31/12/2007

Hm...last day of the year aledi...hehehe...nothing much to blog about though...juz now saw smallville...clark saw lana wif lex...itz heart breaking for him...i can relate to him wen he describes his feelings to chloe...'i cant even breath'...well love happens so suddenly no one can control it...n sumtimes it happens between the most impossible ppl...hm...itz in the past aledi...new year loh...new stuff might happen ^_^....be it good or bad i gotta move forward...even if i dun wan to, time waits for nothing...then i watch another series...the best years...2 best frens living in the same dorm, sharing the same toilet but they shared the same person to be in love wif as well...one of them said she feels all of tis iz stupid...oh yeah forgot to say they r females hehe...she wanz everything to b the same as last time..she wanz her fren back...then...as if the other girl spoke my mind....nothing iz ever tat easy...v can nvr pretend nothing ever happened...it iz impossible for now....i lost sum frens i think tat could hav supported me a lot in the future...i wana b wif them once more....but itz not easy...memories...r nvr easily forgotten...actions r nvr easily forgiven...hehe...sum ppl went back to UKM aledi loo...as for me i see no reason to go back so early nia...dun really hav anyone i wana see...or anyone i wana celebrate new year wif...hm...time to play game aledi...hehehe...

29/12/2007

End of the year de loo....holidays oso over de looo...time for reflections? hm...well tis year iz...i think itz good overall...first year second sem ended nicely...academically of course....hehe...then second year first sem got motor loh...academically not tat good..socially...a lot of new experiences...sum good sum bad...sum memorable n sum...could not be forgotten even if i wan to..anywayz my memories go beyond tis...i remembered wen i was small i use to cry or get very sad wen celebrations or the holidays r ending...i guess my perception of time wasnt sumthing very new...mayb even wen i m still young i know tat the time wont come back..tat it will b gone forever...18th bday will b different wif my 21st bday...juz an example ler...i dun really remember bout my 18th...hahaha...n i used to reject certain songs or singers for stupid reasons...how stupid? bcoz it makes me remember sumone...or sum event...which i rather not...even now...everytime it rings as a ringtone or juz sum VCD shop promoting the music...well i cant deny the fact tat it iz popular n sum of them even good to listen about...but itz a bittersweet experience...hm...i got a lot more to talk about actually...but most of it lost during sleep nia...wanted to blog yesterday but it was 4am...so now itz 4pm...hehehe...classes will start soon enuf...nothing much will change...

16/12/2007

16 liao loh...bday week coming up!! a lot of ppl oso bday nia in the following week..haihz still got another 2 weeks then i will b gone...could barely finish a game...hahaha...juz came back from dota again...hehe tis time veli successful de...win all the games...hav a short reunion wif sum frens...too bad itz gona end soon...a lot of ppl oso going back de...juz now supper caught a glimpse of a pretty girl...well there were a lot there..but tis one seemed so innocent..well she iz veli young...helping out her parents at one of the stalls...she goes around doing her business...when there isnt any customers to tend to she juz sits around n chat...if she doesnt gets influenced negatively she will grow up to b a good woman...independent n pretty...hehehe...wif tat wonderful smile...well mayb next time i will buy from her stall...but she iz too young...oh well...look forward to the future then~~

14/11/2007

Wau...14 liao loh...2 more weeks...one more week then will get results i guess...hm...time passes so quickly wen u got so many things to do...so many things to play...i tot itz gona b boring n lonely but at home itz fun...one sem away from home....now can spend a lot of time wif my family...i dun really catch up wif sum of my frens...well i dun hav transport tatz the first thing...but i saw an old fren...n he changed a bit...didnt say anything...juz flashed a grin...hehe...felt kinda nice inside...tot he was gone...nothing much to blog about now i think..hehe...

2/12/2007

Woo....aledi December...more than a week since i went back to ipoh de loh....hahaha...even though a lot happened here...kinda hurt in a lotta new ways as well...but i guess itz not tat bad...i got around 1 month to play around...nothing much to blog about...juz wana use everyday to the maximum...the timetable back home almost the same as back in uni...except i go play instead...wakakkaa...met back wif a few frens...but lost many times playing games wif them...hahaha i guess all of us gotten worst...golden age over de loh...now v r juz average gamers...goodbye...halcyon days...

24/11/2007

Back home aledi...need sum time to get use to the environment here i guess...the food as well...went to toilet a few times aledi loh...slept a few hours earlier now suffering from headache...hahahah...i will get well soon nia...rest for tis weekend at least...then play play play!!!...i will seriously blog stuff tomolo hopefully...dun really feel like typing a lot now...gona go sleep early later...

23/11/2007

Aledi a day has passed since the last day of my first sem exams...now i sit in my room blogging after packing part of my stuff...hopefully i will depart tomolo morning...or afternoon the latest...today i hav juz spent the whole day playing around...tis time the group was nice...could click pretty well...but itz hard for us to come together often...anyhow i m too tired de...juz now was thinking if i shud do sumthing...but i think everything iz fine as it iz...okloh...after tis i will b blogging in my room de...hahaha bb nia...hope everyone will enjoy their holidays...n if those who seek to work, may it b fruitful as well as meaningful n smooth-sailing...

21/11/2007

Last day of my exams loo...a feeling of emptiness wells in my heart...hm...i cant really stay in the library any longer...even if i could...there iz nothing else left to do there...dun wana bother those studying for their last papers...a lot of ppl oso going back de...even wif a place to gather not many r interested to stick around...tis sem iz awfully quiet n boring...during first year it was fun to study there...got more ppl to kacau...more options...hahaha not limited to a few onli...i m not forced to mix wif ppl i dun like...tat crowd couldnt b replaced...even though got newcomers...hahaha normally they stay in their room no matter wat i say...i used to try encouraging them to come out to study in a group in the past...but it didnt worked...now i think i know why liao loh...hehe...still wan me to say it out clearly meh...i think my 'loyal' readers can figure it out de...to think the exam season of tis sem will end tis way...haihz...it had a terrible start...received a much more serious wound during recovery period summore...hahaha i m not talking bout my performance in the exams nia...how come it will end like tis...till now the message of sumone still rings in my head...'itz yur choice'...do i seriously hav a choice? i hav done everything tat i could aledi...i hav tried to forgive n forget...talking to them? do u think it would make a lot of difference? plz try to remember wat happened tat day...no matter how much i talked to them b4...hahaha it was a new way to inflict pain nia...it all started wif me waiting for sumone n miscommunication...then now it ends wif no one waited for me n oso miscommunication i guess...blame it on english mastery, forgetfulness or plain negligence? i hav nothing else to say aledi...my choice...if it was u...how would u hav reacted? dun juz talk from the side...try standing in my shoes...itz my choice to not talk to them? to no mix wif them? do u really think i can juz act like nothing happened n smile? itz not even a month after the incident...even if i wana forget oso not so fast gua...n i guess sum of u know tat i got angry wif sumone for almost a year b4...even if i forget aledi...can u guarantee tat i wont b reminded of the pain again?...nvr try nvr know ah? hahaha it wasnt u nia...easy for u to say...i m afraid...recently i received an emel about how life will end one day...how many ppl really cherish time n frens like tat? if u think i m lying or anything then itz ok...but i try to make everyday count...everything i do, i bear in mind if itz the last thing i do myself...or the last thing i do wif tat person..will i hav any regrets? i ask again...how many ppl out there think of time...think of ppl...n think of life like wat the emel said? or at the very least...think of those things as much as i do? sem1 second year of Tye King Wai 2007...iz going to end de...it iz veli tiring to think like tis in everything i do...but it makes me appreciate things more...ok loh...i better end here b4 i start cursing ppl wif death or sumthing...

20/11/2007

Finally finish another paper....i think tiz one iz the best so far de...for me lah...the paper iz veli veli subjective though...no one knows the actual answer to sum questions...all depends on own interpretation of the question and the scenario given...after tat spent whole day playing games...didnt touch any of the slides or notes...holiday mood liao loh...final paper on wednesday...after tat freedom...but after tat...watz next?...juz now was chatting wif sumone regarding the state of the community in the hostel...everyone iz separated de...dun hav one huge group anymore...all hav their own closed circle of frens...sum r stand-alones...both of us shared bout how life used to b in our past...surrounded by ppl...going out together...doing things together...those feelings kenot be felt anymore here...dun hav a sense of togetherness anymore...erm...at least for both of us lah...mayb sum of u out there r pretty satisfied wif the way things r right now in the hostel...haihz...oh yeah...i think the contents of tis blog iz leaking around de...or mayb i m juz thinking too much...an unexpected sms came yesterday...it iz sumhow related to one of my posts earlier...not tat i really care bout tis but...wouldnt it be wonderful if things would change naturally? tatz the best way right? hehehe...for sumone to behave in a different manner juz bcoz they know bout the contents of tis blog...dont make me feel better one bit...in fact i might think why fake it? might make me more upset wen u bring me hope then send it crashing to the ground once more...tatz wat most ppl do to me T_T...wat shud i do now....hopefully i wont bow down to pressure n do sumthing i will regret in the future...i juz wana say tis to sum ppl out there...the disappointment iz too deep...even if a lot of time has passed...or more things happen...there iz nothing more between us...i cant permit myself to forgive everyone once more n clear an opening juz to get stabbed at again....but i still care for everyone...even if there r no more words between us...i hope tat all of u will hav better days ahead...if there r any problems n onli i could do sumthing about it...then try asking...doctors heal even enemies right? but if i find out all of tis iz a trick...or a part of a plan...i dunno lah...everything tat has happened is due to the true nature of everyone...no matter wat, nothing will change...how they act, how they talk, how they think as well as how they treat me...mayb they can fake it for a while but in the end the result will b the same...if i hav forgiven sum of them sumhow in the future...i know tat i will end in heartbreak once more...as of now i will follow my ultimatum as closely as possible...if there r no frens suitable for me to mix wif...then so be it..i will live the best i could by myself till the day i find my frens...

Tis iz wat the recent events hav made me think...
If you really wanted me as a fren, you would hav treated me better. You would hav brought me closer. In the end, i m juz an 'option' right? I am optional. Not required. Not necessary. Not a priority. Not cared for. I am juz around to make a crowd. Everything is fake. I was juz dreaming wen i tot i found sumone to be wif. Somethings are not meant to come true.

18/11/2007

I m blogging in sumone else's home now...too tired aledi...continue tomolo lah...hahaha...today study a bit...chatted a bit wif sum fren...i think i scared her away nia...hahahha...thanx for trying..meant a lot to me nia...thanx a lot..less than a week left b4 i go back ipoh...i will persevere sumhow...

