Denial and me

After yesterday's outburst I realized one thing. I am constantly in a state of denial in order for me to carry on forward. If you are constantly held back by all the bitterness and sorrow, you will never see the possibilities and hope. The feelings will always be there. Nothing I do will erase them as of now. So, the only thing I can do is to put it aside. But it is bound to catch up to me anyway. A problem that is never solved at the root will continue to repeat itself given the chance. And there are sometimes problems that can never be solved. You just learn to live with it. And it is only possible with a peaceful co-existence. With all the turbulent events coming at me uncontrolled and relentless, it is anything but peaceful. I guess I was tired after badminton yesterday anyway. I am tired of being joyful. I am tired of being polite. I want to hate those that wrong me. I am tired of being nice.

It is so easy to give in into those feelings with the correct circumstances. Perhaps that is the natural thing to do. Ignoring it or behaving differently is not the norm so to speak and thus it puts a burden on my psyche. This is what people call patience I guess. But being patient is different from being cowardly. Taking hits from someone who you care about is different from taking hits from a bully. They say being patient is what the strong and wise do because they are capable enough to take the circumstances of others into account while making decisions. To me it might simply be because I am too stupid and ignorant to think people are taking advantage of me. Laughing at my expense is taking advantage to a certain extent. I am always too kind, too considerate and too idealistic. In the end I am the one that always get hurt. I am not strong enough to heal immediately. I only hide them. Just because you get hit daily, does not mean it is not painful.

Putting on a mask daily is tiring. But embracing what you want and what you wish for will make you hate reality. Once you get a whiff of something better, anything less is hard to accept anymore even though there is nothing wrong with it. You start to realize what you have been missing out on. And you will want more. I do not know if there are any people out there that could actually balance out such thinking. Or perhaps it is unique only to me. I mentioned before that I created a new account in another social media site. I seriously hate my Facebook account now. People start throwing stupid comments, criticizing what I like and who knows what else? I have already trimmed some of them out but seems like everyone is like that these days. In my other account, where people do not know me, they do not troll and I feel they are sincere in their comments. I can be myself, I can say whatever I want. You might say it will lose the charm sooner or later but I don't care because I am enjoying it more than Facebook now.

An hour earlier I was doing what I do best. Playing a competitive game online. Even though I lost, it was fun being there again. I lost track of time as it progressed. This is another aspect of my life that I constantly try to deny. Even though it is something unhealthy but it is something I enjoy. Together with all the other issues, it culminated in the emotional outburst yesterday. I am still left to deal with aftershocks today and I guess for the rest of the week. I was so irritable to the extent that hearing idle chatter between colleagues gets on my nerves. Hearing them speak reminded me of all the times when their words hurt me. I cannot confront the issue without risking some of the bonds I have formed with the people involved. I am basically helpless at this point. All I can do is stand there and take it. I am not being patient because I can, I am doing it because that is the only thing I can do without harming myself more.

I believe some of my words resonate with you readers. I believe at one point in life, you may have gone through the same thing. Anyway, now that I am so good at 'faking', I myself am not sure how I really feel since I can just put it aside easily. Being honest with yourself and with people around you has become a luxury and an idealistic pursuit. Even among couples some find it difficult to communicate in such a direct manner. But communication is the most important factor in any relationship. Friends, family, partners. It feels so painful seeing some of them just swallow their pride, their opinions and their feelings as they try to put on a smile and reassure their partner that they are okay and everything is alright. It is just so sad and tragic. Girls tend to act them out. But I know some guys who really gave the girl everything. What he got was mockery, insults and attitude. It already hurts so much seeing people on the receiving end, imagine yourself being the victim. Unknowingly I have already typed this much content. I should end it here. Take care and enjoy Friday.