A letter to myself

This is a letter to myself. I have so much to say and yet I have none. Finally it is the close to end of 2012 and today is my birthday. By the way, the world did not end. I am officially 26 now and much have happened. Looking back throughout the year I should congratulate myself for handling it well since I am sitting here, still healthy and safe. I have finally moved out of my first rental room to another larger and more comfortable room. It is not perfect, but I think it is a good start. I am still working at the same company, without much problems. I have managed to avoid catastrophic errors and completed some projects. This year, my thoughts and opinions have changed hopefully for the better. I have removed many toxic contacts in Facebook, not because they are my enemies but because their updates feed my negative thoughts. Therefore, I think my mental well-being have improved. There is still much to be done but I think I have done my best. Dealing with people is a skill you polish through your lifetime after all.

There is but one thing. I am still poor. I could not buy many things that I wish for, including a birthday gift. However, all is not lost. Since last year, I have decided to give myself something that no money can purchase. Nobody can buy it for me. It is made with hard work, dedication and discipline. This should be one of the best things I can ever give myself.

This is not Korean superstar level yet but I am getting there. I will get myself there. For so many years I was teased for being fat. For so many years I have wished for a better body. Here it is buddy. Happy fucking Birthday. This is where everything you invest in is repaid with interest. That is not all. I wish that life will treat you better, find a great group of friends, excel at work, and generally have an awesome upcoming year. And Merry Christmas.

What is the truth?

What is the truth actually? I find out the hard way that the truth is something you believe in and not something that is real even if proven. Of course I try my best not to follow the trend but sometimes it is out of your control. A hundred lies can destroy one truth. There is nothing we can do about it. It means nothing if I know the truth when a hundred others simply dismiss what I say. Especially when there is no way I can reproduce the evidence. Perhaps this is why some people are labelled as insane or crazy simply because they believed in something else other than the norm. You cannot blame anyone in this matter. This is simply how the world, how our reality works right? This is different from keeping a secret. Not only can you not share the excitement of the truth, people might even step on it.

One bad rumor about you and you might face some serious problems in your social adventures. Even existing relationships with people will be threatened. You can never underestimate the power of opinions and suggestions. Do not expect people to get to know you before passing judgement. Sometimes one chance is all you get and one chance is all it takes. The truth is commanded by the popular, the influential and sometimes the strongest. The vanquished have no say in things. And those caught in the middle will follow the winning party to avoid unnecessary problems or simply to enjoy the spoils of war. It is human nature to secure an advantage whenever possible wherever possible. However, there are some very smart people who sway according to their own whims and to extend their own goals, independent of the current scenario. Those would be the deadliest.

It gets very lonely preaching your own truth. You need to be very disciplined and strong too. To withstand the insults. To withstand the betrayals by people close to you. Then at the end of the day, will the truth be worth it? What do you get from it? Broken relationships? How many people will actually thank you for the truth? It might even be too late. Idealistic people will say that people who do not even listen is not a friend. That is a very naive thing to say. I guess the best thing to do is to keep everything to yourself. Just grin lightly whenever your best friend spread lies. Attempts to correct the person will end horribly even when done away from the spotlight. Through all this madness, you will end up even doubting yourself. Is what you know actually the truth?

Life. Like the Movies

I have never thought of things this way but life is very similar to the movies you watch in the cinema. In the beginning, we have trailers and ads. Some of them boring, some of them interesting and some may perhaps be inspiring. Just like life, when we are young we tend to be influenced by many factors. We go around trying to experience different things trying to find our way. Sometimes it gets boring, sometimes you get inspired and wishes to pursue something else. Finally once the dust settles, you can say that you made the final choice of deciding to watch your movie or jump for a chance of a better movie. That is the opening credits and that is when life truly starts. You never know how the movie will turn out until you watch it. You never know how life will turn out until you live with your choice.

Somewhere along the way, you wait patiently for the story or action to pick up. Some could not wait, grew bored or tired and decided to walk away before finishing the movie. I think you understand what I am trying to say here. Sometimes the film jams up or a fire breaks out or the power gets cut. Then the movie ends abruptly due to unforeseen circumstances. There is nothing that can be done. I think that is much more of a waste because it never even had a chance. A choice is always a better circumstance than eating a decision made without your consent. For some people, the story is interesting from the start. Maybe they notice something that only makes sense to them. Maybe it was the right choice.

However, never judge a movie from the beginning. Some great movies start slowly and then progressively picks up speed before ending in such a way that you could only join in the standing ovation. Some movies lose their momentum from the start and turns into a confusing mess. This is what happens when there is no direction in the movie. Usually you can pick up a strong direction or a message from an award winning movie throughout the entire duration. Different genres offers different story flow as well. There are action movies, dramas, comedies, romance and fusions. The best recipe is the correct mix of everything and when it all comes together, the movie transforms into one hell of a ride.

Good or bad, when the movie ends we hate to leave the cinema. We would be sitting around, thinking about the highlights of the movie, trying to understand the ending or criticizing how horrible the movie was. All things must come to an end, and the end credits roll before the curtain falls. Such is life. I think it is a pretty accurate representation of how things are. And I am so excited about this comparison that I have to blog about it. It is true that we could gain inspiration from the most unlikely of places. Currently I think I am still watching some trailers while munching on popcorn. Sadly, I am sitting alone though. All is not lost, as the seat will remain vacant. Maybe someone will think that this movie is interesting as well and decides to watch it together.

I was in a depressed stupor for the past few days and thanks to a friend's touch I regained at least part of my senses. It is funny that I could not rely on friends or colleagues but it was someone pretty much outside of my usual circle that gave the awakening blow. What I needed was a conversation. A normal conversation about life, about stuff.  It was a simple gesture. To think that someone would bother to write so much, it is as if I got a break from the madness that surrounds me. I do not need a joke. I know people do not mean the things they say, but it stings all the same. Right here, right now, I thank you very much. I am sorry that I could not put your name. Please, know that you helped someone today and please, live well yourself. To the others, thank you for reading this far and enjoy the incoming holidays!

December 2012!!

Finally it is December. It has been one hell of a year. Thankful nonetheless. Without further ado,

This is me, without exercise, after a hot shower. Well I can't proof my claim, you just have to trust me. If I am at max pump mode, at least my arms will be larger. Yes, it can still go larger. With gym membership, I have access to a variety of upper body exercise tools. Most importantly I now have dumbbells. I am still in the process of learning how to use certain machines but this is much more better than relying on push ups and the swing bar. Doing the same thing over and over again will only weaken that set of muscles during the session. I still do push ups and chin ups, just that now I have dumbbells and the captain's chair machine to add more flavor. My current weight is hovering around 68kg. Water weight seems to be around 1kg. Shoes weigh around 500g if you want a very precise reading. At 177cm, I am considered slender now.

November was an exciting month with good news and bad news. Work has not been kind to me though. Even now I am still pondering whose fault was it, how and why. Perhaps I could have avoided it? You could say it is regret but also anguish. I know I should take responsibility but the other half of me refuse to simply shoulder all the blame. But all I can come up with are excuses. Sounds stupid right? I also learnt that you can never rely on Facebook for pick-me-ups by your contacts. Words that may sound sad to you can also be viewed as an opening for wordplay by others. Couple it with impeccable timing and you get a tight slap on the face about reality. I still do not understand but at least now I know that I should avoid it. I do not want to burn any bridges, so it was very difficult to swallow things. It is a thin fine line between being patient and being a coward. It is also a thin line between speaking up and being sensitive though.

Life is indeed a balancing act and you get punished without a break. Maybe just to make sure you remember it for the rest of your life. I guess everyone goes through shit once in a while. The way people deal with things are different. The supporting environment as well as various circumstances surrounding people are different. Therefore it is only obvious that we should not judge people harshly. Things like this could befall me, things 10 times worst could befall another too. There is no telling. There is no rule saying a person cannot fall below a certain threshold of bad luck. This applies to happiness too. I better stop over-analyzing stuff like this. Things getting a bit too gloomy. Like it or not, tomorrow comes again. We can only hope for a brighter future ahead. If you need something to hold onto, invest in yourself simply because you know you will gain from it. That is why I depend on my exercise routines. I know I am making progress. Maybe you can start learning a musical instrument or experiment with cooking. Another day means another chance to progress, to get better and to look forward to.

October 2012 update!!

