to live with it. And it is only possible with a peaceful co-existence. With all the turbulent events coming at me uncontrolled and relentless, it is anything but peaceful. I guess I was tired after badminton yesterday anyway. I am tired of being joyful. I am tired of being polite. I want to hate those that wrong me. I am tired of being nice.

It is so easy to give in into those feelings with the correct circumstances. Perhaps that is the natural thing to do. Ignoring it or behaving differently is not the norm so to speak and thus it puts a burden on my psyche. This is what people call patience I guess. But being patient is different from being cowardly. Taking hits from someone who you care about is different from taking hits from a bully. They say being patient is what the strong and wise do because they are capable enough to take the circumstances of others into account while making decisions. To me it might simply be because I am too stupid and ignorant to think people are taking advantage of me. Laughing at my expense is taking advantage to a certain extent. I am always too kind, too considerate and too idealistic. In the end I am the one that always get hurt. I am not strong enough to heal immediately. I only hide them. Just because you get hit daily, does not mean it is not painful.

Putting on a mask daily is tiring. But embracing what you want and what you wish for will make you hate reality. Once you get a whiff of something better, anything less is hard to accept anymore even though there is nothing wrong with it. You start to realize what you have been missing out on. And you will want more. I do not know if there are any people out there that could actually balance out such thinking. Or perhaps it is unique only to me. I mentioned before that I created a new account in another social media site. I seriously hate my Facebook account now. People start throwing stupid comments, criticizing what I like and who knows what else? I have already trimmed some of them out but seems like everyone is like that these days. In my other account, where people do not know me, they do not troll and I feel they are sincere in their comments. I can be myself, I can say whatever I want. You might say it will lose the charm sooner or later but I don't care because I am enjoying it more than Facebook now.

An hour earlier I was doing what I do best. Playing a competitive game online. Even though I lost, it was fun being there again. I lost track of time as it progressed. This is another aspect of my life that I constantly try to deny. Even though it is something unhealthy but it is something I enjoy. Together with all the other issues, it culminated in the emotional outburst yesterday. I am still left to deal with aftershocks today and I guess for the rest of the week. I was so irritable to the extent that hearing idle chatter between colleagues gets on my nerves. Hearing them speak reminded me of all the times when their words hurt me. I cannot confront the issue without risking some of the bonds I have formed with the people involved. I am basically helpless at this point. All I can do is stand there and take it. I am not being patient because I can, I am doing it because that is the only thing I can do without harming myself more.

I believe some of my words resonate with you readers. I believe at one point in life, you may have gone through the same thing. Anyway, now that I am so good at 'faking', I myself am not sure how I really feel since I can just put it aside easily. Being honest with yourself and with people around you has become a luxury and an idealistic pursuit. Even among couples some find it difficult to communicate in such a direct manner. But communication is the most important factor in any relationship. Friends, family, partners. It feels so painful seeing some of them just swallow their pride, their opinions and their feelings as they try to put on a smile and reassure their partner that they are okay and everything is alright. It is just so sad and tragic. Girls tend to act them out. But I know some guys who really gave the girl everything. What he got was mockery, insults and attitude. It already hurts so much seeing people on the receiving end, imagine yourself being the victim. Unknowingly I have already typed this much content. I should end it here. Take care and enjoy Friday.