Tears and me

I came here with only one objective in mind. To complain and to remember my past. Those who cannot take this kind of content, nobody is forcing you to. I will be blogging tomorrow as well so I doubt you will miss much. Today finally I received news about one of my colleagues and another employee at the main office has resigned. Why does it have to come to this? Anyway, higher management will simply replace them and carry on. All these while I have only seen temporary solutions to the majority of the problems plaguing the scenery. This has definitely shaken my trust and my respect to the managing prowess of the people on top. I think by next year, the same thing will happen again but hopefully not the people from my department. How many times must this repeat itself before people realize that there is a much more severe problem? If people are going to be treated as replaceable assets, I doubt there will be any future for me. I am much more dismayed by the fact that some people actually do not care. I can only wait and see while trying my best to complete my duties.

You know you have gone through dark patches in life when you can predict how Korean dramas going to trigger your tears. Because you have experienced the very same thing. The only difference is that there is nobody around to help you. And your circumstances remain pretty much the same. Well they can't really make prime time television that depressing right? One of the reasons why I reject dramas is because they are so fake. But that is only me being naive. Now only I realize the reason why people enjoy watching those dramas is to gain some sort of relief from their own lives. When the main character arrives and comforts the girl or saves the day is the dream of many. People like to watch happy endings to keep their hopes alive. The story of our lives are too gloomy. To simply carry forward we actually need to depend on something else. This is why good story-tellers are welcomed since ancient times. Through words alone, people are inspired, motivated and rejuvenated.

I am not implying that each and everyone who watch drama falls under this category. I am sure some simply enjoy watching them. Anyway, last warning to readers who can't read about people being sad. I still remember the day when I literally 'broke'. When I couldn't take it anymore. When everything went blank. It was the first time and I am sure it will not be the last time. The day when I simply cried as my legs grew weak. 'Why is everything so hard?', 'I am a failure', 'Why?'. There were no answers as I simply screamed silently. My mouth searching for a voice but I was too ashamed. Just as how it started, it ended at the same place. The bitterness was only expressed by my fists slamming the wall and the floor. My fingers scrape through my hair as I try to settle down. As much as I hated everything, I hated myself for 'losing'. Tears seldom graced my cheeks as I strive to become a 'man'. I was not strong enough to face everything without giving in into my feelings and thoughts. I was not strong enough to not admit defeat. But at the very least, the burden was off my chest.

There were a few more incidents where I got teary-eyed and my voice starts shaking but never a total breakdown. It was very embarrassing but I can't help it. It is just simply so hard to control when finally you do not need to stop yourself anymore. When you can finally let yourself go. Everything you have kept inside for so long. Of course the common idea would be to reflect and figure out why did it accumulate so much in the first place? There are many theories but I guess it is simply due to circumstances. I learn to accept things that I cannot change and I try my best to change things that I could. Perhaps that is why I came to be so harsh about people not taking action when they have the power to improve matters. Maybe they too are bound by circumstances I am not too sure. But seriously, even though my circumstances were not too bright, I seldom bring trouble to others. Heck, I even try my best to help others if I could.

Thankfully I think I can handle all this stuff better now. Maybe because I do not keep them inside that long no more. And I have this blog. But I think after that day, I changed a lot. It was a shock to me as well after realizing what happened. I guess subconsciously I needed to adapt to that amount of mental and emotional stress. Or perhaps only my circumstances changed for the better without me realizing it. I need to live longer before I can be the judge of that. I am sure most if not all of you would be wondering 'why are you telling me all this stuff?'. I am not too sure myself honestly. I feel like I need to talk about it and be clear about it before I can move forward. But I can never be free from it. Maybe I just want to use this opportunity to remind myself. It was comforting in a weird sort of way when I got the drama plot correct earlier. Maybe I am just relieved knowing that my sense of tragedy resonates with at least the script writer. So, I drew the conclusion that he/she would be sad too if it was my personal situation.

I tend to talk too much when the post is emotional. This is all then. Be stronger than me, take care and enjoy Wednesday!!