Here is my latest picture. I do not know if you could consider this mission accomplished but I am pretty close.

In the picture, I am pumped up and also straining my muscles. I think male models do that when they pose so I am not cheating. However, it is still a pretty vague outline. I guess the upcoming 2 months is for me to experiment and polish my body before the deadline. This may very well be the best birthday present I have given myself so far. Not partying all night, not gaming all night, but something that has a very profound effect on my current self as well as my future self. The only gift that could beat that is perhaps another concert trip. Nailing a girl is something very subjective so that does not qualify. I have also included a picture of my back. In contrast to my front, it is not as muscular because I have only really paid attention to it recently.

Here you can see a very obvious back line and some developed shoulder muscles. I still have some work to do for my lower back muscles. I do not wish to make them bulge much but I would like a bit more definition. I am not aiming for Bruce Lee level of definition either. It is my body after all. I will pursue whatever that I think looks good. I guess you can see my triceps are only slightly above average with the bulge. It is something I am currently working on as well. Regarding my back and shoulder exercise, I suggest pull ups (front & back grip) and narrow push ups. I do pull ups at the playground but both my palms are bruised frequently due to the rectangular bar instead of the usual round bar. For push ups, I am still unable to do parallel elbow style even with my current build. I guess I still lack strength. Parallel elbow means you keep you elbow close to your side during the push up instead of the usual wide angle version. It is very hard.

Body updates aside, there isn't much to talk about. Nothing much happened between the team building trip and now. Well, at least nothing important enough. If it was really important, I would have created a blog post about it. My medical check-up results are out and some of it are rather peculiar but mostly I have a healthy body. I need to switch up my diet a bit and see how things will go. There was another patient at the clinic with suspected cancer though. I guess it will come as a severe shock. If possible I want to do much more regular check-ups but I cannot afford it. Might seem foolish as well since I am still young. I do not smoke, I do not take drugs and I exercise. Should be enough.

Yesterday I went to a reunion dinner of sorts with my friends from university. It was fun seeing them after so long. In case you have forgotten, I deleted a lot of them previously. Makes such meetings much more interesting I think. Some of them I simply chatted along even though we might have arguments in the past and stopped talking altogether. Time heals as they say. Everyone still looks the same even after so long. Some may have gained or lost some weight, some changed partners but for the most part, everyone is still alright. I do not know when will we have something similar again but I will always welcome it. Hopefully next time it does not rain and I do not have to risk my life again. Or maybe by next time I would have bought a car. Which is very nice if it came true. Well, life goes on. Wonder what will November bring?

More things to know

Merely a continuation of what I have written from the last post, it has been a journey of discovery. Today I went back to my university as a visitor to attend my brother's graduation ceremony. It is the first time I saw the entire graduation proceeding as I have never attended any graduation other than my own previously. I should be sorry to the people I know but it was not an option to travel that far for me just to spend some time taking pictures and maybe having a meal. To be frank, our friendship is not worth the hassle. Anyway, 3 years later I find myself at the grand hall again. But this time a lot of things have changed. For one, people everywhere are using smartphones. In the hall you can see people playing games, taking pictures or simply watching videos. There was none back in my day. And firmly in my hand is my phone, still the same from 3 years ago. A lot of time has passed and yet somehow it felt like none at all. Some things have changed, but some none at all.

This time, my brother had a digital camera. Back then, I wasn't able to afford a camera. And I have forgotten to properly charge my phone. In the end, I did not have a proper graduation photo even with my parents. I had to ask a friend to take a photo of me and my parents and then send it to me. Now that I think about it, I bet my parents are very disappointed. How sad it must have been for them. This time I came back with a vengeance. Without fail I smiled and posed. I even took a top-down angled picture smiling like an idiot with my parents and brother as background. Yes, I managed an awesome self-picture. And I still don't have a camera. I will ask my brother to send me a picture of only me and him soon. Now, I realized something. I am comfortable with pictures and smiling somehow. Maybe it is due to my new found confidence. Maybe I set up the random 2012 project and started doing things without thinking. Either way, I learnt something new.

And I am going to continue the flow. I have agreed to attend my friend's pre-wedding buffet dinner this coming weekend. It has been a long time since I have seen her or any other friends from university. I have no idea what they have been up to since I deleted them from Facebook. I guess it is for the best. Now I feel the need to catch up with them. I am curious about what they have been up to, who is dating who and how they look like. It is something well worth my time and hassle to take public transportation and suffer. I wouldn't be feeling like this if I see them in Facebook all the time. Furthermore, this time I will meet them without prejudice or opinions from reading their Facebook messages that I do not agree with. And it is about time I faced them to make things clear if I have to. To have closure. Or to be inspired for my 2013 project. If she is also there, I think it is appropriate that I tell her everything as well. I have hidden long enough. It is about time everything comes to light and for me to properly put it down. After all, it has been more than 3 years.

Things to know

This would be a short post reflecting on my first team building trip experience with my current company. I learnt quite a lot from the trip. Reinforced some of my motivations and also inspired what I should do for 2012. I can safely say now that my body is already in a favorable condition. I may not look my best yet but I believe I will eventually reach it. My abs may look a bit bloated considering I have been stuffing myself during the trip but I think my body have achieved good recovery and should be ready for the last push. I am especially proud of my legs actually. A lot of people can achieve bulging arms and chiseled abs but not many can achieve a runner's legs. I believe I have gained a lot from building up my body and it is definitely the correct choice. To show yourself confidently in front of others is very important because without confidence you won't be able to express yourself fully and people may not get to know you very well.

I also learnt that having muscles and looking pleasant does not get you friends. It does not automatically make you approachable or popular either. Honestly, to be alone in a crowd hurts. In fact, it hurts more than being alone by yourself. Nobody to talk to, nobody to laugh with, time passes by slowly. I realize now more than ever I do not have a group in my workplace. If it is not due to the group activities I would have spent most of my time being alone. Nobody shared a picture of me in Facebook or tagged me in a picture from the trip. It is always me asking to join or meet up with people most of the time. I am afraid of subconsciously being clingy. I am still awkward towards people. Maybe they see me as a fake person since I can be very warm and then very cold the next day. I am not being cold actually. But there is no way for people to actually know me that well from the very beginning. This is definitely something I have to address in the immediate future.

Another thing I want to do after experiencing this trip is to practice singing. I am sick of being heckled in the karaoke room. I hate being teased and I hate it even more that what they say is true. Yes, I can't sing. Yes, I am afraid to sing. How many people would actually tussle for the microphone from the get go. Must I actually learn each and every song I listen to by heart? Is it wrong to not be able to sing hot songs aired in the radio stations these days? I do not listen to radio. I listen to Korean songs. I can't read Korean lyrics. I can't remember the entire song. I need to start building up my confidence in the karaoke somehow. Either I start practicing in my room and annoy everyone or I need to frequent karaoke joints once I get an increment. For the sake of my future sanity I hope I get this covered in 2013. No, this is not an attempt to impress the ladies. This is for my own pride.

Best Day In 2012

I will keep this short. No amount of words can correctly describe what I felt or the numerous things that went through my mind during the T-ara showcase yesterday. All this while they seemed so distant, so fake, limited only to music videos or pictures. But for the first time in my life, I saw them live on stage, dancing the same dance I have watched many times over. They are there, in front of my eyes. They exist and they are so real. The showcase was no concert set in a big stadium, being forced to stare at projector screens, being distant and far. It was a smaller scale affair but offered something so much more. I can see them smile, I can hear them talk just like the videos but only this time it is not through a screen and headphones. Photos and videos from the showcase only generate a sense of loss as nothing could recreate the sensational feeling of being there. Everyone is there, singing, screaming and generally having fun. And for the first time in a long time, I had fun.

The picture above is the best my 4 year old phone could manage. It did a great job, the best it could, but it was me who is not capable enough to get a camera or a phone with a better built-in camera. This is also a major sore point for me. If I was this ecstatic from a measurable distance, imagine how the people in VVIP seats must have felt. I bet it was exhilarating. Perhaps all you can read here is the confession of a fanboy but it is not as simple as having pretty girls waving at you. They are the pretty girls that you always see in performance shows somewhere in the other side of the world. They are the pretty girls whose existence so far is limited only to electronic content as far as I am concerned. To see them live, is a very unreal experience for me. They may never come back to Malaysia ever again. This performance will never repeat itself ever again. It will be different. Perhaps the next time they will be holding a concert at a stadium where the only ticket price I could afford is a seat far away from the stage. I definitely have no regrets.