17/11/2007

Saturday looo...sumhow no mood to study at all today...instead went around playing...life here bcomes more boring...i think i actually regret working so hard for PKK...doesnt justify my life here...living in senior block doesnt seem so bad now...internet connection iz terrible...playing dota not tat important in my life anymore...i still depend on it for entertainment...guess i really shud stop entirely now...today actually no mood to play dota...itz juz a socialising tool back in ipoh...watz the use here now?...sure i managed to secure a win in a tournament last year wif a group of frens...fame? yeah...but along wif it iz the pressure...i juz wana live my life normally...i juz wanted to test my skills in a real competitive environment...i dun really care if ppl forget tat i actually win tat one...it would hav been for the better...sum ppl fear playing wif me...sum of them take pride in defeating me...my bad temper oso grew due to tis game...but i kenot find any substitution here...due to the lack of on9 services i cant chat wif ppl...yes, chatting wif ppl iz enuf reason for me to not play nia...i wana talk so much...talk bout anything at all...talk bout how lunch tasted bad...how the weather seems strange nowadays...how the last paper was a disaster...i wana share...i wana connect...but it seems almost impossible here...looking for ppl in the rooms? doesnt feel right...seems as though i m bothering them...but no one gathers at the foyer anymore...now exam season...everyone go to the library...but even so ppl go there to study...even if they gossip...it would b in mandarin..today sumone who juz finished the exams came to the library n taunted us...ok tat sumone iz female...my blood was boiling...i was veli veli pissed off...why u ask? it was a joke right? to me it iz not...due to my lack of interaction of females up to form 6...i hav full respect to almost any girl...i will try my best not to hurt, betray or sabotage her...wen she taunted i could do nothing...i nvr did tat even wen i hav 10 days of rest...but even if i did, it was during free time...not wen sumone else iz studying...truth be told, i hav no time to rest at all...my last programming project took most of my time...it was hard doing tat...the incidents tat happened around me doesnt make things any easier...so i hate tat girl now...the one who taunted me juz now...i nvr expected her to do so...in my eyes she was a decent girl...notice the word 'was'...now...ceh...disgusting...to commit such a childish act...it was aledi hard to do my best n hold on for so long...i was aledi tired...n she juz had to laugh at me from a faraway place...haihz...the loneliness iz biting harder everyday at my heart...almost crashed my motor a few times today as well...i really wanted to talk to a few ppl...sumhow i felt they were the onli one i can connect to...or at least they hav not hurt me...i can juz complain bout my life...but they hav no obligation to talk to me nia...they are...after all...not really a fren i guess....even though they hav reassured me tat v r frens...but not at a high lvl loh...more than juz hostel mates...but sumthing less than a true fren...my frenship wif them...iz not as strong as their frenship wif other ppl...they dun hav a lot of time for me...how can i get ppl to be wif me? izzit a problem at my side?...sumtimes they dun get on9...even if they did, sum wont message me or mayb itz juz the stupid connection preventing them from doing so...hahaha i m defending other ppl again...they deserve the benefit of a doubt though...the connection iz really tat bad...so wen i cant get to them on9 do i sms them frequently? they got their own life n their own frens...bothering them juz for my own selfish purposes? my consciousness dont let me do sumthing like tat nia...izzit a stupid way of thinking? shud i put more priority over myself? hahaha...why bother thinking for others wen none think of u right?...melancholy...the hatred n anger a few days ago turned to bitterness n disappointment...izzit tat juz bcoz they r the popular group so i hav to ignore my own true feelings, be patient n juz smile wen they drive a knife through me?...all the fun things onli occur around them...i hav thinked about wat others tat r not wif the popular group do most of the time? they hang out wif coursemates...hm...my coursemates all not staying in UKM de...next...they go back home during weekends...my home in ipoh...how to go back home every week?...but even if i go back home i think i will oso feel lonely...i wana b wif ppl...ppl tat i like...mayb i m too greedy...to be wif ppl tat i enjoy being wif...hahaha...i guess i shud go sleep now aledi nia...dunno wat i m talking about aledi...blur blur...almost 4 am liao...everyday oso like tis...no supper today oso...haihz...life iz indeed difficult...next sem gona b more cham...more terrible...there will b more suffering...PKK stuff...i hate it...wana cry de...no...not wana cry...dunno how to describe tis feeling...hopelessness...?

16/11/2007

Hm...a day after the emotional outburst...hahaha learnt one thing...punching the wall helps...managed to calm me down...but veli painful loh...physically =_=..today iz a veli bad day...lack of sleep...severe lack of sleep...no thanx to sum inconsiderate ppl who make noise...sum even put firecrackers...i was veli bad tempered the whole day...punched the wall again...wat can i do? scold ppl ah? we live in the same place...haihz...to think i need to spend another sem in tis place...cant even study properly...time iz getting short...if i got the money i would hav moved to the senior block instead...wif the money i can go get myself a private wireless connection...at least at the senior block no one to disturb me...in a bad way of course...but even if i live here...how many ppl actually knocked on my door to chat? juniors mostly surprisingly...then today i take back my words from first year...'in UKM, u will nvr supper alone'...today i juz did...not exactly alone but i did went out alone...once there was lucky enuf to find sum 'free' coursemates...didnt sit together though but one of them actually came over to chat a bit...tis iz fren loh...too bad he staying outside...then later he returned to his housemates...oh yeah...by 'free' i mean single n available...got summore wif their partners...n tonight got a lot of girls nia...duno why...i think got at least 2 tables full wif pretty girls onli...no boys...hahaha...luckily i my hair didnt look tat bad...hopefully....as i was waiting for my order to come...i checked around...got a lot of couples nia...i like to see wen the girl will laugh while watching the movie then juz purposely look at her bf...then oso got one couple who juz arrived holding hands then the group aledi sitting there were pointing fingers...hahaha the couple juz blushed a bit n joked around....the girl was smiling widely...well after i finished my business i went back n tried to finish up my revision...was behind schedule nia...i hav lived my life totally alone in the hostel...onli talking to sum ppl occasionally onli..but even then oso dun feel tat comfortable...tat one special case...normally juz say hi...tatz all...most of the ppl tat r active...erm meaning tat actually get out from their rooms...they r involved wif the incident sumhow...so i dun hav much options left...the juniors r in a world of their own...juz now even in the library as i was sitting by the side...not many ppl went over n messed wif me...mayb it was bcoz i dun look too frenly...well i was cranky...but even then oso i know tat i can nvr fit into their group...as they chatted away i dun know wat they say...coz they were talking in mandarin...i m the odd one here...i went for lunch alone, dinner alone...n now even supper alone...sumthing tat i tot will nvr happen...hahaha n i tot i was making progress wif my social life tis sem...i think i hav taken a step backwards instead...retreated further...i guess the onli thing i can hold on to iz the story of an anime character...her family was killed wen she was 8...the last words from a close fren of hers b4 his death 'no one iz borned to be alone in tis world...go n find your nakama!!'...erm nakama in japanese means sumthing like a mix of friend n comrade...a relationship deeper than juz a normal friend but not as formal as a comrade...so she travelled the world alone being hunted by the government...ppl everywhere betrayed her for the reward money issued...she trusted no one...20 years later, at 28 years old now a stunning beauty she found a group...she wasnt tat sure at first but decided to juz stick around since she got nowhere to go...later the government finally caught up to her...then tat same group decided to oppose the government juz to save her...finally she realized she iz not alone in tis world anymore...wen supporters of their cause said they juz destroyed part of the government's elite forces...the leader of the group replied 'we were juz taking back our nakama'...one day i will find my group...one day...at least i m not yet 28...hehehe...good things will come to those who wait? hopefully...but i m not the kind of person wif a lot of patience nia...

15/11/2007

Another day passed by...today whole day oso feel tired nia...at least got study a bit...whew...tis time i got a lot to say oso...but i think i will go on wif the small issues first...how come no one goes supper anymore? Juz now i was chatting wif a fren regarding tis..compared wif our first year, first sem tis time the supper frequencies r pathetic...wat the hell actually happened? Even among the seniors there r cracks tis year...everyone not so close anymore...everything iz changing...so far i dun think i hav really said no to supper without a valid reason b4....n by supper i mean going OUT of UKM to eat...going to neighbouring hostels n eating their food doesnt count..at least for me...i dun like their food as well as the others...i hav onli rejected supper due to morning classes the next day...now there r no more classes...but ppl wana study nia...ok loh...but wen u say no mood...sumhow i dun really comprehend...i tot no mood onli go out for a spin, chat n laugh...try to relax a little n escape from yur worries for a while...mayb ppl dun view supper like i do...how many nights hav i been trying to sleep wif a near-empty stomach...cheezels or biscuits could onli hold a bit nia...n i dun think i need to diet...wen feel hungry juz eat loh...but eating alone...even in supper? i hav been eating alone for lunch n dinner...i dun wana b alone even in supper nia...luckily today got sum company for dinner though...hm...alone...tis time i wont say how terrible i feel nia...i know there r ppl out there who suffered worse than i do...mayb they lost frens in a war or disease or sumthing...i got no one to lose to begin with...no tat i wana lose anyone...i oso dunno wat i talking about de...to hav n lose it iz worse than to not hav it at all? i kenot really answer tat question...i think it all depends on how u think or view things nia...ok..time for the next one nia...tis one...i think will connect wif a lot of things nia...sumtime ago i was trying to hint a bit to sumone about the blog...but i nvr expect tat the person would be so respectful of my privacy n did not ask anything about it...i respect tat...i wouldnt hav known earlier...i juz tot tat perhaps we can b frens again...as a lot of stuff happened between both of us b4...then now almost 1 sem of minimal contact...n both of us oso kinda lonely n isolated...except tat the person got a partner de...ok, put tat aside, the thing iz there r other ppl who overheard me talking bout the blog n started to ask around...tis iz putting a burden to those who knew bout tis blog aledi...haihz...if they could get watever they know about me in the blog then they dun need to talk to me anymore liao loh...itz not like they will talk bout the things in tis blog wif me...furthermore i heard tat sum of the ppl related to the incident a week oso wana peek inside my thoughts...i wont blame any of u if u decided to tell them...juz dun like spread it around...if they ask n u feel they need to know...then give them lah...if i feel the need i will juz start another blog sumwhere i guess...so...the following part iz about the incident last week...i think i didnt really list down all my reasons for my anger nia...n yes...the feelings still reside in me...there is no way i can forget it in so short time especially wen entertainment, fun n frens are in such rare quantity...juz seeing any of u...will remind me of exactly how i felt last week...tat day...the rest of us who r worried for the absence of sum ppl waited for a long time...v seriously tot they forgot bout the time, got lost or sumthing...1 hour+ i think...on top of tat, i was hit by a stomachache...as tat it was getting late n the shops r closing...it wouldnt be surprising to find the toilets locked...so i juz tried my best to keep it in...why didnt i go to the ktm station toilet then? It was the last train...if it suddenly went crazy n arrived earlier while i m still in there then how? wat the others shud do? wait for me or get on the last train? if u dare guarantee tat the train will onli b later than the scheduled time then nothing else i can say...i juz heard tat one of the fellas waiting wif us mentioned tat the train sumtimes will arrive early....u know how humiliating it will b if me, sumone approaching the age of 21, soiled his pants? i m going to ride a ktm back home...how will i smell in such a small place? not to mention tat all of our worries...our sincere care for their sake n safety were wasted wen later it was revealed they got back on an earlier train to prepare for a party tat i missed later...sure they messaged me tat there iz gona b a party n dun tell the celebrated one wen they left us during dinner...n by tat i tot they were shopping for goods...they said they were buying sumthing wen one of us ask them...ask anyone out there if they would hav known by tat message wat the main plans r...but even if i knew...how can i leave those who were sincerely waiting for them? i dunno lah...wat shud i hav done?...i hold in a stomachache, i wasted more than an hour juz to find out tat i hav been brushed aside again...i cant even sit during the ktm trip back to UKM...we even had to wait for a second round of taxis to take us back to the hostel...wen the taxi arrived i dashed for the toilet...sumhow i felt i got talked bout the rest of the story b4 but i will continue juz in case...after tat i went to take a bath as well..took around 30 minutes nia...came back to my room to see my hp wif 3 missed calls i think...then it rang again...i looked for my headphone...i tot i told the caller that my hp iz busted b4...he hang up...then i smsed wassup? he replied a while later...'nothing liao. end joh.'...so i asked...wat end joh?...'bday party'...i was devastated then...no one asked bout where i m, no one waited for me...i m sure got ppl inform tat i was suffering from a stomachache..i dunno how to react de...still holding the hp in my hand i watched sum ppl play badminton...then they oso finish their game...i juz sit in my room...soon after...a bigger blow came...those fellas tat i was watching them play badminton...they went for the party after taking a bath...no one told me the party was still on...no one smsed...later wen i checked in frenster for pictures...there were so many ppl...none of them cared for me...hatred iz all i hav now...n they were smiling in the pictures as well...no one knew how i felt back in my room...no one could possibly understand...'end liao'...will u go even after receiving a message like tat?...i dun care if any of u forget bout my bday...it iz expected aledi...but how can u make me missed sumone's bday party instead? Mayb sum of them know i m not around for a reason but wat about the others? wat will they think?...izzit really tat no one asked where i m?...so my image in their minds iz tat of a cold n introverted person?...tat i dun even bother coming to a bday party of sumone i knew?...I WANTED TO COME dammit...i cant even wish the person face to face wen i could hav...no point sms a message aledi loh...now how m i supposed to sleep wen i m so angry now...honestly i was hoping for the day wen sum of u wana confront me bout wat i wan or wat i feel...then i can juz blow up n let everything out...i can cut off our frenship properly as well if needed...like i said in the previous post...it iz my ultimatum...i dont care anymore...today i played dota again even though i juz complained bout it yesterday...but there is nothing much i can do to relax in the hostel...i dun hav frens to chat wif..n i m lazy to study...i m contradicting myself...izzit acceptable to say tat the person who accompanied me to dinner wanted to play dota so i juz joined in?...to force me to go back on my words...all tis anger n hatred...wat can i do about it? punch the wall? throw the chair? cry in my bed? no...it wont work...the pain wont go away...i juz wan sumone to lean on...sumone to understand...sumone to help me...sumone to stop me from falling deeper...sumone to care for me...sumone...sumone to talk wif.

