3/5/2008

Another manga picture i came across not too long ago...Hohoho...i can onli dream bout sumthing like tis~~....wana cut tis short as it iz 4 sumthing in the morning now...seriously i hav been sleeping around 4 almost every night...spoil my health nia...so today i didnt really study...instead went out wif frens....to Subang~~ hahaha...nvr went thr b4...it was nice..erm...n i think my hair really iz veli long d...need to trim it soon...sumhow =_=...oklah...will blog after i sleep gua...dpends~~>..bb

Manga~ (2/5/2008)

My Journey so far~

I came to this university all injured inside...wasnt easy surviving in university...n i cant really speak in mandarin as well...frens...no...ppl tat i know r veli few...even though i got mix around but i myself was unsure if the smiles n the laughs r real or not...m i lying even to myself in order to keep going on??...battles were fought frequently...internal battles mostly...my mind was in a state of chaos...

However, i came to meet a girl tat i like....yeah...i think she was sparkling at tat time as well...

Well those days were fun...flirting wif each other...hahaha i think she saw right through me considering i was behaving ackwardly...i still dunno how to really sweet talk a girl i guess...n my tries were funny...even i myself think i must hav looked silly...seriously, i hav no experience wif a girl beforehand...my secondary school onli hav girls during form 6...

Sadly, things got complicated real quickly....a war rages n a lot of ppl were affected...sum hurt..while sum changed entirely...

Sum time passed since the war...even though majority of the fighting iz over...i know mine hasnt...but it was wif a different purpose...wif a different target...the aftermath was great...however i think i came to an important conclusion...which i chose to stick wif...

Hopefully i can stick to the conclusion as long as possible...a lot of ppl asked me after they know bout my fight...'why go so far'...'why so stupid?'...'wat do u think u can possibly achieve wif tis?'...'it might not work'...hahaha itz actually quite simple...'i want to see her smiling face'...isnt tat a good enough reason?

Hahaha my story end joh loh...tis picture iz juz one of my idols...his way of thinking, his character n his ideals...r all respectable...even though he iz not real...the way the author depicts him...itz way better than most ppl around here already...hopefully i can be strong like him...n continue fighting on~...anyway if any1 likes tis post plz tell...i will try to include stuff like tis in the future~~...time to sleep aledi...hahaha tis post took me almost an hour to settle =_=

1/5/2008

Hohoho...May liao...Labour Day~~ Holiday~~...doesnt make much difference anyhow =_=...i m bored like crap now...dun feel like playing dota...juz lost a match earlier...hm...rite now feel like wana chat wif sum1...juz relax n enjoy the free time...but looks like itz not possible T_T....onli a few of us remain...sum r bz...most r guys...girls wont b interested in coming out so late..those who sleep late cant on9 as well...my options r severely limited due to certain circumstances...which i hav no control of...yeah mayb thr r a few special cases but i hav special reasons to accompany it as well~...therefore i m here blogging again...today no special topic to blog either...nothing happened tat made me think bout things...hm..anyhow i will juz proceed to report wat happened today then...hahaha...tis morning went for exam...urgh it was terrible...asked us a lot of stuff tat r not available in the slides...sum r not even in the book!!...how do the lecturer expect us to answer correctly??...haiz..looks like my exam results tis sem wont b pretty...another paper remain...next monday....then presentation...wonder how many times hav i mentioned it aledi hahaha..anyway nothing much for the rest of the day sadly...came back from exam, went lunch, play dota, sleep, spent time day-dreaming at the badminton court...but the court iz not full today...not many ppl playing...i like to day-dream at a crowded place...wonder why though...provides a lot of stuff to think about? wont get bored staring at the surroundings? hahaha...after tat dinner, dota, n then supper loh....hm..sounds boring huh...like nvr really do anything at all...anyhow today dota i got pissed off all of a sudden...mayb my mood was bad...but i really dislike certain behaviours...i hate being blamed for sumthing beyond my control...i dun like being pushed...in certain circumstances anyway...if u know me enough, u wil know...regarding tat...i realized itz almost impossible to expect other ppl to understand things without me saying it so clearly...but i think itz like common sense...mayb it iz to me onli? i m the weird one anyway hahaha...how many ppl did i seriously offend anyway?? Those i got involved in an argument with do not count...both sides r hurt...i didnt really offend any1 otherwise did i? Sumtimes i wud appreciate sum feedback...i dun wan other ppl to label me as a hypocrite...if i cant give a logical or acceptable explanation to my behaviour while i say otherwise in my blog..then i will apologise n wont say it again till i myself hav changed...watz the purpose of always saying ppl dun care bout me, not sensitive enuf etc wen i dun care bout others as well rite? hahaha...by then ppl will onli say i deserve it...but my current predicament...do i really deserve it or not??...yeah...since i dun really hav much to say, i wana touch bout one of the arguments i had...coz i saw the person recently hahaha...yeah i m talking bout u if u r reading tis...juz wana touch one aspect of our conversation back then...hm...i might not b able to reproduce the exact same stuff but it sounds like tis...i was talking...ok i was complaining bout how lonely i m as usual...well i think wen ppl iz being sad bout being lonely...try not to recount how many good frens u hav in front of me...itz like i m saying i m veli poor n then u r counting yur money in yur wallet...either u r trying to b funny or u r juz insensitive...well i cant blame u if u tried giving advice coz u r juz trying to help right?? however...wen ppl start to ask 'how bout so n so leh?' forces me to recollect why me n tat person iz not close frens in the first place...wat might hav happened between us or wat stopped us from getting close etc...trust me, if there was sumthing i could do..i wud hav done so...but if u really think i shud try yur opinion then feel free to say it la...but wat i m really hoping for iz for ppl to understand n acknowledge wat i hav gone through i suppose....so far onli 1 person did so....guy summore =_=...haiz...like i said...i shouldnt hav expected any1 to understand anything without first saying it out loud...but does it mean anything at all if sumthing changes after tis? watz the point if u do so onli to make me happy or juz bcoz i say so...i m sure u oso hav tis feeling...wen u r hoping sum1 to do sumting automatically n give u a pleasant surprise...stuff like tis dont happen to me often =_=...well i guess tis iz all i wana say...at least for now la...hahaha even though i m blogging everyday but my posts r as long as ever~...Iron Man came out aledi...wanted to go see today geh...but no ppl...coz the coming days sure full...Labour Day..then weekends...haiz...but thinking of an outing now dont make me feel excited or anything...mayb coz i know it wont happen or i wan sumthing else? dunno la...hm...next monday...final paper...n then i can finally tell the truth bout my plan...itz been a long ride...well the reason i chose to reveal it iz bcoz i think i owe sum ppl explanation...furthermore after tis sem i third sem...then LI aledi...wont b returning to UKM till next january..i guess tatz more than enuf time to leave everyting bhind me n move on wif my life...even if the truth spreads around UKM...it wouldnt hav any effect..i wont b around for one thing...n itz aledi too late for anything...however certain ppl might hav known everything aledi...who knows? mayb everyone oso know aledi...my plan iz all for naught...well...dun care la...even if it iz true, nothing much will change...worst case scenario...every1 loses...by then i owe sum ppl an apology...i wont b able to face them i guess...ah...watever la...will know soon~~...really wana go aledi...hahahaha still continuing to talk so much~~ here iz sum veli cool words i found from an anime~~....nitez nia...