I was not lucky enough to be called on stage nor was I capable enough to afford VVIP tickets. But at the very least I get to experience the showcase. This event will probably be my most memorable day in 2012. It left a big mark in me. Even if the world were to end, at the very least I have done something I really want to do before I die. I have attended a concert, a K-pop concert no less and showed my appreciation for the performances with no restraint. Free from the awkward glares and poisonous whispers behind my back. I was myself, being honest and letting it go. Letting my feelings take over. 2013 will be much more exciting. I should start saving money. My faith in reality has been restored somewhat. I do not know what will come. But it is always best to be prepared to face as many possibilities as you could. A fresh challenge is looming over the horizon in the form of a team building workshop. One of the things I hate the most. It could turn either way. And maybe it will be another turning point in my life in more ways than one.

Mooncake memories

Suddenly just feel like writing some stuff. The Mid-Autumn festival has always been special to me. As I walk to dinner today I saw families having fun with lanterns and candles. I was very jelly. To all you people out there who stay with families, please spend the day with them. Because here is a very homesick man. Who will not hesitate to look down on people who abandons their family today. I always like the Ultraman lantern. I was bad with the paper lanterns when I was small and usually it burns down. I do not remember if I cried back then. Candles was fun when me and my brother start to write or draw things via smart positioning. As we grow older, things generally progressed to simply burning stuff. My parents hesitantly obliged, most probably knowing this is a part of growing up. I remember burning a rubber band and it got stuck on my little finger as it melted. It was horrible. I don't think there are scars though.

The most important aspect would be the mooncakes though. I can skip any food but I definitely have to eat mooncakes. My parents always scold me as I devour it since we are supposed to eat it slowly. But old habits die hard.

Healthy eating can move aside for a bit. Yes, that is a double-yolk lotus paste mooncake. And I intend to have more if possible. Hopefully the price will drop a bit since the festival is over. I am going to run 15km a week so I think that should be enough to cover the calories. Yes, 15km a week, not a day. Even if the calories come out even at first, I hope with the extra muscle in my legs, more calories will be burnt while at rest in the future.

My memories do not stop there. I still remember the first mooncake a female gave me as a present. It was coffee mooncake. I was taken aback at first simply because I could not imagine the taste. I finished it and it tasted alright. I think I replied the next year with a mooncake of the same flavor. It felt nice to receive gifts. I think some people will know who I am talking about. I can now say I will not regret giving her away or doing what I did. After all it was one of the most interesting events in my life. And judging by recent happenings, it might be the correct thing to do. I will forever be sorry to those that I hurt during that time but some of you I can simply call it even. And to a good friend of mine, you were the only one that sat beside me, if you ever need me, I will always be there. But I am not sure if I can set you up with a girl again. Or if I should, considering how it ended.

Recently a female colleague of mine gave me an apple. It was nice too. But the problem was, the apple is a bit rotten inside. I only found out after a few bites. Maybe it was a sign that I will be forever alone, she is evil or the apple is a reflection of myself. I am no saint, I know that much. I can't say much about her though. And I hope I will not end up forever alone. I will need to live long enough to find out at least. I am trying my best to do that. The coming Wednesday I will be going for my first ever concert. At least as long as I could remember. I heard no cameras are allowed, and my phone can't take nice pictures. It is an old phone. I guess you guys just need to take my word for it. Wait for my blog post then.

Monthly update and 추석 잘 보내세요!

Apparently my previous post received a lot of hits due to the title being a common term. I never realized that blogs can get hits so easily. Well, I am not getting any money from this blog so doesn't really matter. Feels kinda bad misleading people though. Anyway, I need to get something off my chest. Someone voiced out that I am showing off my pictures in Facebook. So, here is what I want to say. Yes, I am showing off. I do not have a new car, I do not have expensive clothes, I did not go somewhere special or meet someone famous. The only thing I have to show off is the time and effort I spent on my body. Are you jealous then? If you think I am being a snob, then just unfriend me in Facebook. How different am I from people sharing pictures or screenshots of their achievements? Some simply want to show off course. What about those people that simply want to share? What about people with promises? Like me? If you choose to view my pictures in a negative light, I can't do anything. Just keep it to yourself. Maybe I am over-reacting or my way of thinking is wrong to you. But this is how I roll. Deal with it. If you can't make the move, just inform me. I will gladly delete you.

Alright feeling better already. The Korean titles for this blog post refer to what Koreans call our Mid-Autumn Festival. They celebrate it differently but it is a joyous occasion nonetheless. Hope everyone will enjoy the day and have fun. Don't worry I will not spoil the day, bad times can wait. So without further ado, my pictures and a slight explanation on camera angle

Well, I dare say I have managed some progress on my arms but nothing much on my chest or abs. Taking a hint from the recent body checkups I had, I might need to switch things up a bit. More on that later. My arm veins are finally complete though. I guess it is a simple matter for others but to me it marks a milestone. A year ago I did not do much strength training, fearing permanent changes. Now, my arms have lost enough fat and gained enough muscle to pop veins all the way up my shoulder. I guess pull-ups play a large role. I have only started pursuing it less than a month ago. I can't even do 5 properly. Like what I always mention, my muscles are more towards endurance muscles. Anyway, I train on the playground swing so the grip is bad and I have a lot of bruises on both my palms. Hopefully the bruises don't stay permanent.

Onwards to the camera angle theory. As you can see in the picture above, my arms look quite developed when it is actually not that impressive. Well I learn some of it from the shows I watch where they show what Korean idols actually do behind the scenes at photoshoots or commercials. They actually work out a sweat at the set to get pumped and practice numerous poses to display themselves better. The picture hides most of my body features leaving only a clump of flesh as the main object of focus so I look impressive. Honestly, how I look most of the time is displayed below.

With my body in full view, my arms straight and roundish, I simply look normal. This 'look' is actually what I am trying to pursue. I try to make my body relaxed most of the time. At the back of my head I always assume having tensed muscles all the time is bad. I have no proof of this and I think it won't look good having them bulge. Having a low profile is always better than being easily noticeable.  You have the strength when you need it but you can still blend in and get away with excuses when you want to avoid work. Posting this in a public blog will probably backfire but how many people actually read this anyway. Maybe next time I should include a picture of how I look with my clothes on. I think I look fat.

From this month onwards I am going to increase the intensity and duration of my exercises. I will go for slow runs on both Saturday and Sunday. I will try to keep my food intake especially carbohydrates down on the weekends as well. Previously I just devoured everything. I need to see if I can lose more fat. I will still have Wednesday as rest day. My strength training days will remain the same. I don't know how people can train with the same intensity everyday. I know about splitting my workouts to concentrate on certain muscle groups but I am not sure if I can last an hour pushing only my arms or my abs. If there is minimal change on October, then I will split my workout. Recently I have been getting inspiration from Olympians that train more than 9 hours a day. And here I am feeling tired barely more than an hour of exercise. Of course I should not compare with people that aims to be the best in the world, but if you want an example, why not take the best? 

Again I wish to say Happy Mid-Autumn Festival and do enjoy the day.

Health check

Just heard news about the death of someone close to a colleague recently. I guess death should never be taken so lightly. It strikes swiftly, without warning and without mercy. I breached the topic of suicide in a post not long ago but truthfully I try to go against it. I dare say with honesty that it has never consciously crossed my mind before. When I was young, a friend of mine took his life due to reasons unknown to me. At that time the concept of losing someone forever is still foreign to me since I have never experienced it. Once an elderly relative passed away, it hit me like a truck. Never will I see that person again. Never will I hear my name being called again. Never can we spend time together again. I realized the pain of losing someone close. I can then imagine the pain of my family losing me. Why would people commit suicide then? There is no logical reason behind it. No good will come from it. Therefore, it is ultimately caused by the loss of rationality at that moment of time. Emotions can break the strongest of reasons. As to why I crashed at that time though, I can offer no solid excuse or reason. I did not go out for dinner with my friends with the intention of harming myself.