14/11/2007

I oso dunno wat to say aledi...wat kind of a day iz today...dunno how to describe...sad, boring, pointless...in the end itz a very negative day hahaha...yesterday couldnt blog again...the net iz down...the paper was average...almost didnt have enough time to finish it...but as always even if u give me another day to study i would hav done no better...i dun really remember how the rest of the day went...juz tat at night i was back to my old self again...i played dota wif sum ppl...i shouldnt even hav played in the first place...i shud hav noticed i wasnt welcomed to play...in the end my temper got the better of me...i guess i still cant accept tat there r such simple ppl or tat other ppl think so differently from me...mayb i m juz too self-centered...tat my way of thinking iz the correct way to go? Look at wat it has done to me as well as the ppl around me...i dunno who to blame de...izzit due to myself? Tat most of everything tat happened iz due to myself? Izzit really true tat sum things dont really matter or iz not such a big problem?...b4 going to tat i juz wana say being in the dota champion team has put such big pressure in every game tat i played...everyone iz expecting me to perform well...tat i m the 'professional'...if i did badly they will tease n talk a lot of bad things...i m oso a human...they r expecting me to win in every game tat i play wif any teammates...therefore i took it too seriously...i always take every game seriously...i yell at ppl tat made me lose the game...coz the pressure iz not on them...ppl aledi know them as 'noobs' or inexperienced players...them losing iz acceptable...i dun really know the meaning of playing for fun aledi...sumtimes i wonder...was it the wrong thing to do? to participate in the tournament?...would it hav been better if i remain an unknown?...sum ppl r veli proud wen they kill my hero in the game...izzit tat i cannot be killed by normal means ah?...i dunno lah...furthermore i hold time more closely than a lot of things in my life...time passed by once in yur life onli...even if i hav 100 more years to go, i kenot turn back time..i m growing older everyday...a lot of opportunities flew past me everyday as well...the game yesterday cost me an hour...so i used an hour in my life juz to let ppl win?...itz not even a tough match...there r certain matches where even if u lose, u lose wif a smile...u lose wif respect to other ppl....but i onli feel disgust...an hour i can do so much...part of my anger iz tat i should hav known better than to play...but the situation at tat time...if onli i could record it down...i was juz sitting there minding my own business wen one of them juz jumped on the bed n say he didnt wana play...i was the onli one goyang there...i fell for the trap =_=...in tat hour i could hav done a lot of things...things tat would hav made me happy instead...even juz lying on my bed listening to music n kacau sum ppl using sms iz better than tis....ok...now for the main point...sum ppl still dun get why i m so angry wif the incident regarding a missed bday party...the truth iz i kenot celebrate it wif the person again...next sem i go LI liao loh...n then itz different...i hav missed the person's bday party as of 2007...even if i celebrate wif the person later, or next year assuming i made it back sumhow during LI...it wouldnt be the same...the same ppl, the same environment...everyone will b different then...everything will not b the same...tat memory i can nvr hold in my heart...tis iz the extent tat i view things in my life...everything tat happens...i hold it closer 10 times more than anyone i know...if it hurts it hurts 10 times more...if it makes me happy, i will truly b happy...but i will remember it all...life is so short...none of my frens sticked around for more than 3 years before...i hav to cherish all the time i hav wif them...v dunno wen any1 of us will b gone due to unforeseen circumstances....tis is onli one of the reasons i m so angry wif the incident anyway...i think i covered the rest of the reasons in a previous post...if i can nvr fit in to any group...if it will onli brings me pain...if trusting sumone will onli bring disappointment...then forget it...i will live my life alone if i hav to...tis is my ultimatum.

12/11/2007

Wah...aledi monday liao...hahaha...actually now iz still sunday midnight...the internet connection iz busted again..sien...i m currently blogging in the library...feeling kinda hungry...the dinner wasnt tat filling...mayb i juz hav a gigantic appetite...hahaha...now onwards to sumthing i wanted to say since yesterday...the same feeling not so long ago came back...ok i need to start from the beginning i guess...i liked a girl in tis uni since the middle of tis sem...i wrote tis down in the frenster blog b4...i knew her for a while aledi but didnt hav any feelings until i saw...or perhaps felt sumthing one day tat totally changed my view n opinion of her...but i oso know sumone else loved her earlier than i did...perhaps even more than me at tat time...the feelings during tat time was hard to bear but i juz havto let it go...i cant do anything...i hav accepted the fact tat i cant b wif her but i still liked her...i wasnt tat sure of my feelings yet..so kept on using the word 'like' instead...perhaps i juz view her as a good fren to be wif or a sister??..however i do feel envy as well as joy around her...hahaha to think tat i could love sumone again was kinda great...even though it wont be a fairytale ending but it was enuf for me at tat time...but even so i realised i was getting kinda attached to her de...so i wanted to pull away...a lot of things were storming through my mind...events happening around me in the hostel as well my projects n assignments made things worse...i tried to persevere as best i could...i was driven close to breaking down numerous times...was involved in an accident as well...the stress, the pressure...everything rained down on me...tears couldnt even form fast enuf to wash away my sadness b4 more things happened...finally it was study week break..i can go back my home for the first time tis sem...to b away from everything...i tot i could totally wipe her away from my mind as her relationship wif another guy grew stronger everyday...i had similar experience wif sumone else b4 so i guess i could handle it nia...as i went back uni...feelings still there but not as strong joh...it was good i guess..but i cant even sustain any relationship wif her anymore as we grew more distant from each other...i dun even know how to talk to her anymore...mayb itz best not to bother her nia...well a lot of things happened n days passed...then i watched the movie 'Stardust'...in the movie i fell in love wif 'Yvaine'...after watching it i tot i liked the actress n searched for her details n pictures but...i realised i wasnt...i juz simple liked the character...she showed me how love iz supposed to be...n i think tat my love for the girl iz not so strong if a comparison was made...even though itz juz a movie, but wen sumone can think of it then it means it iz indeed possible...at least the writer of the script view love between 2 ppl shud be like tat...n i agree as well...if i pursued her last time wen i had the chance i dun think i can reach the lvl of tristan n yvaine...hm...how shud i say it more clearly...i feel tat if i watched the movie wif her, i would hav felt envy of the love between tristan n yvaine...understand mah??...i think i would hav wished tat i could hav found sumone like yvaine instead...YEAH!! tatz the correct way of putting it...i m not really compatible wif her even though i understand a bit bout her...she iz a city girl while i m a country boy...she eats in expensive restaurants while i think i ate in Secret Recipe once onli so far...i cannot give her the happiness tat she wants from the relationship nor can i feel the joy of being wif her...mayb comparing real-world ppl to movies iz bad eh?...one day i will find my star...sumone tat no one else can substitute...or i would rather be alone perhaps...i dun wana force myself to accept anyone...love in desperation or loneliness onli ends in sadness for both sides...i think tis time i was desperate for sumone...well it iz a valuable lesson...hopefully there will b more movies like 'Stardust' to remind me of my true feelings as well as how love iz supposed to be...sounds naive? juz let me be...wakakakaka....now juz like b4...
the feelings u had for me i will return it all in due time,
while the feelings i had for u iz gone, washed by the rain, blown by the wind,
therefore as of now, as of tis moment, i love u no more.

wah....feels great after saying tis all out...tis kinda stuff needs to b put in a blog...telling ppl juz doesnt feel right...i need to add another thing onto my necklace to remember tis...even if itz not to remember her, it iz to remember bout yvaine...i will compare how i felt towards having sumone like yvaine by my side wif any future interest nia~~...tis iz my decision...i will not regret it even if i hav to graduate without anyone special by my side...but graduating alone or not iz another story altogether...i will leave it to another day lah~~ hehehe....tomolo exam at 3.30pm nia...

