Ugly jokes and me

I actually started this draft on a rather gloomy and depressed mood and was ready to go all sentimental and revisit the ghosts of the past. Thanks to a video, I feel refreshed now and ready to face the coming week. Such is the pros and cons of being a rather emotional unstable person I guess since I am affected by a lot of things, my mood swings rather quickly too. But, I will not avoid the topic of the day. Perhaps I will bring about a slightly positive twist to this post so that readers could actually finish the whole thing. Today, finally after quite some time, a person I know made a face joke. Yes, usually it is the 'look at the mirror' thing.

I wasn't really offended I guess but it just kinda starts my day with a bitter taste. The major reason why I do not like those jokes is because up to this very day, I think my first crush rejected me due to my physical appearance. At that time I was so depressed and I actually broke down completely. I got hit by high fever, almost got mistaken as dengue fever and lost a whole lot of weight. I think it was around 10kg. Life at that time seemed meaningless to me because well that is almost what every heart-broken youth feels. To me, my face is the one thing that I cannot change among many others. I realize that I am not handsome and to a certain extent I look hostile. When I make jokes, due to my previous cool image, it doesn't seem to match and people perceive me as 'weird'.

So a 'face joke' in a way is a direct assault at my existence so to speak. It is like insulting the height of someone. However, I do know that people generally grow up to accept things and does not throw a fit. I dare say I handle it okay because except for this blog post, no one knew I actually care. I understand it being in the context of a joke but then just that coincidentally it is among one of the first few things I read after I wake up. Communication with people generally have gotten more complicated since now we can drop a message or chat with people without being face to face. If I was pissed at something earlier, and someone just lay a joke at me, the possibility of me getting offended is rather high. Therefore I seldom land a hard joke unless it is face to face, it is someone I know very well or I don't really care about the feelings of the other party.

I would dare to make an assumption that any reader would suggest I am too sentimental or I have a temper problem. Perhaps to a certain extent I do. I am trying to fix that as much as possible. But sometimes it is hard to go on as I need to swallow my pride and be patient most of the time for nothing. There is no encouragement and people do not realize I am restraining myself for the sake of our friendship. This is who I am and I have long since accepted the possible fate that I will continue living mostly alone. Fairy tale endings are for fairy tales. Life so far has taught me what reality has to offer instead. But I am not going to give up either.

Day by day I work hard to present a better image of myself to avoid such a fate. Day by day I convince myself that perhaps today will be the day I meet someone that I will cherish for the rest of my life. There is nothing else I can do anyway. Furthermore I do gain health and a brighter outlook at life. Watching certain videos made me feel warm and hopeful. It reminds me clearly what is important and that what has happened so far is not worth getting depressed for. It is already what it is. But the simple motivation that one day my day will come is enough to make me asking for more. And if it is tomorrow, readers will be among the first to find out. Good night and sleep well.