Hopefully I put that topic to a deep sleep. I will try my best to be very careful on the road and avoid any potential accident hotspots. But I will not slack in my exercise. Like what I said before, nobody ever died due to over-exercising. My body won't let me anyway. There are times when the pain is so severe I just call it a day after 2-3 tries. Recently I went for a total body checkup and the preliminary results are out. One of my kidneys, my gall bladder and my liver recorded lower than average function. My thyroid hormone system is haywire. How they diagnose this without even going through my blood is beyond me, but if what they say is true, my diet is killing me. It is true you can't beat a bad diet with exercise. I guess 3 years of eating out, sleeping late and stress has taken its toll on my body. To those people living with their parents or at least comfortably, I envy you. Luckily my lungs seem okay so I can still continue driving my motorcycle. I was afraid my lungs being jeopardized due to the amount of pollution I inhale during my daily transit to work. The only good news so far is that my fat levels are lower than average and my muscle mass is higher than average. No where near an athlete's level yet.

I would like to have an athlete's body though. Anyway, the thyroid issue seems genuine though. A simple search yielded information about symptoms for hyperthyroidism and I fit the bill. I have increased appetite, I hate sweating, easily irritated, frequent bowel movements and sometimes have difficulty sleeping. I thought the increased appetite is simply due to me exercising more nowadays and the bowel movements are the natural consequence of that. Well, I think I need to wait for the full medical report before I draw any conclusions. However, it is always better to figure out what to do in advance in case I am really diagnosed with it. If you are wondering how I got it, I overdosed on iodine, which may seem highly likely considering my current diet. I eat a lot of eggs, I drink a lot of milk and when I cook, I use iodized salt not realizing that there is already ample amount of it in dairy. Hopefully there is no permanent damage to my body. I am still young, I hope I can start my 30s being as healthy as possible so I could enjoy life then. I wonder how do athletes control their iodine levels. Could iodized salt be that lethal? Maybe I should stop consuming it for a while. The coming week is already the last week of September and I still haven't went to gym. Keep your eyes open for my monthly update post this coming Saturday.

A random blog post

I actually thought about this whole post while walking to lunch. Here I am once again sitting in front my laptop typing but this time with some pain around the abdominal area. I have once again pushed myself too far to the edge of injury. But I will still go for jogging later. Some of you might think this is suicidal. I actually thought about that as well. Am I subconsciously driving myself to self-destruction? Is this the same feeling I had around 5 years ago when I zoned out on the road and crashed my motorcycle? The scars are still very much visible until today. At the time of the accident, I didn't feel any regrets nor was I afraid. Maybe because it happened so fast I didn't have time to think. Was I really trying to kill myself indirectly? If you think about it more, this is no different than suicide. For all I preach, I too am susceptible to it and this scares me. But then again, nobody ever died due to over-exercise. It is the truth though that my mentality has been in a state of chaos recently. Maybe it is seasonal or maybe shit is really hitting the fan. A lot of times I find myself complaining to people, thinking negative thoughts, being overly critical and easily annoyed.

Far from the positive posts I put up recently, this is more or less my true feelings. Optimism might seem like self-deceit because hope without basis is nothing but a lie. I am not pessimistic about the future either because nobody knows what the future holds. However, I am very sure of the present state of things and judging from experience, if nothing happens, my predicted future will unfold. The Korean idol obsession has died down somewhat not because I lost interest but because of self-awareness. I couldn't continue being obsessed when I came to the realization I am only forcing my feelings of interest onto another person that is funny and pretty. She is only as high as I decide to put her in my heart. But nothing good will come up from there except for a distraction to reality. It is but a pleasant dream and if I do not wake up, how long will I continue to lie to myself? That is what idols do. Project an image of perfection for people to love and cherish. I still indulge in looking for videos and staring at pictures but underneath it all I know it is impossible and there is only emptiness. What I said is by no means the general representation of all the other fans but it is simply my opinion of myself and my feelings.

Work hasn't been very kind to me either. The workload is still okay but it is the treatment that I receive and the overall management I think. Recently I find myself recounting the things I have done in the past or my experiences. And that only shows that the present is somewhat lacking for me to look back. Funny thing is the time I spent in my first company is by no means enjoyable. So this means that my current company is having a worst outlook than my first company until the past seems more enjoyable. However, we do only remember the best things most of the time so what I say may not hold weight. Nowadays I find myself being reduced to a glorified errand boy. I have no more energy to project opinions or argue suggestions. After fighting for more than a year, I have finally knelt down I think. Past projects are not very successful and I will be judged alongside those projects even though I gave 110% to it. No matter how good I am, how much effort I put into, it does not matter because the project tanked. So what is my skill worth? How am I different from a typist now? I fear I may never gain recognition for the things I do and I will be stuck in this position for a long time. Thoughts of quitting have surfaced thanks to the recent job alerts I received from numerous job portals.

Day in, day out I struggle with my feelings and my thoughts. I want to cry, I want to scream and I want to simply lie on the bed being dead in the eyes. Now I look forward to my exercise sessions. With each push I know I am gaining something in return. With each stride I yell inside me, releasing the pent up anger and stress. But I know this is not the way to live my life. Even with all this exercise, my mindset will destroy me in the end. I may require psychiatric help in the future. But I can only hope that I do not need it. As the days pass by, salvation seems more and more unlikely. I feel very sad when I listen to slow and emotional ballad songs. Sometimes I try to avoid those. You can only feel the sorrow when you have your own sad story. It is the same that you can only imagine the feelings involved in a romantic comedy when you have fallen hopelessly in love with someone before. This is not a suicidal declaration nor is it a plea for attention or help. This is my way of expressing myself. One does not simply be concerned when someone sang an emotional song during karaoke. So just treat this post as one of those songs. Or just listen to the background song.

August 2012

It is once more time for my monthly update. Surprisingly on this month of festivities I did not have the opportunity to rest and I think I have lost weight. More on that later. My upper body figure did not change much I think.

My torso looks like it lost a lot of weight and is a bit flabby. Well, it was a hectic month after all. Let me start from the Hari Raya holidays. I went back to my hometown Ipoh to meet up with friends as well as to recover my health. I am not sick but I was hoping I could sleep as much as I want to and eat as much as I want to. I was very wrong about the sleeping part. Again I was brought out by my neighbourhood friends to pubs, yumcha sessions and gaming. This is the very same thing that happened last time. Once I went back Ipoh but did not notify them because it was only a short holiday. However, somehow it didn't feel right. At the very least, the pub we visited had awesome crew members that dance Gangnam Style as well as a handful of other Korean songs. I was very tempted to embarrass myself but thankfully managed to refrain before I regret for the rest of my life.

When I came back from the trip, it was time for me to concentrate on a big project I was assigned to. In summary, it wasn't a complete failure but it wasn't a complete success either. The weight is very heavy. I lost some sleep trying to make sure the launching ceremony went through without a hitch. But even now I am still cleaning up mess after mess. At first I was contemplating if the blame rests squarely on me but I came up with a good way of expressing the problem statement. Imagine you are selected to represent your country in badminton for the Olympic games. However, your country can only provide you with a bad racquet. You did not win any medals during the games. Who do you blame? Your own inadequacy or the equipment you were provided? Now in the aftermath, will you keep on practicing knowing that the next Olympic games you might be faced with the very same situation? It is not entirely your fault but you can't blame your country either. You will never know the answer since there is nothing for you to compare with.

Going back to personal development, I will be moving to an office with gym facilities soon. Of course I need to pay but at a greatly reduced price. So the pictures I posted today will be the last pictures that I can claim 'gymless' because I finally decided to utilize a gym to see what I am truly capable of. I am still consuming ordinary food you can buy from supermarkets or coffee-shops. Earlier I had my dinner at a mamak stall. Maybe this will change soon as well. In another front, I was reminded of how my unpredictability frustrates people. I think my social skills improved a lot but it is still nowhere being good I guess. Communication is key in this case. I need to make my issues clear but so does the other party so that we could improve on our friendship. However, I can blame the recent issues for my sudden outburst. At least those stressful situations are useful for being an excuse. Feels like my life has been cut short by a few years within the span of 2 weeks. Hope things will resolve soon. Take care and enjoy the long weekend for Malaysians~

Exciting month

I decided to write this post because I know I will not be able to fit in all the updates into the monthly post due next week. This month has been very exciting with changes in almost every aspect of my life. I am still single though. First of all, I finally moved to a new place. I can't be taking my laptop all over the place so here is a snapshot of my room

The room is very comfortable compared to where I used to stay. I don't want to spam this post with pictures so please check my Facebook account for a snapshot of the infamous indoor window in my ex-room. Of course it is a rather steep price hike but good things are not cheap. After staying for 2 weeks, so far so good. I am still not familiar with my housemates and they don't seem too keen to mingle around so I don't mind the status quo. 