10/11/2007

Another day has passed me by...didnt really do anything productive today...juz studied a bit..nothing really happened today as well...most of the day spent in room...but sumhow the mood today was kinda bad...didnt really lash out at others though...but i was swearing mentally...hahaha...to the on lying in bed having a fever right now...hope u get well soon nia...one of the worse things tat could happen to a student iz getting sick during exam season...dun rush things...it might get worse...wait till u get better nia...wonder wat got to u...u were still running around a few days earlier...if ppl say pressure or depression then i shud b the one lying down not u ler...hahaha...ok ok it was a bad joke...i guess itz no surprise tat ppl will wonder how come i care so much? itz not like u r available or anything...n surely i understand tat right? yeah...i guess so..i hav no intention of doing stuff of tat kind...itz juz tat i hav no one else to care about...tatz one way to put it...or perhaps i will act the same if i could towards others wen they fall sick?? dun really know for now...but i juz follow wat my heart says wif a bit of thinking...heart says help...brain thinks how loh...wakakaka...last time wen i was involved in an accident...finally i can come up wif a great excuse...even if i told u...wat can u do to help me? in the end i will onli make u worry bout me...hahaha..the most u can do iz wish i will get well soon...not tat i dun appreciate it but i know none of u will wish me otherwise right? so without u all saying anything i myself will think tat everyone is waiting for me to get back up....mayb i m juz lying to myself T_T....ok ok no more negative thoughts...time to go sleep loh...wat a boring friday...haihz..pasar mlm back in ipoh nia...tonight no supper oso...wonder if the stars r shining brightly?? hehehe...

9/11/2007

Hm...another day has ended...today iz considered to b a great day de....got off to a routine start loh...wake up then went on9...kacau around for a bit b4 going to eat...after eating came back kacau ppl more...didnt really wana study...but i shud b starting de...hahaha...then sumone invited me over as company...i gladly agreed as i cant study in my room...but dun wana go library as it iz smelly...the air-conditioning busted...went there n talked a bit b4 proceeding to mind own business...she got her report i got my reading to do...midway through sumone came in...later on after 2 hour i almost settle my reading..at least for the evening..cant study continously for too long...i was juz sitting there idly then onli i realized the true situation i m in...a guy n a girl in a place...hahaha....didnt really think of it tat way wen i first arrived earlier...well there iz nothing between me n her...at least for me i think there iz nothing...i dun think i really give any positive hints...i dun really find her frequently...tis time i juz tot i wana hav a break from everyone n i havent really chat wif her for a long time de...so there goes my evening...then went for dinner not long afterwards...after tat played sum game n went to eat tong yuan...hm...i m not really a fan of tong yuan...but eat for fun i guess...furthermore a lot of ppl there nia...went there sat near a corner wif a fren or 2 n chatted away...ignorant to everything tat happened a few days ago...dun wana involve innocent bystanders...after tat a lot of ppl left...sum went to study...sum hav better things to do it seems...onli a few seniors remain...sum of the continued to chat wif juniors while i talked bout the good old days wif another fellow senior...we talked bout how everyone used to b more frenly n outgoing...where v rule the foyer...how 3-4 ppl grew to a crowd... how v can chat for hours...now no more liao loh..the bonds between us seemed so thin aledi...haihz...at least i can find sumone tat share the same view nia...later on a fren staying outside came nia...actually i asked him to come earlier de...i dun think anyone else would hav tot of informing him...like i said...the bonds r growing thinner day by day...once he came, the talking went up several lvls...in the end onli 3 of us left...still v continued to talk n laugh..it has been a long time since i laughed like tat nia...where every joke landed at the right spot...then it was time to go supper...tatz the best part de...along the trip we still talked crap...once we arrived...i was really glad wen one of them asked bout the events tat happened 2 days ago...i got to talk n they gave neutral comments...they were understanding...hahaha v even discussed bout how to hold a stomachache...in the end...one word juz mattered...'so u muz be feeling kinda isolated'...walao...the sword in my heart juz got pulled out...everything lifted...tonight wen i stare up the stars it was the same view...but wif a different feeling...amidst all the jokes there were a certain amount of seriousness but then it ended wif talking rubbish again...tis iz the kind of ppl i wana spend time wif...laughter was nvr in short supply...can talk serious stuff as well as funny stuff...i told them it was like i m living outside even though i m still in the hostel...hahaha...anyway we kept on n on bout other things...finally wen v r tired de decided to go back loh...as a wave goodbye i entered wen can i experience stuff like tis again...hav been talking n laughing for almost 5 hours...thrown studies n projects out the window...but today iz enuf to keep me going hopefully till the end of the sem...then mayb can do tis once more b4 going back to our respective hometown n prepare for second sem~~...hehehe...

8/11/2007

Finally most of my current project finish liao...functional de...error checking oso mostly done i guess...and yet there iz no happiness or joy...no sense of closure or freedom...today iz the aftermath of yesterday...the feelings still burn inside of me...at least sum misunderstanding hav been cleared regarding innocent bystanders...so now i understand more who to hate aledi...muahahaha...juz joking lah...ask yurself..do i look like tis kind of person mah??...haihz...no one to celebrate wif, no one to go supper wif...no one who understands how much effort i put into the project...coursemates? tis project iz like competition between everyone nia...who does the best will score the highest n the rest will b judged based on tat standard...i dun think i shud juz go around n tell them i hav finished...first of all, it would b like bragging...secondly, it serves me no purpose of doing so...i cant let them copy...if they know i finish de sure ask one...now alone in my room listening to the rain drops fall down...all alone...not many ppl r on9..at least those i m hoping to see are not...who else do i hav in UKM anywayz...not juz in UKM...in my life...all tis while i m juz holding on to memories of ppl nia...right now...right here...i hav no one...i know my family will always b there for me...but i dun think they can help wif my situation...even if they wana give advice oso hard leh coz they dunno or dun understand entirely...i got no frens...no partners..not even an ex-girlfren...perhaps there r ppl willing to listen or willing to help...but the situation denies them the capability...for instance, they cant go on9...perhaps u might wonder why i nvr sms or call...well the same reason why most ppl nvr sms or call me i guess...dun wana bother ppl gua...however i m always hoping tat ppl will sms me...no one ever called me to chat b4 i think...my frenship wif everybody iz not tat strong...i think there iz no 'bother' between frens? how hard izzit to reply? how much does it cost to reply an sms? wan me to pay u to reply me mah?? hahahaha...tis few words bring back a lot of terrible memories...as for me i state here n now...unless my phone iz destroyed, i dun hav credit, i m occupied or away from my phone i will always reply...back to the main point...well being on9 shows tat u r free n available to talk i guess...tatz why ppl normally chat on9...but sum ppl r terrible in the way tat they lie bout their status...sum put bz wen they r not...as for me, i seldom forget bout changing my status except i was in a hurry...wen it shows i m on9 means i m on9...wen it shows i m bz means i m bz..wen it shows i m away means i m away...easy to understand right?...but i guess they hav their own reasons...i m subconsciously defending them even now...argh...how many ppl is as kind in a stupid way as i m?...i guess itz a self-defence mechanism...i try to convince myself tat the ppl around me iz not as bad as i think they r....i think i m going to go crazy nia...i feel sorry for myself...the person who said tat happy things will happen tomorrow obviously forgot bout the possibility tat things will get worse as well...a new dawn, a new hope...wat if yur hopes get smashed most of the time?...2 more weeks till i can go back home...wat then? will it b better? a month...then second sem liao...i cant even imagine how second sem will b like...

7/11/07

Wheee...today iz a meaningful day nia...didnt do much of my project...but went to watch Stardust nia at midvalley wif a group of frens!!!...Yvaine iz so beautiful!! the story iz so good!! funny n nice!!..the romance part iz great!! Hahahah...a few years ago i dunno how to appreciate romance yet nia...coz i nvr experienced love or dunno the definition of love yet...now after a lot i feel i can understand a part of it de...but i still havent been in a relationship b4 nia...love sumone got lah...anywayz i will remember the story as long as i could...but so many great movies r coming out...tis sem break i m gona stock up on dvds...now my home finally got dvd player nia..last time rely on my old ps2 as well as my laptop...if possible i wana watch Stardust again...let it remind me bout the beauty of love once more...n see Yvaine in action again~~..her smile, her hair...brilliant gold!! so straight n soft...if i could run my fingers through such hair...if she would cut it..i dun even wana imagine...so hard to grow it so long nia!!!...now i think i know the problem wif my hair de...itz not soft enuf...tatz y itz always out of control...no need to do rebonding lah...let me try making my hair soft n manageable first...hehehe...all the good stuff iz over..now to the bad...i missed out on an event de...so many ppl aledi know my phone iz not in perfect condition yet they call me...sum knew i had sumthing else to do but nvr spoke up...n finally they decided to keep things from me wen they know it will hurt me more...but the fact iz...by u keeping...u think i would hav felt better? especially wen i know the truth?...u think u r making things better?...nvr heard of 'better late than never?'...if i rejected u myself then u nvr mind lah...wen things r actually getting better...the peace always get shattered...now i dunno how to feel anymore...i m writing tis wif a surprisingly calm emotion...i guess tis was bcoz my plans were too perfect? i wanted to distance myself from tis group...the group tat hurts me over n over again...so now itz tat effective tat no one cares bout me anymore...i m not needed anywhere, my presence iz not important...no more frens...juz sumone tat lives in the same hostel...everyone...if u hav taken tis step...if u really dun wana care for me anymore...stop giving me hope...stop acting as though u regret wen u obviously dont...u r like healing an injury juz to stab at it again...u know how despicable n low tat tactic iz? why dont u juz end it once n for all?...try telling the girl u love...tat u love her then throw her aside...moments later u said u were juz kidding then u said gimme a chance...the girl loves u...so one more chance...then u throw her away again...over n over again she accepted u n u denied her...u think tatz veli bad right? think bout yurselves...to even b associated wif ppl like tis...ceh....today i hav experienced the joys of being single as well as the joys if i found my partner...by being single, i can admire the beauty of others as well as experience various love stories so tat i can b a better lover perhaps? hehe...by being wif a partner, u can share so many things...n u know (in my case) she wont ever betray u....hopefully lah...hahaha...she will b there to comfort u, to share yur happiness, to walk wif u...how come tonight no stars shining geh? hehehe....