Even if we were to be enslaved in the galaxy's cycle of rebirth,
the feelings that were left behind will open the door!
Even if the infinite Universe were to go against us,
our burning blood will cut through fate!
We'll break through the heavens and dimensions!
We'll show you our path through force!
Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann! (Heaven-Shattering Gurren-Lagann)
WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!

awesome...anime of the year leh....one of my favorite anime...

30/4/2008

End of April...end of second sem soon...too many things happened...things i nvr came into terms wif until wen i m forced to face myself...wen the new me flashed a grin, my heart skipped a beat...since wen..hav i bcome like tis?...in sum ways it iz good...but the changes r too great...i nvr really realized it...anyhow will talk bout it more later...regarding my exams...well thr iz nothing i can bout it...it might go anyway at tis point...i might score high marks or i might not...tatz iz the current nature of my exam...nothing iz for sure...but the possibility of it going to the negative side iz higher...tomolo another paper...after tat the last one will b on monday next week...can rest a bit...play a bit...but no one will b around...sigh...dota again gua...well i will think bout it after tomolo's paper...not tat confident anyway...i will juz answer to the best of my capabilities i think...but after the exams still got a presentation..actually i m more nervous bout it than my remaining exam papers...8th May...soon to come~...hmmm...i shud hav a lot more to say...but sumhow i m feeling lazy...so i will juz go straight to the main point n go sleep soon...hahaha...regarding the change...i guess i m juz repeating wat i hav been saying in these last few posts...i cant 'feel' anymore...i dun care if ppl stick wif me or not...i dun care if they r frens or not...either way my 'feelings' remain stagnant n unaffected in anyway...even though wat i hav always wanted partially happened...or mayb not =_=...yeah i got companions for my lunch dinner n supper now...but itz aledi too late...the damage has been done...no matter wat other ppl do...i cant revert to my former self...i dun even really 'appreciate' their company i think...itz juz 'so u wana come? k'...instead of 'u coming along? great!'...n i feel bad bout it...especially one of them refer to me as 'fren'...well...mayb the person iz juz feeling grateful for me always available...but i dun 'feel' anything...i hav always been here...tiz iz truly a terrible development...timing has always been wrong...wen i need ppl...they r not here....wen i hav gotten over it...perhaps even erased the 'need'...they r available once more...i dun 'appreciate' them d...hm...perhaps i put it too harshly aledi...well my mind iz blur now so i cant really think of words tat can correctly describe wat i feel now...living alone iz not impossible for me...but living wif others iz juz a 'bonus' for me instead of a 'need'...since i was terribly hurt trying to fulfill the 'need'...well at least i still hav the capacity to like sum1...hopefully =_=...not much way to reconfirm nia...nowadays itz like getting to know myself once more as i interact wif others...but i still burn myself to help others...n hopefully...no...i dun think i can still bcome a good guy in the future...mayb i hav even bcome calculative? i m starting to feel bothersome...since they nvr return my feelings...i dun feel so inclined to help ppl anymore...in the past i wud help without a doubt...but now...i will hesitate a bit...i hav bcome more focused on 'me' instead of 'others'...since thr iz no one to care for 'me' but myself...the 'others' hav their 'frens' as well as partners...iz tiz natural human nature? well it seems like others practice it earlier than i did...hahahaha...dunno la...kinda confused now...being cold iz like second nature nia...i think i changed a lot since i arrived in UKM...izzit for the good or the bad?? sounds like bad onli...whr did i originally find the urge to help ppl? to b a nice guy all the time? i think itz bcoz i tot ppl will b frens wif me...wen it didnt work for so long...it didnt seem necessary anymore...no matter wat i do...the current situation wont change anymore...well i wana go more in depth but...dun wan la..ok la...tatz all for now...2 am liao...sleep~..

26/4/2008

Final entry...hahaha...couldnt be helped...sumthing happened...a lot of things happened...wanted to tell sum1...but there iz no one...onli here..tis blog...nothing else i can do...after 2 papers...sumtimes i really think trying my best iz juz not enuf...after the paper tis morning...the notes were not enuf to answer it...furthermore the assignment carry marks were problematic...a fren got high marks even though missed the deadline for one of the assignments while me n my partner passed up all n managed a pitiful single digit mark...it dropped my heart nia...studying hard but not all the questions r based on wat iz taught...or at least not based on the notes the lecturer gave us...n i dun think itz sumthing v can read up on ourselves...dunno la...tatz one...secondly...wud b the issue of arguments i had wif numerous ppl...after a conversation i had wif another fren which finally didnt end up in an argument..b4 tat i think i shud apologize again la for everything...even though my words might mean nothing...how can u feel if i m sincere or not as well?? Yeah....i cant feel anymore...i doubt each n every person...as well as their actions...no matter wat they do it iz due to a reason...not bcoz they r 'frens'...i couldnt accept tat word...after everything tat happened to me i couldnt convince myself got frens nia...no one really cares for me...i m afraid of getting hurt again...hm...i cant really reproduce wat i said wif tat person tat day...well he was understanding enuf to know my situation...n he didnt get angry...instead of saying the thinking iz dumb or impossible or stupid....or providing a solution...he accepted wat i m instead n tried to view things from my side...tatz a good change...ok tatz settled...ehh...third one wud b regarding an issue i hav....personal issue...regarding the one i liked...i hav decided on wat i shud do aledi...i think itz the best possible way...which could achieve wat i m aiming for while reducing the effects...after finalizing it, sumhow i feel more relaxed...accepted my choice...hahaha a short segment onli...next one wud b sumthing occured today...on my way to the motor parking lot i saw a huge group of ppl...saw ppl i wana spend time wif as well as saw ppl that shove me aside...sumhow they get along...as expected i m not invited...if i were to show myself mayb they will invite me gua...but enuf of the fake smiles la...i know i m not welcomed...but perhaps they give face to others? or they juz wana build up their own reputation as 'frenly'?....hahaha...i m not the onli one...they even neglected one of their own...sure he might not b staying wif us anymore but...u all had fun together rite? all of u were a group...changed so suddenly n easily...do they really value frenship? one more thing...one of them has a car...nowadays those wif a car can get 'frens' easily...sure got ppl will follow one..convenient ma...who doesnt wan a free ride? i for one wont pass up on the chance to eat sumwhere special...but if itz sumwhere i usually go wif my bike? dun bother la...i go my own...after witnessing all tis..u cant blame me for questioning frenship in tis environment nia...i dunno wat they see in those ppl...or mayb wat they couldnt see...i too wanted to ask ppl out to eat together or go play together...but wat can a motor do? bring onli 1 fella? for wat?...but nowadays not many wana ride motor...lazy woh...enjoying wif a 'fren' iz not worth the effort ah? at least give a better reason la...but still...unless really kenot go...i sure will follow...supper or dinner nearby...i will always b available...but now more n more r getting attached or aledi hav their own circles...so i m on my own i guess...sum onli find me wen their partners r bz...wat do they think i m...i tell every1 bout my time of meals so tat if they wana find me or ask for a favor to dapao then dun b late nia...but sum ppl juz use the time to ask for dapao even though they got transport...i dun really like dapao for ppl who hav transport but iz juz lazy to go out...i hate tat behaviour...well watever la...so many complaints eh...but not one solution...these r all the ppl tat surround me...i got no choice but to live around them...n try to b a nice guy i guess...perhaps sum still treat me as a 'fren' bcoz i still got value to them...tatz wat it feels like sumtimes...now i m getting bored blogging to myself....hahahha...finally...one last thing...in the evening during my nap..i dreamt of a girl i wanted to protect, to love n to care...to see her cry wud break my heart a hundred times...the feelings were so strong...after i wake up i could still remember it clearly...however...now i can onli remember juz one part...when my hands pass through her hair...straight n smooth...dark as the night...long as well...there iz oso one more thing...there was another guy in my dream...but i couldnt see his face la...the girl was close to him...tatz all nia...to reveal more wud....ahhh...why bother...u all know bout my stuff aledi dont u?...in the dream...i didnt even care who she iz wif...wat i wanted was to she her smile...to see her sleep peacefully as i gently move my hands throught her hair...wat i wanted to do...iz to love her forever...even my dreams hav a close resemblance to my present situation...how i miss tat feeling...the warm feeling in my heart instead of the cureent darkness...n the hope tat the moment will last forever...