My second update being the purchase of my new pair of shoes. It may not seem like much but the purchase is long overdue. I changed my entire exercise routine to focus more on strength training simply because I couldn't run on the track anymore without risking injury with my old shoes. Without further ado, another picture.

It looks expensive but I assure you, it is not. As long as I can run properly, I am happy. I went for a short jog earlier today to gauge my current stamina. Found out I can only run half of how much I used to run previously. I got a lot of work in front of me. I think I can have everything now. Both stamina as well as strength. At the very least, I will try my best.

This is not a new update but I just manage to pick up the item when I return home for the public holidays recently. A month or so ago, I spent some money to buy myself a ticket to a small concert or a showcase as they name it of a female Korean idol group. This is the first time I actually spent money on a musical performance of any kind. I have never attended concerts or performances since form 1 I think. Picture proof below.

 

It is none other than T-ARA. They were the subject of my grief a few posts ago when they announced that one of their members will be leaving the group. It is true we can never predict the future. I hope nothing else will happen and I will be able to attend the showcase and leave feeling content. I was only a fan of the member who left after she cut her hair so I guess the impact is not that big. But she does have some vital parts in some of the popular songs which makes me curious as to how they will handle it.

I know I will probably receive some flak for complaining about no money after I publish this post but the money comes from my piggy bank with money I saved up. However, there is another thing I learnt recently, forsake them the same way you were forsaken. An eye for an eye. I can never claim to be better than them, but at least I will feel better inside. And I can save myself from future heartache. It is a pity that some relationships have to be ended this way. 10 times I said hi, 10 times I was ignored. If you only reply when you feel like it, what does that make me? It is too tiring to be better or to be good. I will still try my best to improve myself but it is a long and painful road. This applies to both my mental and also my physical aspect. Be prepared to check out my upcoming post next week. I don't think my body improved a great deal since end of July but with my recent trip back home, I hope I managed to flesh out my body more with home cooked food.

Remind yourself

Looking at the title, I bet you will be thinking that I am going to start being depressed of the current state of affairs in my life. Again. I know it took me a while but I have a better idea. I will try to remind myself of how far I have come for a change.

I am sure some of you have seen the picture above. Yeah, I merged some of my progress photos that I have in my Facebook account. The first one is actually in a private album because it is obviously pretty embarrassing to show it even to friends. Some of my friends gave encouraging comments stating that the difference is very visible. I am very happy upon getting them. Compliments are always welcomed for the ego. A great source of motivation to increase my efforts as well. My progress is nothing compared with some others but at least it is an achievement I can proudly call my own. I did it my own way, within some unfavorable constraints and I think it is only logical that I take credit for everything I have done. Anyone could have done the same provided they have the same amount of dedication as well as resources. I am not born with a fit body. I was 88kg for crying out loud. If you are handicapped, then sure, I understand your standpoint.

On another hand, if you know me from back then, I guess you would have never even imagined I could turn out like this. I myself would not have believed it back then either. But this is how it is. I dare say at the very least I look better. We live in a society that generally favors those that provide a good impression. I do not have the financial capability to deck out my appearance with top-end clothing or gadgets. I am still using a standard handphone. But what I can do is at least make that cheap T-shirt look like it is worth more. To some guys, and to most girls, why not just make the small step to be what you could be? Some girls have a very cute face but the body seems unhealthy. What is wrong with being healthy? To be pretty, to be desirable is something females like as much as materialistic possessions right? I do not look awesome, nor am I born with a handsome face, but at least I do not have belly fat or a double chin. How many of you cringe when the guy with awesome arms and face removes his shirt only to reveal flab?

Some people I know are apparently having doubts regarding their choices. Thankfully I am still able to hold strong to mine. If you do not commit everything to your choice, you will definitely end up with nothing. If you chose money, you are bound to sacrifice the other aspects of your life for it. Remind yourself of your position, your target and your distance from it. Review what else you are gaining from the journey. I chose life, and I sacrifice most materialistic gains for it as well. I dedicate everything to it, make the most out of my choice. I believe whatever I wanted to, not knowing if it will provide expected returns. With each tired push during my workouts I pushed away my doubts. It has got to work. It got to the point where I told myself, it will work. Now, happy with some small gains, I carry on. With the recent Olympic games going on, take inspiration from them. They prepared 4 years for uncertainty. Some win some lose. How many years we spent on our choices? We are nothing compared to them. And I aspire to at least match their dedication in my own way. I may lose in terms of monetary property, I may lose in the social game but I told myself, I will not lose in willpower, the one thing everyone is equal in. In a fair field, I will prove myself in my own way. As dedicated as you are in looking for money, I am dedicated to living my life. As your bank account swells, so will my knowledge, my experience and my soul. It is okay if you think you are better, because I am the one who keep tabs for myself.

Slapped by reality

Finally something that I fear has happened. Just like that, in the span of one day, one of the idol groups I have been worshiping kicked out a member. I thought it will never happen. Not until I go and watch their concert. Not until I save up enough money to support their albums. Not until I visited their recording studio at South Korea. But reality never gave me the chance to show how much I cared. It was taken away from me coldly. Never again will I see them perform in a full unit. Never again will I hear her singing the favorite parts of the song. You might say I am over-reacting to this, but what happened to them can apply to all other facets of life. This is simply a small example reality is showing me. Reality is slapping me in the face with the fact that anything and everything can be taken away from me at anytime without warning. I was not allowed even this small luxury, this small indulgence of cheering for one of my favorite idol groups. Which idol group will fall next? Am I suppose to assume that each concert they perform might be their very last? Am I suppose to assume that anything I cherish could be taken away from me in an instant? No matter what I do?

I have already realized that things do not last forever. I have already been trying my best to save money in order to afford a concert ticket, to travel overseas, to enjoy what I truly desire. Was it too much? What am I allowed to wish for? What am I really entitled to? It feels that no matter what I do, it will be futile. But I have no way of finding out what my efforts will lead to until I try it out. Almost everything is unpredictable. In a crossroad, we can never take both paths. We can only choose one. And whenever we hit a wall in our path, we tend to wonder if this is the right path. Even though deep down we know the only way is forward, we will still wonder about it because this is human nature. I wonder if one can be so confident that there will be no doubts in each step. Blind faith? I also realize there is no sympathy in reality. If you flip a coin, the odds of it showing tails every time can be regarded as the same as showing heads. That is simply how it should be. Thus the term 'shit happens'. Because that is how it is. There is no guarantee that good things will happen after a series of unfortunate events.

When there are times that what I wished for is handed to me in a silver platter, I will be too ignorant to cherish it and behave foolishly. I do not know how to react when something good happens to me. In the back of my head there are more fear than happiness. I freeze, I panic wondering if I should take it or not. Sometimes I wish I can stop looking at shadows in every corner and simply focus on the flowers in front of me. Perhaps it is something that I need to learn and master. I have no idea where to start, but I guess at least there is a general direction in what I should be improving. I never enjoyed dwelling on my thoughts but sometimes things just come. Everything I have described are simply some of my insecurities in life. Each time I fall into a hole, I need to dig myself out. People may try to help, but sometimes it ended with them unintentionally burying me even more. I know that I have issues and I am not strong enough so there is no need to reiterate how weak I am. Must I walk around eggshells even when I am trying to express my fears and seek support?

Everything comes to an end

Somehow this topic kept on ringing in my head for a while. Don't worry I am no where near suicidal yet but everything comes to an end in life right? Nothing lasts forever and usually it ends before we are ready for it. Of course nobody would want to prepare for the end while whatever it is still lasts since that will completely destroy the moments. However, we will end up with deep regrets most of the time. We can try to reduce the amount of regret by not procrastinating but it is only on best effort basis. Circumstances will not allow things to end perfectly unless you are really lucky. Sometimes reality helps to ease the pain by providing a replacement of sorts, a new beginning if you will. Sometimes you need to look for it yourself. Funny thing is, sometimes the end is determined by yourself. If you choose to accept it, or to give up, then that is all. But it might not be the same for the other party if there is one. Today I realized that I cannot rely on relationships of the past anymore. And I also realized some relationships never really ended. It might simply be my naive assumption but I choose to be optimistic this time around.