6/11/2007

Ok i wana break the habit of sleeping after 4am....now iz onli 2.30..hehehe will go sleep soon..today iz a bad day...i m kinda tired...but not sleepy...kenot concentrate on my work either...so didnt do much...if i m sleepy i could hav slept..but i dun feel sleepy...so i tried doing my work...coz the project iz due during one of my papers...havto finish earlier...didnt do much as well...one whole day waste joh...haihz..there goes my 1 day of rest i planned earlier...coz i was planning to finish the project in 5 days, do revision for 4 days while play 1 day...nvr mind lah...think of it as money saved i guess...watz the difference of watching a movie in midvalley alone n watchin the movie later through dvd??....timelength i guess...it will b long b4 they release a dvd wif good quality...argh!!! feel veli sien now...veli stressed...veli terrible...juz now chat wif a senior who graduated tis year...she talked bout memories...then i thought of a cool quote...here goes : memories are entries in a diary titled 'Life'...but as she talked more on the topic i started to feel uncomfortable...dunno why...mayb i disagree wif her point of view? Memories...to me are events in yur life tat made a mark in yur existence...it influenced u sumhow...consists of moments...a small time frame in yur life tat either makes u happy or sad in general...can b recalled through momentos...items tat happen to b around wen the memory was made...hahaha...tat definition of momento i take from an anime de...seems veli true n meaningful...mayb my own definition iz wrong...wat are memories? wat are my memories? she kept on saying bout those events tat will make u smile wen u think about it later...sure...i got a lot...but most of it end in sadness...back in primary school i got a group of frens so close we did a lot of things together...we did stupid things as well as meaningful things...we made nicknames for each other...but it all ended in a tearful farewell wen 1 from the group hav to follow his family elsewhere...then all of us went our separate ways...sum joined gangsters...sum went to other states to pursue a job as they think studying iz a waste of time...then i was left wif a new group of frens...separated wif sum after form 3...didnt really hav a reunion or anything...all hav new gangs in form 4 de...juz said hi occasionally...in form 5 separation again...those successful in studies went overseas...while sum of us stayed behind...form 6 new group nia...a lot of things happen...all of us grow up de...feelings...negative feelings r formed among all of us...jealousy, betrayal, pride...all of tis were unheard of wen v r younger...i was tired of tis lifestyle aledi loh...no true frens...so in form 6 didnt bother much wif other ppl...onli mix wif a few...then there were females...i nvr really mixed wif girls b4...even in tuition..after i find out tat they onli talk to me wen they wana copy...tat i m onli useful as an answer sheet...tat happened in form 4? forgot liao..those things i rather not remember so clearly...i can talk whole night but it iz almost 3 de loh...i better stop here...she claimed tat if i wan my life to change...to b better..i hav to change first...my way of thinking hav to change...hahaha...wat do u think?...i was nvr really in control of my life...even if i tried...i think i cannot sustain past frenships...even if i dun get a new group or forget bout old frens...i cant say tat those old frens nvr get a new group of their own...oh yeah...forgot to say tat onli 2-3 of my schoolmates stay near me...SCHOOLMATES..not classmates...i kenot yumcha wif them, i kenot play basketball wif them etc...ok loh..i better stop here...

5/11/2007

Urgh....nowadays always sleep after 4am de =_=...my health will surely suffer...but i feel the best in the middle of the night...peaceful n cool...juz now went supper...including me 3 ppl onli...one of them a fren i havent really chat wif for quite sum time de...the sky was clear...the rain juz stopped not tat long ago...air was cool..the stars was visible...i guess onli i will appreciate tis kind of things...during supper i found out tat everyone iz changing...or mayb i m still too naive about the real world...now a lot of ppl r focusing on earning money...even though still studying...sum do part time jobs...a lot r interested in marketing, insurance, or investments aledi...haihz...mayb i m having an easy life tat i do not need to worry such things right now?...i dunno ler...but i dun like it...the way everyone iz changing...the days where v r carefree...izzit gone forever? no point lying in an empty field enjoying the wind by myself...wonder wat the future holds? after supper on my way back i was greeted by a swarm of bugs!! flying around the street lights was hundreds or thousands of them...as i ride through a lot of it banged into my bike n helmet...luckily none on my face..it was scary...like those horror movies...i kept looking at my side mirror to see if any of it followed me...and yeah i was alone coz i need to buy snacks at 7-11...so they went back first...n the road was veli quiet...no other vehicles...hahaha...today...hm...did sum work...i guess itz progress but not fast enuf ler...but i will do more tomolo...i think i m getting sick of playing games de...almost everyday a few rounds...if i m tired of doing work mayb i will juz lie around or take a walk or sumthing...today didnt go to the library to do work nia...juz didnt feel like it i guess...bringing my laptop up n down...furthermore i wont b spending tat much time in the library...itz boring doing work like tat...if study ok lah....need to concentrate...i like to play n work at the same time....work n study not the same hehehe....n i hav no one to discuss or chat wif anyways...no coursemates or anything...itz a fact lah...i m not being depressed bout it so no worries...everyone who goes there r studying...if i wana find ppl to chat i better sit in room n go on9...however i think itz also the same...exam season nia...how many ppl behave like me? as if not exam...hahaha...but i do wish i hav sumone i can talk to anytime...like now...4 sumthing in the morning...hm...it would b nice to chat wif a girl whole night even if using sms onli...well i can keep on dreaming cant i? n i wont accept those not s/a nia...no 'feel'..hahaha...even if itz ok wif u n yur partner, i myself dun like it...earlier actually i was asking around for ppl to eat supper de...one fella said dun wan i think...wat does 'i think no lo' mean to u?...then later he said 1am can go...i felt he was trying to readjust his tight schedule for me...i shud hav known better...or mayb he had other motives..hm...like setting me up...coz i m not tat close wif the group anymore...mayb he iz trying to get everyone together? last time during supper he juz drank teh ais i think...he got no intent of eating..he juz went bcoz sumone ask him to...so later i juz say nvr mind de...juz asking for fun...our frenship...wasnt tat strong to begin wif...i did everything i could..i was desperate to get accepted into the group...but in the end i juz hurt myself...n i know tat bonds formed in haste will oso b broken just as quickly...so i wana forget about it...let things be lah...i wont die...no one will...sumthings kenot be forced...hahaha...mayb can remain as casual frens where v share a laugh once in a while or sms a bit...a true fren? itz too late for tat....second year first sem almost finish loh...to those who find a good fren since first year first sem n still going strong now...cherish him/her...appreciate him/her...not everyone iz as lucky to hav one...oh yeah...if u feel tat sumone hav a misunderstanding of the my current situation or emotion u can give the address of tis blog if tat sumone dunno how to ask me...of course i would prefer they ask me as i can explain it more clearly...but i know i m not tat approachable sumtimes...got ppl saying tat since secondary skool...but onli give the address as a last resort...u can copy the whole thing in a word document then send nia~~ hahaha...okloh...5 am oso come liao loh...i still got lots of things to say...n i m afraid tat i will forget...but if i could think of it now...mayb i can think of it tomolo nia..bb~~

4/11/2007

Wheeee....play almost 2 days de looo...after the paper on friday i got 10 days of rest...b4 i carry on...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!...ok back to the point...i still got my project due 19th nov...gotta get it started de...tomolo iz sunday...i think i will try my best tomolo...haihz..cant say the paper on friday was good...in fact the tips were all wrong...hahaha...but at least i know i hav done all tat i could...even if i spend more time reading the day or few days b4, i dun think i can improve a lot nia...at least i m convincing myself to think like tat...so dun feel tat terrible...if got sumone comfort me like tat then sure 100% ok de now...hehehe...haihz...actually i wana go play more nia....but after chatting wif a few ppl i find out tat i m considered lazy de...a coursemate finished part of the project aledi...n sum ppl i know iz studying hard even though their paper almost as far away as mine...mayb different course requirements? as usual my memory iz not tat good nia...i m considered lucky tat my course dun really require me to memorise a lot of facts...especially facts tat i m not interested in...if i landed in sum chemistry related course i would b failing my subjects instead of it being B and above...there r ppl who study for themselves n there r ppl who study for others...i m in the second category...i study for others...i study to make my parents happy...n later wen i graduate land a better job to financially support my parents n future family...i study to not lose to my frens...but i know now certain courses r easier to score compared to others...so i guess really kenot compare...but even if i do not need to study tat much...perhaps i can b a source of motivation for others as they hav been for me...i will feel kinda uncomfortable wen i see others studying while i juz sit there playing...but mayb they hav their own plans...mayb study hard for now then go play later? will i b a fool for studying as well? i guess not gua...dun think anyone can overprepare for anything...but for now i still follow wat my heart feels along wif wat my brain thinks...if i feel like i wana play, after thinking wat stuff i havent do, i will make my decision...life iz too short...dun wana live wif regrets or thinking bout past possibilities...ok, itz impossible to do tat but i wana minimize it as much as possible...however, life iz not so short until u dun need to think of the future...hehehe...understand mah?? i guess tatz it...gona sleep soon...bb~

2/11/2007

Exam loh!!!! in less than 9 hours...i will b sitting in the exam hall...hm...i guess i hav done everything tat i can today...yesterday night after supper i came back to my room n played a round of dota promising tat i wont play today...the group win wif a big margin...it was fun...sumhow i feel it was back in form 6 again...the confidence...hahaha...i dedicate the victory to all my frens studying hard nia...hope they will do well in their exams...true enuf today i didnt play...onli played king of fighters 2002...tat lasted less than 20 minutes..most of my time today used to study n surfing the net..earlier during lunch i bit my lip!! so pain de...bleeding...swollen a bit as well...later during dinner i m veli afraid tat i will bite it again...hahaha...hm..the rest of the day iz rather normal nia...spent dinner alone...dun really think tat much nowadays...mayb i think till sien de...or iz juz tat in the end the problem comes from myself...if any of u invited me for dinner juz bcoz u read my blog or anything...then rather not...i oso dun like to 'invade'..meaning suddenly invite myself into a dinner group...same goes for inviting me out of pity...after so long i guess the situation juz makes me alone...i find no more reason to blame other ppl de...sum got partners...sum their frenship wif others r much stronger than wif mine...i kenot expect them to think so much of me as i do towards them nia...a strong frenship takes time n tears...nothing will change so quickly within one sem...hm...i guess tatz it...furthermore there r ppl tat their style completely go against mine...juz not compatible i guess...i do not expect any of u to change...coz if it were me, i oso couldnt change lah...itz not tat i hav given up though...there r sumthings tat r better left natural...but there r sumthings tat require a bit of a nudge or even a push to happen...hehehe...content wif my life right now? i cant say tat i hav suffered a lot...i do hav a good family, doing kinda good in my studies....on the other hand i cant really say tat i m truly happy...well...i can juz say tat it iz too early to say anything for sure...hehehee...hope everything iz wat it seems...let there b no more lies or betrayal...but if one can see good n evil so clearly...then one iz aledi similar to a god...i m...no god.

1/11/2007

Hmmm...end of the year de loh...itz 1st November~~~ paper on 2nd =_=...haihz...after studying for a bit still dun really think the stuff iz sticking...sure it gets easier to read...faster even but i m afraid i cant answer during the exams...after a rather bad presentation of a group project i dun think my coarry marks will b any better...juz can hope tat the average iz a bit lower...but wif the bio-informatic third year students scoring such insane marks...anything might happen nia...i cant predict it...i think i better put more effort into my revision tomolo...coz the paper on friday starts at 8.30am...so no time to review it again in the morning...straight to the exam hall..hopefully nothing pops up suddenly tomolo...but even if it did...depends on the event ler...itz 1230 now...i dun think i can study anymore...kinda full de...today...nothing much happened...spent almost the whole afternoon chatting wif ppl...catch up on sum things...oh yeah now i can finally go on9 in room de...but i m still blogging from outside using wireless connection hehe...everyday iz routine...wake up, go wash up n stuff then play games...afternoon go eat lunch...come back play summore or rest a bit...then shud start studying in the evening de...i think tomolo kenot do tat liao loh...see how loh..now i juz wana play sum game...but izzit the correct thing to do? i really m afraid of getting low marks tis friday paper...decisions, decisions...