22/4/2008

Finally an update...and itz not a good one...exams start tomolo...22nd till 5th May...too much hav happened since the last blog post...so many things i couldnt even count...so many different feelings...well i will try to provide onli the summary...first n foremost it seems tat who i like iz not a secret anymore n iz well-known among her frens...yes..she knows as well...crap..my acting muz hav been pretty bad...

Secondly, tis means either my blog entries r leaked by sum1 or sum1 juz told her...she might even know bout the location of my blog...i curse all those who reveal my stuff to other ppl...i really hate those kind of ppl...u all know yurselves la...earlier i tot of blocking tis blog...but no matter..i will delete tis blog a month after tis entry iz made i guess...i will switch again...i think i can roughly guess the culprit(s).

Thirdly, i hav been involved in an argument wif almost all the females i hav chatted wif...dunno why...seniors, juniors...n those arguments not small one...i oso dunno whose fault izzit...confused aledi...i juz couldnt stand wat they say...again n again...acting innocent as well as caring...if tatz really yur true intentions i rather u not care for me then...onli pains me more...the words they use...do they hav any idea wat it meant? do they know how i feel? do they understand the situation i am in? they juz made things worse...wen i finally accepted an issue they juz hav to bring it up again n give opinions...none of the opinions are useful or carry strong points...i m one who admits defeat wen i see it...but they r juz pushing it...they twist n turn facts...they juz wouldnt stay down...n they like to change topics suddenly...itz rude...very rude...ppl care for me la, tis n tat la...no, i dun feel their care or their feelings...yes, i think i care for them like wat a real fren shud...yes, i hav forgiven them countless times...for yur information onli one of them hav the honesty, courage n politeness to issue a real apology...not a simple 'sorry i dun mean it' out of the blue...n wen u do say it..plz show me u mean it...sum say sorry yesterday but did the same thing again today...wat do u think i am? means i dun mean a thing to u loh...dun really care bout me de...wat else i haven't done? i care for them, i help them wenever i could, i forgive them, i go out wif them etc...but did they do the same for me? i m always on call...my handphone nvr switches off n i always give assurance to other ppl tat itz ok call me anytime...i will reply..n i on9 most of the day...but thr r ppl who sends forward messages 8am in the morning...how many of u actually smsed me for fun or sumthing? not asking me for help or to dabao? Sumtimes i think ppl call me out for dinner/supper iz out of pity...or itz bcoz they hav no one to eat wif...tatz wen they will remember me...i m the last option...i know all tis doesnt apply to every1 of u but it does for sum of u...dunno la...itz too late for change aledi..my heart aledi frozen...my view of everything wont change so easily...a

Honestly, i dun feel like going out wif ppl aledi...i m sick n tired wif ppl aledi...i dun wan to get close to any1 of u anymore...if there iz a call i will reply, if there iz an invitation to eat i will go...tatz all...2 years aledi...i cant feel a connection wif any1...i cant put it in words well...but tatz roughly how i feel...the best fren i hav...iz myself...the more i think bout it, the worst i felt..how pathetic...if u ask me now...wat do u wan from a fren? wat do u expect them to do?...i cant answer u anymore...i hav been living so independently for such a long time...or mayb itz coz my head iz so messed up now...if it all goes well i will give u my answer soon...wait a sec...i go brush my teeth first...will continue...

Ok done...yeah...wat a fren can do...i did it myself...i need help wif personal problems, i face it myself most of the time coz the problem iz related to the ppl around me...i need help wif course problems, no one can help me...normally iz i help ppl hahaha...to cheer me up or comfort me...i think i manage by myself oso...no one can really lift up my spirits...mayb always no one available wen i need the most...everything i do here iz calculated...like i help him aledi so he helps me...tatz how things r..seldom ppl do free stuff...i ask him out b4 but he was bz so he asks me out the next time...everything seems like an obligation...n not bcoz he iz my fren or he cares for me...tatz how i feel now...there r a few who always entertain my requests but i m not sure out of pity or do they really enjoy my company...sumtimes i oso feel paiseh...i feel no 'connection' honestly...hav no feelings...everything iz done without heart...even if ppl r sincere...i wouldnt know anymore...i dun trust 'sincerity' anymore...trusted too much b4 n ended up like tis now..i trust no one...there are no true frens in UKM...tis thoughts aledi burned into my mind...i m sorry if sum of u really meant wat u did or wat u say...i juz cant feel it anymore...i think tatz all i wana say...my last post...bye bye...

7/4/2008

Urgh...i survived the camp...came back in one piece physically but a few pieces mentally n spiritually hahaha...minor scratches n muscle aches...oh yeah got a few bruises as well...however during the midnight walk around the jungle i think sumthing spooked me...but i didnt let it get into my mind...juz passed by my side...i tot it was juz my eyes or my mind playing tricks...however after tat, wen back at camp a few ppl claim to hav seen it oso...sum didnt take it as well as the others n broke down...hm...well i m back here in UKM d so juz think of it as a new n weird experience loh...i think tis iz the first time i blogged in the noon? hahaha was too tired yesterday...during the camp got to see the true colours of sum girls...wen even boys feel kinda nervous n threatened, the girls brave it through as well...hahaha...indeed i m impressed...so strong...i was thinking they wud whine n complain but most didnt...even though sum did, they oso went through wif it...hm i need to recuperate n resume my work d....haihz...anyhow i think i will elaborate on my MSN message lah...during the beginning n middle of the sem...i didnt really brush wif her a lot...ceased communication due to the events of last sem...which i m lazy to elaborate again...but towards d end quite a few events grouped us together...n i m not the kind to lie about feelings...yeah itz like form 6...everytime i see her i think i fall in love all over again...tat kind of feeling...i dun really think of her much of the time but wen see onli i can feel my heart swell...hahaha...but i know i shud stop...afterall i played a part in sending her towards who i believe iz her rightful partner...therefore tatz where my MSN message comes in...i m weak coz i m occasionally tempted..muahaha...i m selfish coz sumtimes i hope things will turn in my favor...which iz bad =_=....n i m stupid for even thinking of all tis stuff...therefore in the end even though if things do turn my direction i wud not go for it...self-punishment for even thinking sumthing might change...wen it does change most probably i will blame myself....but i think it wont...hahaha i managed to witness a few scenes tat onli true lovers will do i guess...n no it does not involve kissing...i can onli wish u both happily ever after....hehe