Many things are beginning for me as well. I have settled for a room in a house a few streets away. It is within walking distance so I can move in at my leisure. Most importantly, I can move by myself. I will just carry the boxes one by one. The house is a fully rental house so there will not be a television set or Astro anymore. Something that I may or may not have to give up. That is something to think about when I could afford more luxuries. Currently my bank account is bleeding with my new laptop purchase already. Now with the added room rental costs, my finance management skills will be thoroughly tested. Unless some miracle happens at the office and I end up with increment or a bonus. My new motto is never live never know. Before you try a chance, you need to live until there is a chance right? Too early to give up. The new laptop is a great addition to my entertainment since it is a top end model. I can play practically any game in the market. However, the problem is getting some of the older games that I missed. They don't even exist in those piracy websites anymore.

A laptop is never a replacement for a television set. For me, the television is the life of a household, it is where every member of the house congregates and spend time. This is why we have a place called the 'living room' in our houses. I am not sure about the others, but I am not really a fan of spending all my time in my room. Even now, my room's door is open. Well first of all it is for ventilation but secondly I feel more comfortable having it open. I have always been a 'people' kind of person deep inside. Somehow I got stuck in my room during my university days and I ended up being depressed most of the time. I feel that I am only truly living now. I am surprised at who I am recently. I come up with all this stupid ideas, I take photos and I find motivation in the most unlikely of things in my life. I am glad that I am able to get closer to all that I can be. I do not think it is appropriate to say that this is not me or the guy in the past is not me. It is incorrect to say I am fake either. We evolve, we grow and we change for the better or worst. It is simply a sign that we are living and not dead inside. We gain more angles to our personality and we become more colorful. What else will I discover tomorrow? Who will I be in 5 years time? I just need to run forward to find out. Easy.

July Update~~

Considering I am a web developer I guess I can do this much. Finally I can include 2 pictures in a post. And the pictures are now taken with my new laptop sporting a stronger webcam plus a datestamp. As you can see, there are subtle improvements to my physique but nothing too significant. Well, this kind of things take time and effort. So time and effort is what I am going to give. From the first picture I guess experienced bodybuilders would be able to spot that I have no chest actually. It only exists when I am in neutral where my arms are lowered beside. If I position my arms slightly back or over my head, you can see my chestplate aka bone instead of a toned chest. Furthermore, I took another picture with a timer to check out my back and sure enough it is as smooth as can be. I blame it on the lack of pulling exercise available to me in my room. I have never done a single chin-up for more than a year I think. For all my arm size is worth, I don't think it actually has tat much strength. However, I am seriously considering attending gym should my circumstances improve. There are a lot of exciting changes coming soon.

First of all, I am going to move. Yes, I am finally moving to a new place after staying here for 3 years. I guess it is about time that I change my environment as well. I do have a lot of restrictions here even though there are some benefits. Living with other people can be one of the best things to ever happen to me or the worst. It all depends on my future housemates. I have been going around the area here at Damansara Jaya diligently searching for room for rent. I have also dropped messages to friends in Ipoh asking if they are interested in sharing a room or even perhaps an entire house. It is quite risky but no harm asking I think. I will be moving most probably middle of August. Even though expenses will increase by a significant number, but I guess it is about time I started spending. It is an addictive thing. Once you start to enjoy life a bit more, it is harder to stop now. Life is meant to be enjoyed, but always only to a certain extent. One should never derive entertainment or pleasure at the heavy expense of one's own future or the well-being of others.

I am getting a strong headache now all of a sudden so I will try to cut this short. I have a lot to say actually but as usual most of them just disappears somewhere. I noticed a lot of traffic coming in simply because I changed the title of my blog. To those that came in hoping for information on Psy's Gangnam Style, I am sorry to say that you can only watch the MV here. I can't say that my blog reflects on the message delivered by the MV nor do am I able to say that I can live up to Gangnam Style. It is a fun song at best but to me, most importantly is to be yourself, be confident and simply conquer the world with your own style. I will try to live according to this mantra but it is not possible to follow it all the time. This is an important lesson I learnt while trying to uphold my principles. Be flexible. As I like to say nowadays, do not limit yourself to one thing or one decision, always be ready to accept something new and new worlds will open itself to you. That is all from me for now, most probably I will be posting more tomorrow. Take care and enjoy the rest of the weekends.

Room cooked food!

I am proud to report finally I have managed to cook a complete meal by myself. After thinking for a while, I decided to buy a pack of brown rice to try out. It came out a bit burnt instead but it is soft like normal rice. There is little to no taste at all though. Nothing a little bit of pepper can't solve. As you can see from the picture above, I have a piece of steamed chicken and some greens with cream cheese. This is as healthy as healthy could get. I should add in an egg though. On another note, I look flabby. I know it is hard to look slim while sitting down but then, I do wish my stomach is firmer. Holding my breath does not help things. It only sucks in the cavity around the chest not at the lower abdomen. I still have a long way to go. Today I read an article regarding body-building and I guess this is as much as I can manage without gym and supplements. Slowly but surely I will come to accept that this is as far as I can go. But before I give up completely, I will still keep up my routine as a healthy lifestyle investment as long as possible. I think I am above average already. And I intend to stay that way, for the sake of my self-confidence as well as my health.

As you may have noticed, I have fiddled with my blog layout as well as added annoying background music simply because it is awesome. I was toying with the thought of actually taking blogging to a serious level but what can I blog about? Of course it should be a commercial topic since not everyone likes to read the personal thoughts of a complete stranger. I am no food expert nor do I have a good camera to capture images. I can't talk about K-pop either since there should be a gazillion blogs out there dedicated to the same thing. So I guess it should remain as it is. I will be tinkering with my blog from time to time out of self interest. You never know what might happen. Anyway the reason for my sudden free time is because this week I totally abstained from hanging out at the cybercafe. Even though cheap but the frequency of my visits are taking its toll on my wallet and generally my future finances. I have been exploring things to do with my time but most of it are spur of the moment kind of stuff, nothing solid. Sadly, I have yet to start studying my Korean. I did manage to get a chunk of office work done so tomorrow should be a bit open. Being able to work at home is awesome.

I intend to sleep early tonight since I couldn't take a nap in the afternoon. Even though I feel tired but my thoughts wander around when I tried to sleep. I guess it is simply my eyes being tired of staring at the screen whole day. It is no different from a normal weekday. Nevertheless I will provide my body with ample rest so that I will recover perfectly for my workout tomorrow. Referring back to the article I read, I cannot really measure the distance between workout intensity since I have never touched gym equipment but I know for sure the diet is very different. The meals I can still emulate but the amount of supplements that guy consumes is very very amazing. I am actually surprised you need that much to pump and maintain your body at that level. I always thought I simply lack the whey protein but in fact it was much more than that. Hopefully at the very least I will be able to cut out more fat from my body even though I will not end up very muscular. That is my main goal. I am actually trying very hard already considering my extremities are skinny. Maybe my body clings to the last bunch of fat around my abdomen since I do not eat that much anymore. I will need another month to find out. That's all, take care and good day~

Updates and questions

I was getting bored sitting in my room and so I find myself here again. Sorry that I still haven't update my Facebook display picture. Pretty lazy lately. For the previous week I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep due to mosquitoes or midnight toilet breaks. My work performance dwindled severely on Thursday as I stayed up late to catch a health show repeat. I couldn't even think properly as my thoughts scatter. I jump straight into bed right after work, waking up in time for dinner. Never underestimate the call for food. Thankfully, since I decided to stop going to cybercafe completely, I have been able to catch up with sleep today. I am not fully recovered yet since I still yawn in the middle of day and that is what Sunday's are for. I think 2 day's worth of rest and relaxation should be enough to reset my brain in preparation for the coming week. My project's deadline is approaching fast. Furthermore, I think the reason my muscle development hit a plateau is due to lack of quality rest as well. Hopefully, I will be able to perform better during my exercise sessions to maximize my gains. Judging from my own observation, there is little growth but more towards firming the entire frame. Maybe I should try bulking up but it may look horrible.