31/10/2007

So sleepy now oh...juz studied a bit today...for the friday paper...a lot of things to cover...even though read through it 2 times quickly but onli part of it sticks...sumhow i m veli afraid...the onli way i can be sure how i will score would be to sit for the exam...no way i can predict it...furthermore most of us oso dunno bout the scope of the exam...sum say earlier chapters...sum say onli those after midsem...tomolo i will browse through those earlier chapters a bit...need to spend more time on it aledi hahaha...today still play a lot of games in the morning n afternoon...tis morning wake up early again coz lecturer told us to come...the lecturer was late =_=...anyway he came to give us the marks for the final assignment tat v handed in on the 22nd October...i guess he juz marked it quickly...he iz rather generous wif the marks...dunno if v truly deserve it or not...i got a good score as well...but sumthing iz bothering me coz wen i see the total carry marks it iz wrong...mayb he calculated it wrongly?? dunno lah...couldnt care much bout it aledi...the next time it would b my sem grades during the holidays aledi..juz do my best i guess...everyone iz twitchy regarding tis subject...actually most of the subjects r kinda bad...even my programming...urgh...my marks r third in the class wif a B+ mark for midsem...i m the 'connector' between high scorers n average students...hahaha...dunno bout the total carry marks though as still hav a project due 19th november...another headache...haihz....i dun think i can maintain my pointer for tis sem...mayb drop a bit...hopefully juz a bit...my last hope would b scoring an A in 1 major subject...but tat paper iz still far away...if i could nail 1 A...i know i will b ok...coz there iz a high probability tat i will end up wif a B+ in one of the major subjects...tat will pull down stuff a lot...but life iz nvr predictable...mayb my marks will b higher than expected? or lower T_T ...hm....my eyelids getting heavy aledi...juz barely passed 12...didnt really sleep in the afternoon...juz now slept a bit while studying as well...hehehe...disrupted my flow though...wat lese happened today...went to pasar mlm..bought a lot of things...ah...nothing much to talk aledi...but i still wana blog nia...feels nice typing a lot of stuff...weird hor?...i think i shud juz stop b4 i say more weird things again...

30/10/2007

First paper down de...4 more to go...er...average start...coz the paper today i think can onli get B+...A- at best...duno...actually the paper iz one of my chances to get back in the race for dean's list...but now the chances r getting slimmer..perhaps there will be sum surprises in the other subjects? even though i dun like it...but scoring my first year pointer aint tat bad now...3.59..wakakka 0.01 more till dean's list level...wonder how will i graduate? if i could really achieve first class honors then it will b nice...i can make my parents happy, i m happy wif myself n oso gain sum advantage while looking for work...who knows? mayb i will attempt another year? But by then a lot of ppl will b gone...everything will b different...heck things r different everyday...either it gets better or it gets worse...it moves...nvr stands still...today play games whole morning n afternoon to rip my mind away from the exam earlier...to b honest i m not happy wif the exam nia...a lot of mistakes...cost me a lot of marks...marks tat i could hav gained instead...almost lost my appetite for lunch...but went out to eat anyway...played games till evening...grab a nap...continued playing then go dinner wif a junior...nowadays always spend time wif the junior...wonder if he gets bored wif me...dunno lah...oh yeah...forgot bout sumthing yesterday...i chatted a bit wif the ppl running the rice stall where i go lunch frequently..sumhow i feel kinda warm...they r good ppl...haihz...to live my life alone right now...sumhow i m standing between total breakdown n depression n peace...i guess i dun hav time nor the energy to think bout tis stuff now...i guess i finally m able to see their true nature? tat i m not worth being frens wif...mayb tatz the reason why i dun feel tat terrible like i used to...i hav made certain my doubts...sure it hurts to b alone...but not as bad as being hurt by ppl we think of as frens...who iz correct n who iz wrong? m i overreacting? no one can really judge it as every side hav their own story to tell...n their own feelings...sumhow i feel i got nowhere to go to now...back home, my neighbourhood frens hav all changed...sum working, sum not...but all of them r not the same as i remember them...furthermore being separated so long...feelings grew thin...it was not really tat thick to begin wif anyway hahaha...here...i got no one as well...a lot of ppl claim to b my fren..tat they will b there for me...ah...how many times hav i seen or heard those words...if there were any truth in it, i wouldnt be making tis post now would i? hehehe...sum ppl fear me...sum ppl dun like me at all...those sweet words earlier r juz for the moment...itz the correct thing to say?? i dun think so...dun make empty promises n get my hopes up high...i will always reply, i will always b here no matter wat...but if u dun talk to me, i wont talk to u nia...how can friendship b so brittle? if i dun kacau ppl, they dun kacau me de...sumtimes i kacau oso no reply...but i will respond...i guess itz the same as others..mayb i shud kacau ppl instead...but izzit really no one will even try to talk to me wen i m being silent? mayb i m waiting? but...mayb u r waiting as well eh?? hm....sumthing to think about wen i sleep tonight...AHHHH!!!! now onli i remember about it aledi...till now i onli kacau those 'available' ppl nia..'taken' ppl dun wan kacau de...tatz why my contact list so small...forgot bout tis important factor tim...so the onli way iz look downwards? towards the juniors?? there r other 'available' ppl geh...but i m not tat close to them to begin wif or they r veli bz wif their societies n activities...n i m not part of their societies or activities...argh..dammit everything iz related....i better stop now..tomolo need to meet lecturer at 8.30am...now almost 2 liao...

28/10/2007

Heh....exam eve aledi loh...as relaxed as ever...tonight will sleep early de...later will review my notes one last time b4 going to sleep...in the meantime i guess i shouldnt be playing any games to relax...mayb watch anime or juz listen to songs while lying on the bed...oh yeah i still havent take my bath nia...tomolo 830 am...will wake up around 730 am...the paper onli lasts 2 hours..tatz pretty short..i feel like i hav covered most of everything but a part of me oso telling me tat i shud read more...i guess i juz dun wana feel any regret after the exam as well as to ensure i get at least an above average result?? i can onli hope...everyone iz doing their best de...i shouldnt lose out to them nia...hopefully i wont...hm..it would b better if sumone would accompany me throughout the whole thing...hehehe...but tis not tat bad i guess...be able to stand on my own as well as think for my own sake...ahh....nvr mind...hehe..tatz all i think..dunno wat else to say aledi...the day iz kinda boring...nothing much happened...catch up on stuff wif a fren...even though staying in same hostel but he iz veli bz...furthermore living in different floors...i guess tatz it...nitez..

28/10/2007

I am here once again nia~~~tis time blogging around 2am in the morning...finally finished my syllabus once de..kinda lazy wana continue though...hehe...spend a lot of time here watching anime, playing games...hahaha...as exam time comes near the more relaxed i bcome...dunno why...but i juz hope tat tis period of time will b over...i hav enuf of tis sem aledi...not tat bad...not tat good either...perhaps i did pretty good in my studies or my responsibilities...but my social life iz still terrible...i think it might hav gotten worst!!...hm...but kenot compare wif my first year coz a lot of things different de nia...but in the end my lack of mandarin mastery still bites at me...i still feel i m missing out on a lot of things juz bcoz i dunno mandarin...language...iz a big obstacle to frenship? Sometimes the most important things in a frenship between 2 ppl are done without words...often wif juz a smile ^_^...iz my view towards all tis stuff so different from ppl? tat sum even think of me as weird? perhaps i m juz too naive? heh....continue to suffer in silence daily...wat i can do iz juz record it down in blogs like tis...at the very least i got complain somewhere...i misjudged a few things in the past nia...sumthings didnt really turn out like how i thought it would...mayb i was juz too desperate or i wasnt thinking straight...tonight the moon iz full..stars so bright...who shares the same view? who really appreciates it? to me, the moon iz beautiful...how i wish tat one day...i can view the same thing wif a group of frens...juz enjoying the moment, the peace as well as the midnight wind...now, there r other things more satisfying than dota aledi...i hav finally understand tat last year..but even so...haihz...perhaps i will follow the route of a story i came to know sumtime ago...where the student will graduate not wif tears of happiness...but tears of loneliness..perhaps i will b thrown in the air n take sum pictures..but those r juz momentary...deep inside i guess all of us know...it iz fake...as fake as my smile could be right now...i wana mention another quote...'If sumone would tell me that it is okay to live, i will buy a small mirror and practice smiling'...hopefully i wont fall down to tat level...the person who mentioned it got a fulfilling ending though....all her suffering were recognised, accepted and healed by the person she likes the most....fairytale ending? who knows? hehehe

27/10/2007

Yo....i m here again...luckily today the connection isnt totally hopeless...but still nothing much changed..haihz..hopefully one day the connection will b restored to the way it used to be...but i guess it wont nia..at least not tis sem...the sem iz ending looo...today juz settled the last presentation of a project...most of us got shot at...as expected by the dean though..his opinions were professional and veli useful..especially next sem wen v got a subject juz titled as 'Projek Kumpulan'...a whole sem group project...wonder wat will it be? At first wen i thought about it...i m not tat scared as i m now...wen the reality tat one project will cost me 100% marks sets in...i know it wont b easy...my first paper starts at 29th...almost finish the revision de..actually shud b finishing up now...hahaha...later tonight read through everything once or twice...rest up...then go through it 2 more times tomolo...tatz all i can do i guess..i will onli know if it iz enuf wen i hand in my paper...a few of my frens oso mentioned tat i look terribly overworked...hm..mayb itz juz tat my hair iz messier than usual...i do feel tat i m doing a lot but sumhow it seems not enuf...pushing myself to the limits..it does feel nice wen ppl make tat comment though...means they pay attention to u now n b4...hehe...speaking of my hair...sumtimes it could get so straight and arranged i cant help but stare at it a bit longer in the mirror..hahaha...if onli i could control it nia =_=...my terrible migraine over tis past few days iz gone nia...kinda happy...veli bothersome to do anything wif yur head aching..mayb i juz needed sum rest or relax a bit...yesterday night i tot of sleeping early coz today need to present the project early in the morning but i ended up rolling about...staring at the ceiling...thinking bout things...sad things again...juz tat tis time i dun hav tat disappointed or angry feeling anymore...and no i didnt cry =_=...mayb a lot of things were not meant to be...at least perhaps not in tis lifetime...to treasure everything u hav now...iz not enuf for me...veli greedy eh?? in the end i m still looking for sumone to talk to...sumone tat knows wat iz happening as well...coz if i need to explain the whole situation, i might missed out on sumthing...tis place...everyone iz veli close...i cant really juz complain to anyone...not tat i dont trust ppl or anything but itz common sense mah...anyhow wen i missed out on sumthing but i dunno wat, n the person i m talking to misunderstands the situation i might end up more frustrated then b4....hahahaha...anyway i need to continue wif my stuff de...later need to plan dinner trip nia...haihz...and yes i m blogging in the evening...so sue me.