3/4/2008

Having another bout of flu...haihz...mayb due to my depression...n a sudden loss of money + time...sien....ACHOOOO!!!...really sneeze geh...lazy wana blog tonite...hehehe u all dun fall sick nia...nitez~

1/4/2008

I will strengthen my resolve...let tis day b the onli day tat i feel like tis...i will proceed wif my life as usual the day after...i shall not pursue the matter any longer as it iz not my concern anymore..i will b stronger in tis aspect as well...today i found out bout a terrible truth though...i m growing more n more attached to my solitude...i wud prefer to stay in room n on9...tis iz a terrible thing...bsides tat i think subconsciously i m pushing ppl away...to hav no one, there wont b any disappointments...no need to worry bout others...but can i live on like tis? wat do i really want? i guess tiz iz the reason i m so confused n irritated today...i m fighting an internal battle...mental war...i need sum1..to guide me...gimme advice...no...tatz not it...TATZ NOT IT!!! i wan sum1 to show tat friends do exist...to give me more faith n trust in ppl overall...sum1 to care for me...to look after my back...i m tired aledi...but there iz no one...not tat i pushed everyone away...it iz tat no one can help me...or in sum ways..not suitable to help me...to even listen to me...i can juz persevere n move on...days keep rolling by...i cant stop time from moving until i solve tis...i too muz keep on going...hopefully in the near future...i can onli hope...tat i can finally put down my blood stained sword in exchange for a warm embrace...to lift the shrouds from my heart n soul...to bring light...it iz not tat i really wana push ppl away...i cant speak here anymore...but i will say one more thing...it iz not tat i do not stretch out my hand...it iz tat no one accepts my hand in friendship...my hands r tired already...but i m trying to continue...based on the slim hope tat the unknown tomorrow will sumhow surprise me...

31/3/2008

End of March n a crazy weekend...currently iz 5am...wif now there r mixed feelings in myself...old ones r brought to light again earlier today...but i wouldnt really complain if things continue on like tis...after all i hav lived through it for a while aledi..sumhow everything i see, read or talk about iz related to tis 'incident'...sumhow itz all related today...torn between light n darkness...wat do i really want? wishing for the misfortune of others?? tat iz not acceptable indeed...plz let not my efforts, feelings, suffering n tears go to waste...hahaha not tat i hav actually cried over anything anyhow...juz wana make it more dramatic...but truly...plz...dun waste my sacrifice...but even if it truly happens...i...for now i think...i cant bring myself to swear over tis...i m afraid...afraid tat i cant uphold my oath...so as of now...i will promise...i will keep true to my original intention...even if things swing my way...i will evade it...tiz iz my own punishment for hoping for the bad...it iz impossible to change things for me i guess...haihz...hard to tell everything here considering tiz iz a sensitive issue..but i need sumwhere to vent my innermost feelings....i couldnt trust anyone enuf wif wat i m thinking or feeling rite now...to sum it will b a shocking development....unexpected turn of events...do not think highly of me as i m still human...i think it iz much more better for me to suffer tis rather than another...but sumtimes i do think otherwise...hopefully all tis while i nvr show anything to arouse suspicion...tis iz how things shud remain? let no one else suffer unnecessarily...but in a worst case scenario...every1 will lose...hav i done sumthing wrong?? did i make the wrong choice in the past? how wud things change if i took the other path?? too late to find out...can onli look into the future for now...hahaha...but perhaps i m thinking too much..mayb i m giving myself too much credit...mayb i shud juz sleep...if i talk anymore it might alleviate the problem...if tis blog spreads out into the open...tis will b my form 6 nightmare all over again...n yet i still post tis blog...perhaps i m more confident tis time around...tat no 1 will read n spread...but even if they do read...tis aint my form 6 anymore...hopefully...damn i m running in circles...i dunno wat i m talking about n i m sleepy...almost 5:30 am d...gtg ya...

28/3/2008

Huuu...the end of a crazy week...but sumhow kinda routine oso i guess...projects, assignments, near-accident experiences, messing around wif d girls, getting emo, think bout life etc etc...n itz 3 in the morning now...kinda lazy wana blog actually....i will keep it for tomolo lah....hehehe...if i still remember wat i wana say =_=....nitez every1

23/3/2008

Whooo...the days sure pass kinda fast...23rd of march d...anyway looks like my fren got better today d...even so...there r others who r going through a period of trials n tribulations...every1 iz being tested...as of now i dun hav many to say....but listen to tis song..it helped me pass through one of the dark periods of my life so far

MIRAI - Open Up Your Mind

http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/gsaiyuki/openupyourmind.htm

22/3/2008

Hm....wat to blog here...juz wana wish a fren of mine a speedy recovery nia....not the physical kind though...shocked to see the negative changes in your thoughts...normally iz me who iz negative n needs consoling...hahaha...the impact muz b pretty severe...nothing much happening in my life lately...head blanked joh...wait...i check back my last post first hehehe...hm...i didnt mentioned bout the steamboat trip i had wif the Red Crescent fellas...it wasnt bad nia...everyone got to eat for a reduced rate of RM11 onli...but the soup was so-so onli...the ingredients not bad...atmosphere not bad...expected loh coz they all one group nia...minor isolation iz ok gua....but got FLY in their chili sauce...no point complaining since me n another fella aledi eaten quite a lot of the sauce d...wen come back i kinda forgot wat i did back in my room...most probably was sulking around or playing sms or trying to chat in MSN...the internet still havent improved...wen midnight come stomachache d...hahaha it was the second night straight....first night coz no one go supper...so tot go 7-11 check out watz available..see see got sardin bun...long time no eat joh so buy one loh along wif a few packs of cheezels...come back terus down the bun n one packet of cheezels...soon kena loh...hahaha....hm..wat else to blog about?? i finally start to sit down n do my project...but then hope iz still kinda dim coz not much time remaining for another important main project....see how it all turns out later lah...tatz all for tonight...2 sumthing d...hopefully can sleep nicely loh...rainy season = cool n chilly = hibernation hahaha

21/3/2008

Why the hell did i even bother coming to tis website again =_=....a lot of things happened hand in hand...good n bad...hahaha...juz wen everything iz down, i got the notice tat i was accepted for LI...juz wen i tot everyone ignores me or treats me coldly...suddenly sumone from a long time ago started replying my msn messages...dunno if i shud view tis as a torture or a blessing...to heal me wen i m hurt...juz to hurt me again afterwards?? hahah i could hear ppl saying tat i m too negative d...negative n sensitive...negative i guess ok lah...i myself feels negative =_=...but i hate it wen ppl say i m sensitive...m i really??...dunno lah...dun care...wana sleep now...sien...hungry oso...