I have been thinking lately, what is in a name? To the Chinese, a name usually consists of the family name and followed by meaningful characters. For me, it simply means 'respect' and 'glory' or 'pride'. My brother's name is actually paired with mine as his middle name means 'ancestor'. So my parents hope both of us will be filial and honour our lineage and ancestry. However, if you put mine together it means I respect glory. Indeed I do. I respect high-achievers, people who are capable or skilful in their field. But it is does not mean everything to me. It simply is something that I value more than other aspects of a person. More on this later, better finish up this segment first. Some western countries do not share the same opinion on a name though. To them a name is only something to call someone with. It does not specifically need any meaning whatsoever. It is a fact that common names nowadays are based off terms from Latin or other languages but to the common man, there is no meaning. Of course a person does not become a criminal by simply having a negative term in his or her name. It is a general rule that every parent would like their offspring to do well in life and lead a meaningful existence so usually all names are positive.


About wealth, I have negative opinions of people with wealth. Most of them that I have met spends money easily. Of course they are allowed to do that because it is their money. But that does not mean I can do the same. When I try to explain, they just look at me like I am lying about my financial situation. How thick can they be? Call me naive, but come over and prove me wrong. Call me bitter or jealous but I also dislike people who buy things simply because it is the trend and defies all common sense. How come they could do that whereas people with better money sense are stuck with pennies? I know I have been visiting this topic very frequently but such is the frequency that I bump into people like that. They do not share the same definition of money as the people who needs it. The view and perspective are totally different. To have financial freedom and stability is a luxury. If I have it, I would have joined people for a trip to Korea. I would have joined people for concerts and outings. But my income is not as strong as it is supposed to be. People ask me to invest but I do not have that much to begin with. I am much too afraid to try with whatever little amount that I have right now. Most probably I will still be riding my motorcycle for quite some time.

Last question, I seriously do not understand how a person can switch partners so quickly while others stay single for much longer. I do not remember if I have visited this topic before but it is something I have always been curious about. I always wonder how does a person manage to get a new partner in less than 3 months after the break up. Is it an underground affair all this while? Or fate is really that efficient? Is the previous relationship worth nothing? At least to me, it reflects rather badly to the person. Of course if the couple ends up happily ever after I will eat my words but I have seen people jumping from one to another for a few times. Do they never learn? Or I am simply thinking too much? What about those that did not enter a relationship for a long time after a break up? Are they still hoping to get back together? Is the trauma so great that you do not believe in another member of the opposite sex anymore? Playing it safe and decided not to rush things? I do understand there is no right and wrong in the matter of love nor is there a measuring standard that applies to all. This is simply the opinion of an observer with no personal relationship experience whatsoever. So you can disregard everything I have said or just sit down and look at the people around you. Do not get me started on couples that marry early. That's it for now, I hope it has been a thought-provoking read.

The decision to change

Well my current thoughts are a bit too much to compile into a sentence for Facebook so I guess a very short post is in order. This is my blog so I do have the right to do whatever I want. Finally I have deleted the people I mentioned in my previous post. I hope they do not mind and I actually gave one last try to at least know why I was isolated in the first place. Maybe they never thought of it that way, maybe I was overthinking things but I know that I didn't even deserve an answer. Perhaps I have always been the weird dude or the unapproachable depressed guy. I never got a second chance to prove myself a better person. Hopefully I won't be making the same mistakes with the rest of my friends or what is left of the pool. Safest approach would be to keep them at a distance but that is not a healthy friendship I guess. Well the first step would be to actually find people to relate with. Or change my display picture in Facebook. I think I will do that soonest possible.

I have also decided to stop my cybercafe adventures. After much procrastination, I will start on those online Korean lessons. I honestly need something to stimulate my brain and to stop draining my financial resources. I guess that is all for personal changes. The later half of the year should be much more interesting with developments on all the different fronts. By next month, I vow to grab a pair of running shoes and start running again. Currently I am doing strength training in my room 3 days of the week and I guess I will sneak in the running every other day. I will stop with leg training and rely purely on the burn from running. Pure strength is actually great if you want to lose weight and build muscles but it does nothing for cardiovascular health or stamina. What use is a properly toned pair of legs when it couldn't carry you 10 or even 5km? Guys with muscles but without cardio are at risk of suffering a heart attack just like any other guy. Like I said, I have always been searching for an overall healthy approach. Speaking of health, I think I should go sleep now.

Power of words

Just a short post. Words hold a very great power. It can create and destroy at the same time. Saying the correct words at the correct time is one of the keys to success in life. With words you can convince someone to trust you, to buy your products or to hire you. With words you can win the girl of your dreams. Or lose her. With words you can destroy 10 years of friendship. The same goes for unspoken words. If you hold it in for too long, afraid of the consequences, it might create a much more severe scenario. If you missed the chance to express yourself, the chance may never present itself to you ever again for the rest of your life. Can you blame someone to make a mistake with words then? However, what you know does not represent that the other party knows the same. They may not be aware of how strong words can be. And you wouldn't know. Some people prefer to treat words lightly and follow the old saying that action is more important than words. But when action is not available, you can only rely on words.

Today I posted a comment here http://dontlikethatbro.blogspot.com/2012/07/bros-those-three-words.html#comment-form in response to a funny comic that the author drew. I guess I got the inspiration for this post from it. But then there is a quote running in my head for a while now and I was already looking for a way to elaborate on it so this is a good chance to do so. To quote the lyrics from a song 'Before the tears dry up'. Different people will interpret this differently. But to me, it simply means before it is too late. When someone is crying over something you did, you can still try to salvage the situation by explaining yourself, correcting the error or take responsibility in some way. When the crying stops though, the wound has healed and the scar will always be there as a reminder of the pain. At that point, it is almost impossible to erase it. Somehow the words seem very meaningful to me and has stuck with me ever since I first heard the song. To drive someone to the point of crying, it must have been terrible. If I saw tear stains I don't think I will know what to do.

But now there is something I know I have to do. As part of my 2012 changes, I have decided to remove more people in Facebook. Facebook is a double-edged sword. You can share your happiness, meet up with friends and find new ones while you grow jealous of people and remember the bad things the others did. Many people simply do not wish to handle the awkwardness of bumping into people that you removed from Facebook. But then again, is it worth the anguish you feel? I have been isolated in the past and now I am still being isolated in the present. It is clear that I am an unwanted 'friend' or 'contact'. It is like a cruel employer purposely tormenting an employee in hopes that the employee will quit. Perhaps they have no intention of doing the same to me in a social setting but that is how I honestly feel. Confronting them seems like a fool's errand. Thus, I will grant their wish. I do not blame them because I know I am hard to deal with as well. I hope this will end in good will. If it does not, there is nothing I can do either. Life goes on and hopefully I can deal with life without all of you. Thank you for the time in the past. But it is already time to let you go.

Mundane

Recent days seem rather mundane to me. I have been stuck in the same project at work for a while now. No new changes in the social or economic front. The new rice cooker I bought is only practical during weekends when I have more time to experiment. Currently my house owner should still be unaware of my purchase. I am still using my old phone and my old laptop. Everything is just fine I guess. That is my biggest problem somehow. Among the reasons why I am such a heavy thinker is because I have a very short attention span. I cannot settle down into a routine that produce the same or known results. When I have free time, either I totally shut down and bum out watching TV or I start thinking about different things just to keep myself busy.  According to my parents, the only way to keep me quiet is to record 2 hours worth of TV advertisements and position me in front of it. I would just stare at the flashy graphics and the weird people talking in the box. Imagine a 5 year old already requiring that kind of stimulus to keep him interested. Now I am 26. I cannot work well without playing music as it would seem too 'quiet'. I feel comfortable opening up conversations with more than 3 people since I find the average reply speed pretty 'slow' for my tastes. So how the hell am I supposed to settle into a daily routine?

My daily life is still littered with minor annoyances. Call it superiority complex but don't you feel irritated also when there are rude drivers or obnoxious people speaking loudly in a crowded place? I find that I still harbour a lot of negative feelings towards people as a whole. There was a rumour that my company being the subsidiary might be forced to return to HQ later this year. I have been to HQ and the culture there is very 'friendly' and 'cosy'. To me, it simply means more headaches dealing with people. If I could find a corner seat, I would gladly take it. Let me slip on my headphones and I will deliver my work. Just don't disturb me. I am already making the assumption that having increased interaction with people would only increase annoyance. I am already accustomed to it and it really feels like that is the only way I can function properly. Maybe I am just afraid of history repeating itself. I would rather keep people at a safe distance away than to be isolated by 'friends'. It is like what someone posted in FB earlier today, asking what is the reason they add a person as a friend if they are just going to be quiet? It is like introducing yourself and then just continue talking to your own group of people. I will start deleting people in my list by this weekend. If sharing content, commenting or messaging is going to be a chore, then why bother right?

