The reason why I post this here is because I think it is too long to be put as status update in Facebook and there are too many haters over there. It is scary to think that so many people are out to get me. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I am generally not a good person. Or maybe they are just joking or playing around. Even so, I do not want to get offended over something small. Anyway I think I have finally figured out one of my major problems. I am afraid of being happy. Yes, you read it correctly. The reason why is because I am afraid of the loss of happiness even more. The time to say goodbye. The time to stop. The time to go. If it was not something good, then I can leave without issue or complaints. Instead, departure will be a source of happiness then. I am too afraid of being hurt now. And to this degree, I should seriously consider psychiatric help.
As some of you may know, I am a big Korean fan. However, I chose not to go attend the free SNSD performance at KLCC earlier. I quote many excuses but they are simply excuses because so many other people enjoyed their time there. I do feel sad about the loss but surprisingly it is not such a big impact. This is another problem with me. I am afraid of losing an objective. All this while I have been waiting for my chance to catch SNSD live. To properly see them in action, to cheer and to enjoy myself. If I were to witness them at KLCC, will I be satisfied? Then what would I wait for? Another Korean group? Somehow it feels like a betrayal to myself. This is similar to people who spent all their time preparing for something but comes to a sense of loss after accomplishing it. We have never thought of what is next after that because it is not actually a conventional objective with logical steps.
I will rather not start because I know it will end eventually. I will rather not be happy because I also know it will not last. This is a very twisted perception. Luckily it only applies to things that I am sure there is a time limit or a clear ending. But I am still horrified at myself. I cannot even be happy normally without clearing this subconscious mental hurdle. I have been suppressed for so long that I have already accept suffering as part of life. That shit happens because that is simply how it is. I know all this is simply my own assumption of my mental condition because I doubt anyone can diagnose themselves accurately. Is this simply another part of me being dramatic? I am not so sure of myself anymore. But I do feel strongly about what I think now. Do I really reject happiness? The reason why I am always depressed is actually my own doing? I seriously hope not. I cannot take the truth. Do I always see the darker side of life simply because it will be easier to be happy? Because the pain will not be so deep? What should I do?
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