19/3/2008

Day in day out...i really wana cry d...but i cant =_=...the feelings r welling up inside of me...feel so sad now...a dejected soul...i m afraid of asking ppl for supper aledi...being rejected so many times...promises broken so many times as well...sum aledi agreed to go tiba-tiba say dun wan pulak..as i walk towards the parking lot...how my heart slumped as i passed by the rooms of ppl i know...i run from one person to another juz to b rejected over n over again...i wana juz kneel down n cry...i dun wana do tis anymore...but i m hungry every night...either i eat supper or i eat bfast...no way i m gona eat bfast...i wake up aledi late...juz enuf time to prepare for class...as i ride my motor towards my destination i onli hav the cold wind of the night to chill me...tis iz not the first time...nor do i think tis iz the last time...wat iz the purpose of living so close to everyone wen there iz actually no one at all?...wat iz the purpose of fighting for yur frens...helping frens...wen there iz actually no frens at all?? over n over again the rejection came...the disappointment...once, twice, today, tomorrow, next week....now 1 sem liao...not counting last sem...juz watched an anime epi...where one of the characters were absent n his friends r worried...sum even missed him...for me? my coursemates will juz think i got lazy or sumthing....dun wana type anymore lah...go sleep better....getting more n more sien....

18/3/2008

Urgh...i m getting severely depressed...really cant contain my feelings anymore....overspilling everywhere...dunno wat to do anymore...i guess itz juz tat time of the year again...hahaha...towards the end of sem i will act like tis..dunno why...happened last time...but itz too early now...wat do i want? wat do i need? wat iz wrong?...as of now i m kicking everyone out of my life d...itz the opposite of wat i m trying to do...aiyooo....bad mood almost 24/7...nothing makes me feel happy...today sumthing expected happened...i got a call to take sumone sumwhere...female d...but sumhow my gut told me it will juz b the same as last time...sumthing will happen tat stops me from fulfilling the task...i tot it was going to rain...but it didnt...i was stopped anyway in the end...n oso no one wanted to go supper...wat iz wrong wif everyone...no need to eat anymore ah? rather stay in room eat biscuits? dammit itz pathetic...n sumthing unexpected happened as well...in a negative way...the food i consumed during lunch hav not much taste...nvr happened b4...i know bad mood might coz u lose appetite but to lose yur sense of taste? watz wrong!??...itz past 2 liao...wana go sleep d..tomolo need to face a big challenge...presentation for group thesis...a lot of ppl got shot down today...we wont b any better considering the lecturer iz kinda...strict i guess...hopefully after tomolo things will brighten up...AARRRGGGHHH!!!!...whew...hehe

17/3/2008

Another thing i wana say...tis one too important to blog another day...as i might forget it like i always do...in the past..wen i always say i m afraid tat ppl might like me instead or i might interfere wif their relationship? itz half correct onli....yeah i m afraid tat i might interfere but not bcoz they may like me or anything...their eyes wont even see me...but itz bcoz i might like her instead...b4 it bcomes too hard to stop my feelings i gotta make sure nothing will happen...i guess i wanted to say tis a long time d...but due to sum circumstances hehehee...since few will read tis blog n oso events like tat r gone long ago i guess itz ok now...tatz all...really wana sleep d...1:30 loh...too early rite? ^^V

17/3/2008

Start of a new week d...almost d end of sem loh...another month more...later hav to worry bout where to stay for my upcoming third sem...but for now...a lot of deadlines...got presentation on tuesday...then final project presentation next tuesday...haihz...wat else? revision in between...oso got another project due final week...oh yeah...got one more research assignment...i m getting bored n tired aledi...came back here one n a half months...seems like a short amount of time but feels like half a year instead...havent gone back home yet...juz now went to the hostel dinner...nothing great...most of d time made jokes ourselves in order to enjoy...i guess tatz about it everywhere nowadays in most events...for the first time in a long time i gel my hair once more...after the statements of a few frens earlier...coz tat time i juz combed my hair after taking a bath n they said it was good....but tis time didnt get a response like tat...onli one fella say itz cool...but tatz onli mayb coz i made one small bunch of hair drop down the front...well it will b quite sum time till i do it again =_=...i was trapped in a social disorder n now i m free from it sumhow...hahaha wen ppl say itz cool, u try to do it again...coz u feel great...but then u will compare yurself wif others coz u wana keep on being cool n great...so u will stare at ppl...they will think themselves as great n the cycle continues...hahaha...i lazy wana blog much tis time...kinda sleepy...later going to pump petrol d...one thing iz for sure...history iz repeating itself...but tis time i m juz smiling all the way...hahaha lazy wana elaborate oso...not many will know bout it anyway...dun wana waste my breath...hopefully tonight will hav a good night's sleep~...bb

14/3/2008

Muahahah now tat i blog so frequently i guess most of u would hav guessed how messed up my life iz...i was staring at my msn n skype list wen i wondered how long since sumone actually msged me first rather than me disturbing them....it was a long long time...suddenly a msg popped up though...hahaha anyway i know bout girls not messaging boys first...i accepted tat a long time d though i dun really agree wif it...but boys oso...damn...my social circle really iz pathetic...n last night as i was trying to sleep i wanted to juz sms sumone n ask 'ei...sleep joh mei?'...sumhow it doesnt feel foreign to me...means i hav done tis b4...but now i couldnt...i miss it...miss it a lot...to feel u hav sumone...frens or girlfrens alike...()!@&)(@&#)(*@)(*&#.... day iz still long..got a lotta stuff to do...hungry tim....haihz....

14/3/2008

Juz came back from an attempted solo supper...didnt expect so many ppl there... i cant really bring myself to juz sit there alone nia =_+...feels weird...no lah i didnt go all the way n came back empty-handed...first of all i went to the atm machine...then i went to pump air for my motor...i tot might as well go supper mah...haihz...i dunno wana ask who to teman me supper anymore...everyone seems like they hav a partner or sumting more important to do...i m frequently rejected...sum followed to give face onli...sien...few ppl suggested i go find a gf...i hav heard tis advice for a lot of times aledi loh...u think a gf iz sumthing u pick up from 7-11 meh...u cant buy it wif money nor can u choose the one u like from a rack...there r human feelings involved...those r precious things tat kenot b messed around so freely...haihz...day in day out i grow more n more irritated by my current condition...i kept on complaining bout ppl...let out my true feelings without giving face...my own words resonated in my head...but i might b taking it a bit too far...life iz short...better make things clear...nvr know wat might happen...wat i m doing...can sumone tell me if itz right or wrong?? haihz...oh yeah regarding supper i m eating biscuits d...hahaha...itz sad to know few read bout tis blog...i wana share wif the world bout wat i m feeling now...i wana feel i m being cared even though v didnt see each other...but itz not wise to blog in frenster nia...even ppl who i dun wan them to read iz there...n i dun think i can block access to my frenster blog can i? aiya dun care la...i will keep on blogging here~~

