Disappointments and me

I am sorry to say but there has been a bit too much happening today and thus it is almost impossible for me to properly blog this out. I think this is the first time I am so pissed off about things that I just want to go to sleep. Maybe it is just because today is the 29th of February. I don't know. I never wanted to count. I never wanted to see. I never wanted to remember. I never wanted to care. But how am I supposed to ignore it when you shove it up my face? How am I supposed to simply pretend everything is alright when you just made it worst? How can I act content when what I can only see is everything that I do not have? I have given up so much in exchange for that slight hope that things will be different. What more do you ask of me? Is it too much to ask of you? I should have never placed hope. At least not there. At least not on you. And tomorrow things will happen all over again. Once more I have only myself and a handful of distant people I can trust. Once more it will be a solitary struggle. Me and my idealistic delusions.

Judging from the topic you should already have seen it coming. Reading back on my words it sounds so dramatic as if taken from a script. But that is the only way I can relay my feelings using my rather limited vocabulary. Some of you would wonder what use is it to vent all my anger and frustration here? The people involved wouldn't be any wiser tomorrow or the day after. Like it or not I still need to face them. And I could do well without having more trouble. If it is simply my emotions getting the better of me, I think releasing it somewhere without harming anyone else is the best way to do it. Some of them are innocent. I mean they are who they are. It is just me or the circumstances that surround me and them during that moment. It is always wrong to penalize someone for something that is truly unintentional. And I choose to give them the benefit of a doubt. I have to learn to let go unless I want to end up being alone all the time. Some people say I shouldn't need to put up with this all the time. I guess I can only say that I only do what I can. Take care everyone, and enjoy Thursday.

Personas and me

Once again I am touched by how strong a person can be and how cruel reality can be. Most of us want nothing more than to enjoy our short lives. What does a person need to do to warrant such a punishment? How strong must a person be to withstand it then? I don't know if I could even last that long. It was really an eye opener to see such a cheerful person concealing so much that we are not aware of. I must be pretty much selfish and useless to be complaining about my life then. I will work harder to be at least half as strong as you. Truly, that was really one of the few moments ever which could even bring me close to shedding a tear. I graduated from tearful Hong Kong dramas a few years ago and I thought I could handle almost everything now. I do have a rather emotional or sentimental side to myself but I don't get there usually with dramas. Maybe because I know it is fake and it is all scripted by people who brainstorm about how to make a story more tragic. Maybe what I saw was fake, I may never know. But my renewed motivation is real.

Onwards to my topic, it is about the multiple personas that everyone has. I don't think anyone is ever one-dimensional or is honest with everybody. The kind person may hide a spiteful persona underneath or the rude person may actually have another side to him/her. That kind of thing. I personally hide many different personas. The usual me has a limited sense of humour, indifferent to pretty much everything and tend to lose focus easily. Limited because I can honestly say, not all jokes sit well with me. Some people say I hide a calculative nature. Some people dislike me being such a 'fake' person. This was actually addressed by a comedian from a show I watched. He mentioned that if he were to complain about life, people would ask 'how can he still laugh like that?' and label him as a fake. If I am sad, must I cry in front of everyone? Would you do that? Even females try their best to smile should the need arises.

That is a very inaccurate accusation to me. But anyway, think what you will. As long as the people important to me know me well, I have no issues. And 'hide' is not exactly something I do. It is simply you do not care that much about me to understand the way I am. Nobody can hide their true nature for long periods of time without feeling tired or frustrated. I am too lazy to bother. Speaking of that, I do hide some of my comments in Facebook for fear of negative reaction from parties involved. Some people say it is a cowardly thing to hurl insults or accusations over Facebook. I think so too but that person is not in front of me now or it is simply stupid to invite trouble. And it feels good to voice out your dissatisfaction occasionally. I have a lot so I need to blog. Recently I created an account in another social media website and it is seriously fun. I am randomly adding people I do not know, simply spewing whatever I honestly feel like at the moment and to hell with privacy settings. The six degrees of separation have nothing on me when that website is not even natively English.

Don't you feel frustrated when you need to watch what you say in Facebook? I know people that do not care. It is admirable to a certain extent but it is not exactly that practical. Not everyone is as mature, sincere, or considerate as you. So whatever you say may cause unforeseen circumstances. And thus I dare say everyone has their Facebook persona. They behave differently on Facebook. Some become very polite or knowledgeable to display a different image or simply to impress their contacts on Facebook. Some become brave due to the anonymity of privacy settings or a secondary account and unleash all their pent up frustrations. It is simply human nature to have different ways of approaching different situations. Even if you are cheerful by nature, you should be angry when people hit you or something. I guess I have written enough for today. Take care and enjoy Wednesday!!!

Health and me pt2

I am getting more and more visitors from random countries due to the weird linking phenomena. Though I wish I can get more readers not for the money but just to know more people. As you can see, I have no ads in my blog. I will never subject readers to things they do not like. Such as random songs that play automatically spoiling my playlist or blinking ads that are distracting or not proper. Or forcing visitors to gaze at my picture the first thing they load. Today I am pretty much wasted as I attempted to match my usual routine with my new diet. I thought due to the 'forced' early retirement last Friday my body would have recovered enough to engage in a run today. I was wrong and I couldn't even do the cooldown lap. I was overheating and left gasping for air. I do not know if the run actually made things worst for my body or not but I most probably will rest tomorrow. I was left wondering how much I used to eat and how much I am actually lacking now.

