Work and delays

Finally I am able to start my blog post as I was still stuck with my work. There was an issue but I am sure none of you would be curious about it. Just leave it to tomorrow I guess. Anyway, I have to admit that this few days I am very very occupied with Korean songs as I discover more and more singers that are great performers. And I do not mean females only as some of the male ballads are really powerful and moving to an extent. If some of you K-pop fans out there would notice, most of the Original Soundtracks for Korean dramas are sang by male singers. Perhaps that is how their culture is. The males are always the soulful and brooding singers while females provide a more positive and cheerful image. Some people may view this as traditional or old-fashioned but some things are best left untouched. Questioning everything is good but it might not be worth the effort and sure as hell doesn't bother me.

After a short review by another writer of a different space, I do agree that all my blog posts are rather long winded. Therefore, I will try to keep things short and sweet as possible. Tomorrow is finally Friday and the Christmas Party for my company. There will be a gift-exchange session as well as a lot of food. Wonder what will I get as a gift? People say be thankful for whatever gift you receive and believe in the spirit of giving. I dare say I do select my gift for another colleague like I mean it but there are no guarantees for the rest of the company. I don't mind a cheap gift but a prank gift I will surely be pissed. If the gift is not going to be worthwhile to me, might as well not receive it because I will then need to tell a white lie and find a way to make it useful. I am just being honest here. I am extremely blunt to a fault and it has seldom been beneficial to me. The truth or the lie?

I was discussing with a friend today about hiding our own feelings especially negative ones and well that made me think a bit. Previously I also tend to hide my own feelings. Sometimes it is to be nice and not be rude while other times I guess just to not be so visible. But the hardest is when I need to hide my feelings in front of my crush so long ago. Perhaps some of the readers now are grinning too as my rather 'epic' story was documented clearly in this very blog before I decided to delete all entries of that year. So now I am pretty much against hiding our feelings as in the end we suffer the most. Hiding means there are bound to be misunderstandings as it usually involves lies. Meaning wearing masks and creating more distance among people. If what a person said or did offended me, I will try to inform as politely as possible. I cannot possibly hope people to understand me that well so I will need to tell them. If that is not a choice, then might as well I evade the person completely to avoid future issues.

As a personal experience, I was so good at hiding and perhaps could even be said 'shifting' my feelings I scared myself. Even I was aware how fake I have become. I could smile at the person I hate the most and I could be angry at the person I love the most. I could be very down and sad but will immediately change when people are asking for karaoke because I do not want to be left out. At one point, I started questioning do I even truly feel anything since I can change at the drop of a hat? Then I started questioning what is being happy and all that nonsense. That period of time truly was one of the worst I have experienced. And nobody was aware of that. I couldn't find anyone that I could trust or perhaps willing to understand things from my perspective. I was fully and truly alone in that I think.

Therefore, I hope that explains my reluctance in hiding feelings or telling white lies for convenience. At one point I was also questioning the things I said from memory because to truly make your words believable, I must believe it first. This is why people that tried to know me better also stayed away in the end. I can only blame myself I guess. But things will pick up. And I am trying my best to stop lying. I think I nailed being direct with my feelings and opinions already. Anyway, to end things on a happy note and to avoid being too long again, as usual, I wish to say take care and enjoy your day ahead! Fighting!!!