13/3/2008

Looks like i nvr did remember wat i wana say yesterday...n if u can judge by now i m incredibly irritated nowadays...easily provoked through trivial matters...i guess i cant hold it all in anymore...n sum ppl hav aledi noticed tis change..sum stayed away due to the shock i guess...i started to really speak my piece of mind in most things...nvr cared for the feelings of others anymore...who cared for mine?...but i m incredibly disappointed in my frenship wif a girl...yeaps..the same one i mentioned a few posts ago...i tot can hav a go wif her...but no...it was my own foolish imagination again...i m not blogging about it to remind myself itz an illusion n i shud not bring my hopes up anymore...in reality our frenship nvr progressed to begin wif...i really thought it was getting better...certain times i could onli think of telling her wen i m very troubled...i know she iz available one thing...but she sleeps too early...erm...i think if u wana complain itz better to talk to a girl...first of all they listen better than guys...i forgot another reason much more solid than tis though...erm guys r not tat good at comforting i guess...hey...no wonder girls dun find me for comfort!! hahaha...mayb itz our lack of emotion compared to females? they r able to touch the hearts of others as well as themselves better??? dunno how to put it in words...anyhow the majority of girls here r either taken or sleep early or really not suitable to talk to....i really need sumone in my life now...sumone to talk to...sumone to escape to...no nid to solve problems for me...erm..letz say i m very frustrated in the middle of the night over a project or sumthing...i juz wana message sumone n hav a slight chat...sumone i know will b there for me...will try to cheer me up...no need to succeed...juz to see her try itz good enuf for me...means i m being cared for aledi i guess...top all of tis up wif ppl around me who kept on disappointing me in a lot of ways...sum r new while sum r expected i guess....but i did hope they will change...they nvr thought bout the effects they will hav on others...it iz incredibly lonely wen u r able to see the world differently from everyone else...haihz...if onli i m talking to a person now n not towards tis blog...i need sumone to go through the nites together...hahaha not the way u r thinking though...'u'...iz anyone reading tis post anyway =_=...plz...anyone out there who needs sumone in the middle of the night...i will always b available...my hp iz open 24/7...n itz set on loud..hopefully i didnt turn it to silent mode though...but i guess most of the girls here hav sumone aledi eh?? or they have each other for now...as best frens lah!! wat else u thinking...haihz...oh yeah a few days ago another fella tried to tackle my problems...hahaha in the end nothing changed...wakakaka...life goes on eh?? now to quote sumthing i learn from a manga...wen u r exposed to a greater power...2 choices...either u reach for the summit of tat power or u juz admit u r weak n give up the fight altogether....u wan to challenge the summit...u will think 'i wana do it too!!'...er...another quote from a different manga....there r no strong or weak ppl in tis world...onli those tat work hard to b strong or those tat do not...hahaha....u actually learn a lot bout life in sumthing ppl deem a waste of time or an immature hobby...i think i can blog whole night but itz approaching 4 now...sien...really truly sien...tomolo most prob i will blog again...sumthing will happen...

12/3/2008

Elo again...haihz..nowadays kept on getting emo ler...i guess i cant handle things anymore..n i m getting more n more forgetful...everytime got sumthing to say occasionally will forget...like now loh..didnt do much work either tis days...still almost the same...argh juz now could think of sumthing...sumthing important!! wat was it...heh...itz approaching 2...got lots to say but no means to say it...i cant describe it...dun even know where to start...

7/3/2007

Hm....itz been a long time since i blogged...hahaha perhapz itz due to the bad connection in the hostel..or itz juz tat a lot has been happening in my life..too much....tat now i m at a loss...as to wat to do from here...i hav finished a lot of stuff...now onli a few things r left...one of them iz a doomed presentation...the lecturer will bite us off...none hav survived so far...but i cant juz ignore it...but even still...spending a weekend on it iz overkill...wat else do i hav? wat else can i do? wen u drag out too much water from a well too quickly...there lies an empty space b4 water flows back to replace those gone or the whole level juz recedes...wen suddenly there iz no drive or purpose to look forward to...mayb i m still suffering from lack of sleep but 8+ hours iz way too much...rarely do i get to sleep tat much...very rare...n i juz woke up from my afternoon nap...whole body still feeling heavy n my mind in a blur...the mms yesterday was rather lacking i think...i couldnt put it down as the past yet...my consciousness iz still forcing me to think tat did i really give everything i hav got into producing it? izzit tat i can do no more n no better? so tiz iz how regret feels like? wen u r still living in the past tat u cant possibly see the future? nvr tot a simple mms could do so much to a person eh? simple...mayb i shouldnt describe it as simple nia...since it took me a few days to complete it...almost 8 hours per day on it? in the past wen i hav regret iz wen i play dota n lost...thinking perhaps if i hav done better the team wouldnt lose...hm...so i feel like tis wen i thought i hav let ppl down bsides myself? yeah...i guess so...none of the ajk thanked me for a job well done yet like last time malam pengenalan...no celebrations no nothing...mayb they got bigger fish to fry? but even to myself i felt it was juz kinda average...didnt hav the effect i was hoping for...wat did i do wrong?? i guess tiz iz the issue of the day nia...damn i still feel tired...so heavy...i know i shouldnt b...earlier i tried to play game...but i felt sien...then i knew sumthing iz not right d...i wont feel sien wen i play games tat i like...but the game hanged lah...hahaha...now i think wat do i wana do n i cant come up wif anything...find ppl to chat? play a game? nothing comes to mind...i m stuck...couldnt move on into the future....hopefully the night will b better...finding ppl to chat...i onli hav 1 person in mind now...but dunno if she iz free or back hometown or not...there i said it...a girl...scared d liao...izzit going sumwhere i m afraid of? or m i thinking too much? iz tiz how friendship between guy n girl shud b? or izzit possible to go sumwhere further? itz not like i m the one initiating it tis time...for the first time i think she might b interested...hehe mayb i m giving too much credit to myself...but i do know she wana b frens...true frens...tat much iz sure nia...i m juz waiting for sumthing more...she iz going hot n cold..if she likes me for real then i hav to return her feelings...either as a fren or as the one she chose...m i missing a chance of the lifetime? iz she the one? but i dun hav the same feeling wif the ones in my past...i dunno ler...confusing..thinking too much again? but tatz wat happens wen i m too free..no classes n no ppl to talk to...onli tis blog where my thoughts run free...thoughts tat i wouldnt even think of unless i wrote down my train of thought....everytime i tried to confirm her feelings she would brush me away...but oftentimes she catches me offguard wif the words she say n i will get confused all over again...mayb i m juz stupid...or mayb tatz how friends talk? bah it wont end...anyway mayb one of tis days i will post sum photos on my frenster...updated pics of my looks...hehe...nothing much changed other than a freakingly long front hair...coz didnt cut during CNY...ok then time to cut my nails...almost 0.5cm long d...everytime ppl ask i give the excuse i m too bz to sit down n trim it...now i got all the time in the world...hehehe...bb~

17/2/2008

Hm....itz aledi almost a week since i came back to UKM...the situation here didnt improve much...n the internet connection has juz gotten worse...now i m sitting at the UKM library...the last hope aledi..hahaha...Chinese New Year still havent end nia...got a few days more...but watz the difference wen u r in UKM? Unlike sum of my frens i cant go back to my home once in a while or sumthing...haihz...being lonely during CNY iz kinda bad...but i got a lot of stuff to do as well...pressure to perform well iz choking me...i juz gotta do my best i guess...currently playing an addictive computer game..but i cant dedicate too much time there...after the midsems then i think can relax a bit...my hostel dota competition iz coming up as well as the hostel dinner...hopefully it will b fun...frens r important...especially those who can go along wif u...watz the point of being rich if there iz no one to treat? watz the point of having free time if u got no one to spend it wif? even if u r the most intelligent person in the world...there iz no point if no one to share...a lot of daily activities bcome much more fun wen u do it wif sumbody else...luckily the weekend iz coming to a close soon...another new week...haihz...need to cater to the needs of 6 different 'bosses'....which iz worse? studying or working? even if ppl say working iz hell, at least u get money...the courses itself iz not tat hard i guess...itz the lecturers tat make our life miserable wif their demands n precise timing for assignments, projects or quizzes/exams...*)(&$#@(*@(*# feels like talking to myself...gg de...