25/10/2007

Whew...25th liao loo...exams r drawing nearer..juz finished writing notes for today..spent around 5 hours nia...i guess tatz not bad aledi...still got 5 chapters to go....hopefully finish tomolo then can start revising for the first paper on 29th...27th got presentation summore....haihz...wonder how the team members r doing things? i m kinda tired of all tis aledi...yesterday i was feeling a bit under the weather...erm...a bit sick nia...mayb i pushed myself too far on monday...i settled everything for the website de nia...at least for now...today still feeling weak...but i guess studying a bit iz better than not studying at all...can face myself loh...take yesterday as a holiday for myself..a reward for finishing my stuff on monday...today went wif a fren to a nearby motor shop to fix up my motor...not tat it iz really busted or anything...need to get a new front license plate lah...last time break de wen i fell off my bike...n oso need to ask the boss to check up on the front...i think it iz a bit crooked to the side...but he said itz far more serious than tat...i still can drive lah but kinda weird loh...hm...been driving it for over a month aledi nia...even bring passengers sumtime...at first i tot tat the engine or sum other part was affected coz i feel like i couldnt reach 100km/h...checked it wif a midnight run wif the fren who go motor shop today n he said i clocked 110++...my meter juz show around 100...hahaha...i dun think my parents will b happy wen they learn bout me speeding at night though...juz now went supper wif coursemates..hahaha i dun think i hav really had supper wif them b4...gtg de...dota time!!

22/10/2007

YEAH!!! Kimi Raikonnen F1 champion liao!!! Today iz a bz day for me...either to play or to work...hm...Sunday oso over aledi...soon it will b my finals de loh...nowadays dun really spend time wif anyone...call up my mum three times liao i think since i came back...hahaha tatz veli frequent...but i hate the situation now than earlier wen no one iz around...at least at tat time i know no one iz around rather than being left alone...they all at home...not at KBH...they didnt abandon me...hahahha stupid way of thinking ya?...but tatz all i could do de...now...i know lah most ppl need to study...but i dun believe wen they claim they study whole day...hahaha sure will rest n kacau ppl de...sum even go out to play n relax...oftentimes negative scenarios play out in my head...but at least now i wont get so depressed de...i know it iz pointless n most of the time juz my imagination or misunderstanding...hopefully i can keep it tat way...but one thing iz for sure...dun always assume tat i wont follow or i m bz or sumting...how much do any of u know me? hehe...sure i m always bz or full of things to do but how do u know tat i m not waiting for sumone to save me? to take me out...to give me a reason to relax and play? ppl r weird nia...u might not think of going alone...but wen ppl ask...sure change decision veli fast de...wakakakak...haihz...all tis thoughts...sumtimes ppl say if i dun tell then no one will understand...but if i tell onli u do...where iz the sincerity in tat woh??...itz juz simple things nia...juz ask me...if i reject yur offer then different story...dun assume...plz...i hate it wen i find out got ppl out de then i ask ask then they say they thought i m bz...tatz the worst excuse nia...if u say different group then nvr mind lah...and if u lie to me about the trip..make sure i dont find out..otherwise the one in most pain iz not u..but me....there r sad stories everywhere...wonder if i write a biography of myself will bcome best seller or not oh?? hahaha...nowadays onli 1 person kept me company nia...thanx a lot...truly unexpected...sum ppl tat i hope will keep in touch wif me didnt...well mayb they truly r juz bz or sumthing...no matter...like a fren said...reject everyone...trust no one here...i myself add sumthing = stop thinking sumone will be your fren...so far so good i guess...sumhow i think it iz better tat my roommate not yet back nia...otherwise i will lose a lot of freedom...furthermore wat can 2 bored guys sharing the same room do? hahahaha....cant on9 in room...now sitting at the foyer...raining de...not bad..kinda windy...but raining almost everyday...haihz...kacau onli de...wana go eat oso hard...riding motor mah~~...i got involved in an accident oso due to rain de...my motor oso not yet repair nia...kenot go over 100km/h...weird...juz now take fren on motor kenot even reach 80!!!...argh!!!...hehehe i m speed demon lai de...sure it iz bad...but at least now not yet fix motor mah...even if i wan to, i kenot fly so fast de...furthermore wen i go out wif ppl i normally follow them...so if they dun go so fast i oso wont go fast nia...hm..2 sumthing in the morning aledi..tomolo bz day...not really bz lah..but tomolo pass up 1 assignment nia...feel kinda bad for giving wrong information to a coursemate earlier bout another assignment..i tot both of them pass up tomolo...i was wrong...hopefully wont affect the marks much nia...gtg de loh...more n more ppl will come back...wil anything change??...

20/10/2007

Eh...wat a boring day...at least i finished up part of my stuff...today got a lot of ppl around de...hahaha...everything iz going back to normal soon....izzit good or bad =_=...haihz...no dota as well...nothing much to post...not even 12am...sien oh...

20/10/2007

The anime really end liao loh...so nice...really deserve best anime of the year award...not tis year lah...2005 one if i m not mistaken...now sitting at the foyer sofa wif my laptop on my..er...lap n my legs on a plastic chair without slippers...veli comfortable...no one around...can listen to songs without headphones...addicted to the fourth opening of the anime de...."Sakura" by NIRGILIS...itz a japanese group tat used the song Amazing Grace as a background music...so cool...the lyrics r meaningful as usual...the ending really nice de...everything settled nicely..not the kind of hong kong drama ending where it iz too good to b true...sumtimes itz ridiculous...hahahaa...the romance part really touching...warm n sweet...the hero iz so cool...itz nice seeing how he n the girl he likes interact...they r true to each other...sure they argue...but they will work things out...not really 'love conquers all' scenario lah...they sit n discuss...they r honest to each other...n most of all they trust each other...true love at a young age...got plus n minus de...sum claim a relationship formed at a young age wont last long coz not tat mature yet...mayb juz puppy love...but the feelings r truly sincere i guess...wen u get older everything changes...oh yeah...forgot to say they r bound to each other through 3 adopted kids as well...war orphans to b exact...killed by the same girl who adopted them...the anime iz full of memorable quotes but i cant really mention them all...i would like to watch the whole thing again...haihz...another day gone again...wonder how long can tis peaceful days last...more n more ppl r coming back..yeah itz a good thing i guess...dunno lah...see how loh...but i feel kinda nice nowadays...better than b4 i go back Ipoh lah...mayb not bcoz of the condition here though...mayb itz coz i get to relax n escape from all tis for a week in Ipoh...haihz...1 am de...havent take bath yet...hm my projects r going on well i guess...hahaha cant really finish it by tonight...will finish it by tomolo...sunday got other things to do aledi...after all tis can relax a bit...n face the exams...kinda scary though..dunno how i will fare...if possible i wana get into dean's list once more...the projects i m doing now...hopefully they can help out wif my wish~~....or it might go the other way n drag down my marks =_=...no risk no gain eh??...sigh...dun wana go back lah...i can sit here all night...provided i got ppl to chat wif on9 hehehe...getting hungry again...the chocolate shake earlier finally digested de...hahahaa....

19/10/2007

Itz thursday aledi...haihz...projects due monday...juz my 'boss' came by my room n give me sumthing to do as well...itz not really tat bad if things come by one at a time...wrong timing i guess...hm...today kinda boring actually...nothing much to do...still veli quiet...even though i hate being alone but sumhow enjoying the peace...hm...i guess itz true tat most of my problems come from ppl around me...but i cant live alone...talking to a computer iz not tat fun...need to interact wif ppl...i feel tat i changed a lot...i can speak more...but still havent overcome the entire problem lah...for example i dun hav much problem dealing wif public speaking subject...i think back in form 6 i would hav been veli afraid...hehehe...i got 22/45 for my MUET speaking...i was shaking during the exam...i couldnt speak properly...luckily all my other marks r near perfect...juz a few marks short of band 6...but tatz history aledi loh..i think i can speak to girls much better than b4...hehehe considering i spent most of my school days wif boys...even during tuition i dun really mix wif girls...bad experience i guess...but sumtimes i still couldnt talk well...most of the time iz during arguments i guess...i hav made a promise tat i wont raise my voice or swear against a girl provided she starts first...nor could i hurt sumone too deeply wif my words...i know i hav gone too far sumtimes but i will try my best to keep my promise...occasionally i feel veli unhappy wen i m forced to back down...but tatz in the past as well...hm..wat else? an anime i m watching iz going to end soon...a love story spanning 50 episodes involving aliens n saving the world iz veli interesting to me...i like it veli much actually...hope it wont end...but all stories will end nia...even though i myself can nvr do or experience wat the main character goes through in the story but i m satisfied juz knowing the story n watching it all on my laptop...there r a lot of scenes tat make me feel warm inside...heh....getting hungry now de...long time since i hav gone supper...hehehe...

17/10/2007

Urgh...tis post iz kinda late de...the internet connection in KBH iz terrible...cant really surf or do anything...now sitting in foyer using wireless...the whole place iz kinda deserted...veli quiet...not many ppl...if got oso mostly went out or go fren's house...feel veli blur...dunno wana do wat de...veli lazy...dun really wana do work...but havto do loh...need to pass up...worth marks nia...hopefully more ppl will come back tis few days...i respect those who came back earlier than me or those who nvr gone back at all...

16/10/2007

I will juz keep tis post short...running out of time de...will b back UKM by tomolo...haihz...sien...feel so sad de...but i dun hav much of a choice...even though everything seems ok i cant feel relaxed nia...today ate a lot of things...pizza n tiger beer for dinner...hehe favorite things...finished a ps2 game during tis short 1 week stay in ipoh...enjoyed the story a lot...especially the little romance part...itz kinda nice...to experience sumthing like tat...hopefully i will hav a nice dream tonight...smiling wif a tear i guess ^_T...nitez..2 months till i can come back ipoh again~~

15/10/2007

Sometimes it iz so hard to explain to other ppl bout my problems from the beginning...sumtimes it iz frustrating as well...all my problems r related...one of the reasons i dun go out tat often iz bcoz...no one actually invites me tat often...wen i m free, ppl r not....wen i m not...ppl r free...i m lonely...n it goes on n on n on...hehe...sumtimes i juz swallow my feelings n agree to wat u all say...kinda lazy to talk anymore...i always think tat other ppl's way of thinking iz too simple...but mayb i m making things too complicated?...there r sumthings i can nvr ignore though...mayb itz the way i grow up..the environment..my past...my experiences...i dun like it wen ppl make everything sound so simple...if it iz...most of us would hav done it...there r many things to think about...like the consequences of our actions to the ppl around us as well as ourselves...the benefits if there iz...as well as the need...for instance going supper nia...i go supper bcoz i need food...i m hungry...n oso can go out n laugh a bit...but the recent supper trips were kinda bad...anyhow those r different stories tat i rather not talk about now...otherwise it would nvr end...gone r the reckless days...wen u think of sumthing then u juz do it...i dun think i can do it anymore...or izzit the circumstances does not let me to do it? or izzit tat i hav juz gotten soft n weak? mayb the king wai a few years back iz crazy n acts b4 he thinks...hahaha...but there iz no one to make sure nia...most of my frens in the past iz gone walking their own paths...sum didnt see for over a year or 2...got frenster geh...but duno wat to say anymore...but one thing iz for sure...the best days r gone...i think? hav there been best days b4?? surrounded by frens...i know i hav ppl tat i trust...but do they trust me as much as i do?? will they betray me?? i dun really think bout tis stuff in the past...