Referring to my post yesterday, I wish to add in about my obsession with skill or talent. Even though I usually judge people based on how they treat me first, I have a different rating system for skill. Since young, I have always disliked rich or influential people who inherited the privilege. The only reason they have what they have is simply because their parents earn it for them. Not because they are capable. Not because they are smarter than me. Maybe it is just my external projection of extreme jealousy but it is actually a double-edged sword. I have the utmost respect for people who have skill no matter their background. It will seem much more impressive when they do not rely on family support. But this way of thinking is flawed as well. Not everyone is blessed with a skill or talent. To think that hard work would suffice is very idealistic. There are walls that you will never be able to climb over simply through hard work. As for me, without financial wealth or other favourable privileges, the only thing I can rely on is honing skills. Anyway, simply put, I am a very bitter and complicated person I guess. I am those people that think reality itself is against me. Asking me to be grateful for what I have is useless since I will also remind myself of what I lack as I reflect on my life so far. Will I be able to change? Only time will tell. Onwards to tomorrow then.

More thoughts

Blogging is actually an enjoyable thing to do, provided you got time. It is very beneficial in a lot of ways. You can use it to express your thoughts, your feelings be it negative or positive. Of course it is always better to keep it positive since stuff like this tend to feed itself. You recount the good things in life, you will have a brighter outlook. The opposite happens if you dwell around negativity. Once you get stuck in a downward spiral, it is hard to release yourself without intervention by another party. I know some people have high personal awareness and maturity but it is always better to avoid rather than cure when possible. The days have been kind to me I guess. I am just greedy for more stimulation. Good or bad, events and issues give you things to think about, things to focus on at the very least. I am the kind of person that feels restless and flustered when I couldn't find a goal or couldn't make a clear decision. I do not like leaving things to circumstance or fate. Of course it is obvious that I hope I can control things as much as possible to avoid regrets or simply unnecessary trouble. But I also have a bad track record with fate in certain aspects of life. I am still alive and healthy though, and I hope I can keep it that way.

But circumstances are a fact of life. You cannot avoid dealing with circumstances if you want to continue living. What you can do is to steel yourself, try to prepare yourself and solve it the best way you can. It helps if you can find someone to support you along the way but even if you can't you still need to solve it. There is always a solution, either you didn't know, you are lazy or it is not beneficial to you. At that time, just choose the lesser evil I guess. Not all decisions are easy to make. That is why it is such an important skill to have either in your field of work or in your personal affairs. We need to accept that we cannot win in everything. Life is about give and take and coming out the winner in the end with a positive profit. I am also painfully aware that not everyone will be able to do that but at the very least give it your best shot. We only get to live once, make everything count. Sometimes it is easier to accept an unfavourable result when you know that you have already done whatever you can. Since reality dictates that you will fail, you can rest easy as there is nothing else you can do and there will be no regrets. The catch is that we won't know until we give it a try. There is no harm in trying when there is nothing else to lose. If you can't avoid losing, try to sneak in a small gain. If it was a miracle turn-around, I am sure it will serve as a wonderful memory. Don't give up.

I am already sick of people telling me positive advice on how to be positive or how to view my life. Good things do not always come to those who wait and sometimes not everyone is destined for a fulfilling and happy life. That is just the way it is. But I never stopped living my life. I have to prove them wrong or just fulfil whatever destiny that I have. To me, this is a win-win situation. Either way, I benefit somehow. Recently, I told someone that it is much more fun to dream. Of course the reply came back asking when will I wake up. My answer is easy and direct. If the promised day never comes, then life is simply a dream for me. If one day I finally get my chance, life would be fulfilling I guess. If it never comes, then life would just be me passing by this reality. It would be too idealistic to think that everyone will be able to live up to everything  that life has to offer. That too is a fact of life. But at the very least, see it through until the end. Some people only discover their life's calling through extraordinary circumstances. I am still waiting and is open to whatever reality 'suggests'. I am currently working as a web developer but who knows if I will be working in a different industry 5 years from now? I have never surrendered my future. I still need to feed myself and also support my family as much as possible. I am simply doing what I can do in the meantime, even though it might not be what I am supposed to do.

I have also been noted that I am rather harsh in judging people. It is very true. Maybe because people judge me a lot or simply because I am very strict with my principles. An eye for an eye. If you call me stupid, I will be willing to accept that moniker if you are smarter than me. If you eat your own words in the future, I will view you with extreme prejudice. If you come over with a superior tone, I will obey. I tend to give people the benefit of a doubt at first glance. Once you show an inferior display though, do not expect me to continue bowing. I try to follow my own rules all the time. I swear at people but I seldom call people stupid nor do I go about telling others what to do. I understand how annoying it could be. I guess this more or less explains one of the reasons why my social circle never grows. It is hard to even communicate with me since I will mark all of your words. However at least I do not nitpick and I do know not to take something literally all the time. I honestly hate that kind of humour. I don't get to show my displeasure all the time though. In the end, life revolves around relationships with other people. I realize a bit too late that I won't get too far if I do not take care of relationships, fake though it may be. To enjoy a true and honest relationship is something that seems to be too far to even wish for now.

Recollection

I think the title is suitable for this post because thanks to the comment I received for my June post, I have been thinking why I act like I did and how I can improve myself. There is no argument with the point made, however, it is not to say I do not have my own opinion.  I am reminded about how someone I know in the past talked about me 'needing' other people as well. She was apparently disgusted that I do not live for myself and find happiness in others. I am not sure if I really felt that way more than 10 years ago(?) but perhaps I meant that my life is not my own and I find joy in helping others and being an influence in the lives of others. My path, my feelings and my thoughts are not crafted by myself alone. I came this far via the advice, opinions, experience and feelings of others. And my future is not meant to be handled selfishly either. Which filial son do not wish to repay his parents? Which responsible husband do not wish to provide happiness for his wife? If I think only for myself, I dare say I will not be the person that I am today. I do not know if it is wrong to say I practically live for others but I still find joy in my day to day life by myself. Much to my chagrin, I do not have that many friends to hang out with and I am living independently in KL.

Onwards to my opinion on friends. First of all, people seldom do feel regret or bad once they hurt someone unless that person is very important and it was an accident or misunderstanding. We are constantly aware of what we do or say contrary to popular belief. Words hurt because it was filled with intention to hurt. It is the same with actions. I am sure everyone have 'friends' that are 'expendable'. They are nice to have but if the friendship ends, nothing much either. To me, I try not to handle friendship that way. A friend is a friend to the end. Growing up in Ipoh with the influence of gangs and perhaps TVB dramas, me and my neighbourhood friends have a strict code of loyalty. I still keep in touch with them even when I lost touch with secondary school friends and university friends. Therefore, a person is either a real friend or just a person I know. Either I keep you very close or I keep you very distant. My view on this might seem to be a bit over the top and serious for most which is not preferable. If I want to continue about my past experiences with bad people, it will take me the whole day literally. So to sum it up, before you judge someone for who he is now, why not try to spare a thought as to why he is so? If you can view people in a positive light, then spare me the benefit of a doubt that 'perhaps he has been hurt real bad'.

Of course I never wanted to doubt people. I have always wanted a peaceful and joyful life with my colleagues and the people I know. It is a win-win situation for everyone if it really turned out that way. On another note, this might come out as being sexist, but I think gender plays a role in how you view friendships. Though generally most of it is the same I guess. I am not too sure but coming from my observation, I find that females are better at keeping friends and keeping a straight face while throwing daggers. Isolation is one of the most painful things to happen to any person and I see it quite often when you are not part of the 'popular' group or you share a different opinion. Are we supposed to bend unconditionally in order to have 'friends'? What value does these 'friends' have then? Life as we know it grows complicated exponentially in time. When we are young, a name is all we need. Now people consider 'value' and 'attraction'. Well this post seems like I am nitpicking on the comment but please do not think of it that way. As you say, perhaps the reason why I have few friends is because I do not trust them in the first place. Both parties are waiting for each other to trust and in the end we come out stalemate. Much like a relationship. I think I should stop here since it seems like the topic keeps on growing and I am very very sleepy. Take care.