9/2/2008

Wooo...Happy Chinese New Year~~~ hahaha....third day of new year aledi loh...nowadays always so bz n tired nia...but happy...too bad it wont last long...haihz...the dreaded day will soon come...but b4 tat juz wana enjoy as much as possible nia...ok then...wana go sleep soon...hopefully everyone will hav a bountiful harvest...muahahhaa...oh yeah..if u havent noticed from my msn message...i cut my hair de...n now it looks kinda weird...dun care lah...bb nia...

5/2/2008

Finally the inevitable happened...my hair...my long hair iz no more...now itz not even a shadow of itz glorious past...well hopefully it will grow back by the end of the sem...but i need to go LI aledi...speaking of LI...itz a source of headache for me...i dun think i wana call up companies n ask to apply for internship...but if really no choice i guess i hav to...nowadays watch tv again~~ so long nvr reach tv...hahahhaa...sum dramas nvr cease to amaze me...Nodame iz so adorable...if a girl like tat falls in love with me...juz thinking bout it makes my heart feel warm...hm...but sumhow it seems to b against my principles...so far i think i onli hav interest in girls tat r capable n independent...but the drama iz far from over...judging from wat i saw, i would say she will catch up to the man of her dreams...tat would b cool to watch...sadly i will b back in UKM de...anyhow tatz all for now loh...nothing much happening nowadays...waiting for CNY...went out wif my neighbourhood frens once onli....n tatz from 8pm till 6am the next day...i think oso no chance to yumcha wif secondary school frenz nia...bb nia...n HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIAN CHOON!!...hm...the post a bit late...HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY KIAN CHOON!!!

22/1/2008

Hmhmhm...tuesday liao...tis week hopefully will b an eventful one...got PAP dinner nia...finally i could go eat de~~...n then there iz a dota competition tis coming weekend...hahah i m not playing nia..soli to disappoint if i did...i will be there to support my former teammates though...all of them asking why didnt i form a team of my own? hm....not tat i dun wan but the players here r still kinda green...tatz my opinion lah...i will b bringing them directly to b slaughtered juz for me to play?? dun wan loh...passed up the first part of my full sem project...then presented a research assignment...n went to robotics lab...seems like i done a lot nia...i do feel kinda glad...at least for the rest of tis week...next week second part of the project de loh...itz still early now...n i dun really feel like going supper alone...but dun really feel like eating biscuits in my room either...haihz...i think it wouldnt hurt to skip supper once or twice...my gastric problem iz getting more serious...earlier i imagined an argument wif sum ppl i know...hahaha i always do tis dunno why...for u all who didnt read my original Friendster blog b4...i hav mentioned a lot of times...my brain dun really shut down...always thinking all the possibilities...i dun focus on negative parts onli lah hahaha...anyhow i think it iz a valid point if i say i m suffering like tis..er...gastrically bcoz of the ppl here...i nvr had any problems wif gastric b4 i came here..then wen i m in UKM de, i dun hav transport...it was hell...waiting for ppl to dapao for me n stuff...if seniors or ppl wif transport dun go out to eat...i hav nothing much to eat de...the amount of food i eat decreased significantly...last sem even wif motor it didnt improve much...everyone eats their meal late...sumtimes wen say go out for dinner oso hav to wait they set up transport, borrow helmet, wait sum guy or girl...i will b starving like mad...n misunderstandings happen most of the time juz like tat...i cant think rationally wen i m hungry...now itz too late to do anything for my gastric system de...i developed a rather serious one as i generate gas...meaning the opposing effect of being full...wen u eat a lot...u burp or fart rite? wen i get hungry...i do tat instead...after asking around itz a rather serious condition as the body iz going in reverse...well wat to do...the shit tat i do for everyone...hahaha...not tat it matters now...my voice will nvr reach them...itz been a week de...no one really contacted me...i guess tatz the extent of our frenship eh guys?? however...thanx for all the memorable moments nia...even though it might not b sincere, or it might not b everlasting...it was fun..hehehe...

18/1/2008

Believe that i believe in you as much as i believe that u believe in me...and with all that, believe in yourself.

An anime taught me that. When the character died, i too was sad along with the rest of the characters in the anime. I was looking for inspiration in him as much as them. But, how come people like him only exists in anime? Only anime show me what motivation, self-confidence, trust or friendship can achieve. Is there no more real life stories? Not many people give me inspiration. Bah, never mind.

13/1/2008

Finally the weekends gona b over..n i came to sum private conclusions...important ones...ones tat r positive n m glad tat i could realize it early...life iz not meant to b thrown away..after almost crashing my motor down the ground another time...n receiving sum valuable advice...advice tat actually got through my thick skull...i was lucky tis time...coz i understood how my motor will react if i brake suddenly..so i separated the braking juz in time to negotiate the corner...i shouldnt hav been speeding anyway...i tot it was juz for fun...hahaha...the scars from the past saved the present me...came back to the room...heartbeat still a bit fast...then go take bath n sat down in front of the laptop reading a manga...a manga regarding a doctor n how he helps his patients without regard towards his superiors or the administration...the chapter follows the story of an old woman suffering from cancer...not onli tat she iz suffering from the medication as well...the clever script as well as the life-like drawings almost made me shed a tear...if it was sumone i knew lying down there suffering...walao...n the old woman....her husband did everything he could...n luckily the main character iz who he iz...a hero...a hero going against the corrupt hospital officials...it also shed light towards wat doctors hav to face everyday...indeed there r happy moments...but faces of anguish n extreme sadness...even despair r visible as well...patients who blame the doctors...life iz important...i certainly will appreciate my life more watever the circumstances might b...i really will try my best to drive carefully wenever possible...hahaha...oh yeah...the ATM machine can reload handphone credit...today really studied a bit...feel kinda satisfied...understood how girls r generally smarter than boys...wen u got nothing to do...u juz kinda get more curious bout things i guess...as i went through the notes, i surfed the net to search for terms i dun understand...even though the lecturer might not hav covered it i still looked for it...why?..normally i might even think tat it iz troublesome...itz bcoz i m studying n i m not in a rush to do anything...there iz nothing planned...no outings, no dinner trips...i got nothing to do...playing a game or not iz completely up to me...i can play wenever i wan anyway...or mayb i juz wana improve on the way i study last sem...seeing how everyone say i muz try my best tis sem...i will make sure it will b more erm....dunno how to put it ler...if after going so far as to study from the second week of the semester onwards dont put me in the dean's list i m gona whack those fellas saying i shud try my best...sumtimes trying hard iz not good enuf...sumthings juz wont work in yur favor...but there iz nothing to lose iz there...bsides...i might even gain sumthing from tis...by proving it wrong n spitting it at their faces hehehe....using me as a real-life guinea pig...i think nothing else to say liao loh...tatz all for now...still feel kinda fresh after the bath...play game sin~~....bb