14/10/2007

Eh....dun really know wat to blog nia...but juz felt like blogging onli...eheheh...today went to ipoh garden east area play dota...not tat fun...going alone n all the matches was weird...either totally lose or win till ppl quit...sien...there goes most of my morning n afternoon...nothing much happening at night...oh yeah...saw a MV featruing a Malay artiste for hari raya celebrations...her hair iz so cooooll!!! instead of the usual red,brown or even blue highlights...she did hers in white!!! i like it nia...really unique...mayb not everyone can do it...oh yeah...regarding hairstyles...i didnt cut my hair or anything...will keep it till after exams i guess...2 months later...how long my hair will b then?...hopefully i can sit for my exam though hehe...tomolo iz sunday de loh...come back ipoh oso feel weird...ah..remembered sumthing!! saw a fren wen i went to play dota...juz chat a bit onli...hahah he was surprised at my new image..even though i hav been keeping my hair for a long time de...i miss a lot of ppl nia...i miss the good old days...i miss the girls of my life...even though they r wif sumone else right now but i dun hav any bad feelings against them as nothing ever happened between me n them...both times oso one-sided...so dun really feel ackward towards them...the most recent one...i m still not sure...may bcoz it iz impossible again?? might grow attached to another one soon...izzit bad to do so? switching so fast? but mayb i m juz looking for frens...hopefully can find out soon..without anyone getting hurt....hehehe...tatz all i guess...

13/10/2007

Another day passed...hehe today iz friday...pasar mlm de~~...itz nice walking through the neighbourhood pasar mlm nia...but my mind iz flooded wif the cheras pasar mlm trip...truly iz a blast...frankly speaking i hav nvr went pasar mlm purely wif girls b4...anywayz sum of the stuff iz available here as well...n i tot it was onli available at the cheras pasar mlm...hm..wat else happened today?...nothing much i guess...ate a lot of stuff...did sum work...time iz running out...tomolo i will go for an outing by myself...itz hard to find ppl tat share the same interest anymore...hehe...a lot of ppl hav moved on i guess...but for me i still like to play dota...i guess itz juz like ppl who like to tune their cars or ppl who like to gamble...itz not tat beneficial i think...but tatz wat v like ^_^...furthermore i m not tat bad at dota...n i enjoy it most of the time...i hav learnt not to always blame myself entirely for the lost...hehehe...itz a team game...so a one-man army wont work...furthermore back in UKM...itz my onli entertainment...as well as a way to know other ppl better...to share sumthing wif them opens up a lot of doors...at least got sumthing to chat about wen yumcha hehehe...oh yeah...earlier during my stay at the local cybercafe after walking a bit at the pasar mlm i saw a pair going to play dota nia...it was evident the girl following along her bf onli nia...i told my fren tat i wont ever force my girlfren to play dota...mayb i will stop playing entirely...dependz nia...but i wont force her to play...especially wen v r going out together...dun wana waste precious time together...walking wif her at the pasar mlm would hav been more fun n satsifying...instead of risking making her angry or bored...except she iz the girl i saw in midvalley...where she smiles as she juz sits quietly looking at her boyfren enjoying himself at the arcade..ah...tat sweet sweet smile...dark long hair summore...hahaha wat r the chances?? But itz not zero rite? i shud keep on dreaming nia...no need dark long hair gah~~...if me playing dota can make her happy...hm..too early to dream...

12/10/2007

Hm...aledi third day in Ipoh nia...time iz running short...today finished a part of my project...still got a long way to go...hopefully can do more in the coming weekend? But might b impossible..dunno...see how lah...hm...finally i m back to normal i guess...still kinda stressed out...still veli sensitive...but at least now got sum motivation to do work once more...like wat ppl say...sumone's gotta do it...n i m not going to let my chance at grabbing the dean's list be destroyed by other ppl...if i m stupid...if i m weak...at least i can blame myself..but to blame others...i dunno lah..mayb they got sum valid reason or sumthing...wonder how does it feels like to work wif 4 other me? hahaha....first of all it would b weird...anywayz today watched the news report bout accidents n stuff...sumtimes i think how would i feel if one of the ppl i know, ppl tat i m close wif were involved? surely it would hurt...hurt a lot..no matter how small the accident iz...i think my heart will race all the same...to lose sumone permanently once again...hahaha i was still young back then...n now i hav my necklace to remember it as long as possible...to cherish all those close me...but wat if it hurts myself by doing so?? haihz...i hav been catching up to the news lately...the child hui yi iz pretty cute....glad she could make it through her ordeal nicely..i think she will grow up to b a nice girl...hehehe...haihz...i m veli weak against girls wif dark eyes n dark straight hair...naturally dark n straight of course ^_^...but i wouldn't know if it was fake anyhow...not tat i dun like those wif curly or coloured hair though...hm...mayb the first impression will b better? hahaha...being in home truly makes me feel better...dun really feel lonely even without frens...but i m not saying i can live without them...one day hopefully i can find a group where i truly belong...frens tat i can trust...tat i wont b afraid will betray me...where i can laugh without worry...n where i can lean on wen i m feeling weak...anyhow i cant stop dreaming bout having a pretty girl to stare at all day...without her getting angry of course...in fact she would smile back right at me!!!...hahahaha i can onli dream...

11/10/2007

Second day in Ipoh aledi...hm..wat to say first...decided to start work today...but didnt really do much...hehehe..coz went shopping for PS2 games...long time didnt play de loh...went around Ipoh...today visited grandma's house...long time nvr seen my grandparents either...had sum fun there...erm....during the visit watched the Korean drama...didnt know bout the story but it was obvious 2 girls like 1 guy...as one of them tried to approach the guy, he was accompanying the other one...as she stood still, she heard the guy saying sumthing similar...a flashback occured...the guy told her the same thing wen she was feeling down...wen she needed sumone...she tot those words belong to tat moment i guess...belonged to them onli...but now he iz saying it to another girl...hahah i think can imagine tat her heart broken aledi...it was hard for her to hold it all in...sum scenes later she was in need of a companion..sumone to talk to...sumone to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on...she tried calling her sister but her sister juz ignored her...she could barely hold back her tears anymore...as her phone rang, she tot her sister iz coming for her but it was another guy talking crap...the guy sensed sumthing was wrong so went looking for her...hahahaha...back to reality...i guess sumtimes really fate lah...the guy couldnt hav predicted tat the girl needed sumone...he juz called to chat a bit...they might end up as a couple in the end....but does a relationship built on pure chance last long?? dun really know...anywayz i think v muz always bkful of wat v say...u nvr know wen sumone will hold yur words close to their heart...if it iz sweet or sumthing tat helps then it will b comforting n warm...if itz not suitable or painful then it will b veli veli painful...even though it iz juz as a joke...ppl get offended at wat u say easily bcoz they think of u as a close fren...i guess tat iz 1 way to look at it...as a close fren u shud understand well wat lines muz not b crossed...hehehe i guess i will keep the post short today...dont feel too good...haihz...

New blog~

Hehehe...finally moved my blog from frenster de...not like most ppl care anyhow...onli 1 person directly responded to my post nia...i will continue posting my stuff here...hopefully tis blog will last longer than the frenster one...n oso b more cheerful...anywayz today finally went back Ipoh de loh...whole sem oso nvr go back coz no mid sem break....but stay 1 week onli...soon will b back in UKM to settle the rest of my projects as well as prepare for the final exam...back in ipoh sure iz great...but everything seems so foreign now...even though i hav known it for the most part of my life thus far...it was great being wif my family again...it was great being home!!...no need to worry bout food, no need to worry bout washing clothes...can sit back n watch tv...how long since i hav really sit down to watch tv nia...normally juz go library hav a sneak peek...however...as i suspected nia...the neighbourhood frens here...even though they all were smiling n laughing wen i surprised them but...things hav changed de...the undefeatable DOTA team of first garden is officially gone...sumhow it iz veli discouraging to see the captain to pull away from a game...well as expected we lost to a group of teens younger than i m...their teamwork iz veli good...haihz..the good old days r gone...no matter how strong individuals r...they will lose to the teamwork of the opposing team...well i guess i can concentrate more on my projects...2 projects in less than 2 weeks...sounds insane eh? stil got 1 more due mid-november...yes..tatz during our exams...haihz...i m missing the guys n girls in KBH aledi..the feelings of frenship between us was real for a time...but now...i really hope v can b frens...v can hang out together...can talk crap or discuss serious matters together...haihz...itz hopeless i guess...most of u hurt me in more ways than i can count...sum ask me if tis problems were from last sem...i dun really know...but tis sem it iz more terrible i guess...coz most of the students tat stayed for their second year are from first n second floor..at least those active fellas lah...so i need to know them from the beginning..itz not like there iz aledi frenship between us...yala we know each other's name...but tatz it...i can nvr really feel myself joining their group...after all i m the outsider...while those who remained from the third n fourth floor...they go back every weekend if possible...so tatz why my weekends r so terrible...holidays as well...furthermore a lot of them r bound to each other through societies like PBSM...n oso Han Hua...i m not in either one nia...i m in PKK...i m all alone in there...the onli chinese actually...haihz...wen they hav meetings or activities i feel like i m isolated loh...but i guess itz not a feeling...i really m isolated...sumtimes they will catch me sitting at the foyer lazily...actually i crack my head trying to finish all my assignments as fast as possible n then sit at the foyer to relax n hopefully catch one or 2 of my frens passing by after their respective meetings or activities...furthermore my room iz at the corner nia...bside the toilet...yeah itz convenient wen u need to use it but no one ever visits u unless they need yur help...sumtimes i m juz the technician...i always try to make myself useful..offering my assistance in anyway possible...wat i wan in return iz juz ppl to talk wif...i dun hav much talents other than tat...i cant sing, i cant dance...i cant even get to know juniors...i dun think hoping tat their laptops will breakdown iz a good idea...in fact it iz evil...lastly...a lot of ppl pair up tis sem...to me it means losing frens...we r no longer their priority...especially if their partners r in UKM...sure it hurts by i dun wana stop them from getting together...so i try to distance myself...wat about me u ask? following from the frenster blog...yeah i like sumone now...a 'moment' happened...but the ending will b the same...hopefully i can explain the whole thing one day...for now i fear tat it might affect not onli me but the girl as well...juz keep the fact tat i cant b wif her...ah...the feeling of loneliness indeed iz great tis sem...i m surprised i could hold on for so long...i think in my first year nothing of tis magnitude ever happened...i hav experienced a new level of sadness n depression...but still i m going strong...i need to...hopefully one day i will get wat i wan...frenship...n escape from loneliness...ok loh...first post aledi so long...but i think i still got sumthing not yet say lah....