12/1/2008

Urgh...another weekend...but tis time i will try to make it different...by studying...yeah u read tat correctly...after being disappointed wif my own weaknesses i decided to bring tis a lvl further...now tat i dun think there r frequent outings anymore might as well channel all my frustration n other negative feelings into sumthing more useful...everyday i try to live my life on my own now...dont wana care for anyone but myself...a pitiful life sum might say...n i know i will b missing out on a lot of things...but if itz the best for me n everyone then so be it...i still couldnt process the term let go of my past...how to let go?...wat to let go?...if everything tat i m now iz coz i couldnt let go then i really muz try to face it one way or the other...perhaps the situation here or the scenario might b a bit special or unique but who knows? sumthing similar might happen in the future n i will know how to best react to it....hopefully =_=...earlier i tried to contact my coursemates for supper...i dun dare to hope for much...in fact i dun really know wat to talk about if they really agreed to come out for supper...they said no...one fella go paktoh while the other iz bz...i feel relieved but disappointed at the same time...if i dun talk to anyone...no one talks to me save for a few...there r exceptions of course...examples would b wen i hav sumthing they want...be it knowledge bout sumthing or an item...or i m the 'last resort' so to speak...meaning no one else loh..then onli find me...sum say i take life too seriously or make things too complicated...i juz wanted to know why...i m juz asking questions...mayb none can answer tis questions other than myself??...but i couldnt...no matter how many nights i spend thinking about tis issue...soon i will b released into the wild..how will i fare then?? it will b foolish not to plan for the future rite?...anyhow while writing tis blog i realized sumthing i think itz a universal truth...or in simple words..a fact...no friendship starts without a reason...u wan to know sumone else bcoz u r sitting bside the person in class, or grouped together...or u think the person iz attractive, charming, handsome or pretty...sounds harsh rite? throughout my blogs i hav posted so many facts like tis but i dun think anyone could proof me wrong....at least not yet...indeed i m hoping for sumone to do so...perhaps the world will b a better place...i feel tat i hav much more to blog..but sumhow i feel tat itz juz a waste of time as well...posting a blog iz sumthing to do out of loneliness...at least for me lah...if i got an active social life, tis blog will rot...too bz mah..hehehe...no more lonely nights such as tis i guess...so...wen i m alone...who will even bother to read tis blog...n i didnt really reveal tis blog to a lot of ppl...i prefer not to...so tat i can talk bout sumthings in private...but i wan tis blog to b read by ppl...i wan to send my thoughts sumwhere...ah...cant really put my thoughts into words successfully tis time...my mind iz getting blur de...tired i guess..hahaha...n bored no less...tatz all then...

10/1/2008

It was hope...n pure stupidity...i hoped too much for tis sem to b better, i hoped too much to hav more frens...n i thought i was a member of a group...i was wrong...i hope sumone could understand...i was wrong again...hope iz a double-edged sword...hope provides motivation for us to live another day...to greet another morning wif a smile...to accept, to forgive n to give one more chance...but wif hope there iz disappointment as well...if no hope then no disappointment...hahaha...i wanted to move on...to start a new one...to let go...wat iz to let go actually?...to forgive? to completely forget about it so it wont bother u anymore? if u still remember bout a sad past surely there will b times wen u r reminded by it especially if u r exposed to similar elements frequently?..to not let it bother yur life? meaning to freeze yur emotions? to neglect it? i dun really get it...mayb i m juz plain stupid...i fell from a motor b4....so everytime i ride during the rain i will b afraid...human nature right?...i treat sumone good but it was to no effect like those b4 so i will feel disappointed or despair....right? coz again n again oso kenot...kinda like failing sumthing again n again until give up liao...however tis iz life right? u cant give up on life? so can do wat woh? juz say no or get away? izzit even possible? hm...i dun think anyone can live alone...choose other frens? but there r no more others to choose woh...u hav no choice in tis...erm meaning in the choices of ppl to spend time wif...no one else available...so wat to do woh? juz keep on getting disappointed? hope tat it will get better? tat they will change? try to make them understand bout my needs? wouldnt it be too selfish? if others can b frens wif them why not me? watz different? hm...mayb if i could 'let go' of the past which iz me failing again n again?...hm...can it be done? r there emotional scars?...mayb will b scared to attempt again...so...can one live life without hope? kenot oso woh...so wat can b done? b more patient?...but getting stepped on all over the place iz not cool leh...being taken advantage oso...hm...one last question i guess...head oso spinning liao...can normal logic/methods apply to tis problem?..hm...i think can ask more questions...mayb itz not others? itz me? i shouldnt hav been too optimistic? mayb i shouldnt hav expected to b accepted? Ok, scenario example...

After many nights of me asking for supper n getting rejected, they then went out behind my back..considering the excuses they gave me a few nights ago...hm...n i was waiting for them to end their practice session...gotten kinda hungry earlier...

hm..mayb the solution iz simple? i m not in the same group as they r...i m not veli important?...mayb itz juz tat they forgot? or they dun like me at all? mayb i m not funny enuf?...or hav no topic to talk wif me? do i hav bad table manners? i got my own transport woh...n i m not bz...no assignment or projects in motion yet...tomolo no class oso...why leh? they dun think i would wan to go supper?...puzzling to say the least =_=...anyone can help me answer mah?

4/1/2008

Itz aledi 3am nia...hahaha back to normal i guess...go to class, sleep, eat, dota n yumcha...i guess tat sums up my usual routine...but after coming back 2 days i onli saw 3-4 ladies from my batch onli nia...where iz everybody =_=...even guys i havent seen everyone yet...well v r not in a rush...hehe...tomolo no class luckily...but got meeting for the computer society...i guess i hav to finish up my stuff tomolo...if possible lah~~...blog posts getting shorter nia...everytime blog oso veli late n veli sleepy...or mayb nothing big happened yet...well itz juz tat i dun really hav a lot of things to do...n i juz tot i wana tell sumone bout my day...everyone here iz bz wif their own life...i dun think anyone can afford to listen to my stories or opinions...hm...i guess tatz another valid reason to blog...i didnt feel the urge to blog while back home though....nothing much happening? most of the time i m at home or otherwise at 24 hour area playing dota n yumcha...mayb itz bcoz i cant really relate to the ones reading tis blog...dun worry i m not crazy enuf to write in different blogs at the same time...i onli hav tis one currently...friendster blog i aledi say goodby3 nia...wua...suddenly can type so many words...surprised myself...hehe...juz scrolled through my pictures folder...hmhmhm...bsides a lot of lenglui n anime pictures oso got pictures of me involved in sum outing or event wif the ppl of KBH...back then wen i had short hair...i think i m a lot slimmer than i m now...got motor getting lazy joh...hehe...but couldnt bring myself to go jogging though...okloh wana brush teeth watch half an hour anime then sleep liao loh...tatz all~~

3/1/2008

Back in UKM de loo...juz finished supper wif frens...wah...the time here passes so slowly...nothing much to do oso...play games oso kinda boring...classes not yet officially start...most ppl oso bz wif their societies n stuff...i oso need to get ready for the chaos...saw a lot of ppl today de...anyhow itz fast approaching 3am de...tomolo i got 9am class summore...tis one they say sure got class nia...oh well...at least now i can drive motor once more...almost forgot how it feels to hav the wind in my hair...my long long hair...hopefully i wont get caught by the lecturers~~...tatz all for now...nitez!!

1/1/2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Nothing like having a pizza dinner n drinking beer to usher in the new year...it has been quite sum time since i drink like tis...hehehe....once more...HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008~~~~