This post will be focusing on health again because the previous post back in December did not really mention much about health except for my obsession. And me running in the rain. And pretty Korean idols. It was 6 paragraphs long too. Anyway I will not be matching that tonight because I want to sleep early for a change. What is the point of me talking about health if I am unhealthy in the first place? I do not claim to be very healthy at this point but I do think I am better than some? Actually the topic was meant to be about being overweight but I think that would be too specific. There was once a scandal in Korea where a group of male idols were caught 'insulting' overweight females. They were criticized harshly for their rude remarks and insensitivity but to me, they have a point. People tend to react badly when something bad that people say is correct and they feel guilty about it. So they shot back with a vengeance to cover it.

I too am guilty of this and that is why I think I am qualified to mention it. They mentioned that overweight girls are unattractive because it shows that they do not take care of their health properly. It is correct to say they should be more polite with their words but healthy people are usually not overweight right? I know some people gain weight easier than the rest but there are no known medical conditions that make weight control impossible yet right? If you say your job does not let you to take care of your weight properly, then does that mean your health is less important? If you do not take care of yourself, does that mean I should take care of you? And how would I expect you to cover my back when I need it? Perhaps I am cruel or rude but stop lying to yourself and think about it. Do you think a sick person would stand a better chance than a healthy person with all the other aspects being equal?

It is true that love is blind and we can never predict it. But health is something we can control most of the time. Of course I am not referring to hereditary diseases. I am sure most of you have seen how heart-breaking it is when a loving couple has limited time left. When a partner hides the news about having a terminal disease not wanting the other half to be sad. How can people be so selfish sometimes? If I came to you, knowing you have 3 months left I will have no qualms about it because I love you. If I came to you, and you destroyed your health leaving me to cope with the possibility of losing you, I will never forgive you. And I will never forgive myself. No matter what the reason was, I should have been able to provide you with a choice. I should have been richer, I should have been more capable and I shouldn't have asked so much of you. But regrets are worth nothing but tears on the ground and cries in the air. It will be too late then.

I am directing this post to everyone who smokes, take drugs or is simply unhealthy. I believe all 3 of them can be fixed. I have tried extending advice but what I found was hostility and ignorance. How can I just ignore you practically committing suicide slowly in front of me? I am not asking for gratitude, I am asking that you value your life more. Some people starve themselves halfway to death to lose weight. That is avoiding the issue. Even if I am of no importance to you then think about those who are. I know some simply say that healthy people die too. And everything would be pointless all the same. Why are you increasing the odds? Just to test a theory or proof a point? What good is there to be unhealthy? Tell me one solid reason and I will stop all this. I do not like to lecture, but if you are annoyed then do not expect an apology. Similarly, I am disappointed in you too.

This was a rather emotionally charged post due to the amount of people I know that currently smokes or ignores their health. I might just die earlier than them and they will come to my grave and gloat about them living longer. But if you die earlier than me, it would be just me asking on your grave, 'Why?'. All your arguments are based on the possibility that our lives are pre-determined. Maybe because I do not have a religion. I simply cannot understand or accept such an argument. Anyway, I think I have gone on long enough. Take care and enjoy Tuesday!!

Camera angles and me

I wasn't going to post this topic today but because the original was too depressing, might as well end the weekend on a positive note. Even though it wasn't very eventful for me. In fact it was kinda annoying with the houseowner's guests coming to stay for the weekend. I guess the bright side would be I managed to keep my exercises to a minimum. Else I would be spending the whole afternoon in front of the TV while doing something. My right arm still a bit sore after the badminton game. I guess I overexerted myself without realizing it. I wonder how does it work actually. Do I access 110% of my power for a given moment and then I pay dearly for it? Or the strength already exists but it is just that my current fitness level could not handle it without being sore? Well I shouldn't think too much about it and just concentrate on improving my body. And here is the progress picture of me with a twist:





As you can see I have also included the frontal picture of me for this month but doesn't look that much different from last month. I should keep the pictures to a minimum here so please refer to the post titled 'Holidays and Me' from January. I couldn't post the link here because it seems blogspot has a policy against linking to my own blog I suppose.

I decided to experiment with camera angles a bit to make certain people shut up about me lying with my progress. I know I still got work to be done but I am already very proud of my current status. So please let me enjoy the results of my effort. I am now very close to vertical abs or as I like to say 11s which are typical female abs. This is what happens when I work out without gym equipment or a proper trainer I guess. Anyway females usually do not go for 6-packs unless they are very dedicated. For me, I think the major point is to destroy the rest of the fat surrounding my stomach. It has been a long struggle and hopefully it will end soon. I am rather surprised how camera angles can change how something is perceived. Indeed it is a very interesting skill to master. I shall not laugh at people taking pictures of themselves anymore. This is it for today, take care and enjoy Monday!!

Chatting and me

I am seriously out of topics for today. Usually I complete all my chores on Saturday so I don't really go out except for meals or to take my laundry. Nothing really happens during the short trips and the rest of the day I am in my room facing the laptop or sleeping. Since I touched on having a good chat with friends, I guess why not concentrate on what is lacking from my day today. Though having a lot of outgoing friends usually throw plans and chores into chaos and sometimes we might end up regretting joining them later in the day. Well, we can't have it all and if you have the choice then by all means choose properly. I really do enjoy chatting with people and I think it is actually redirected here into this blog. Due to the nature of Internet, I am quite different here than my real life persona. Obviously, here I have no problems striking up a conversation with strangers over a common topic or event or someone both of us know.

I think that is the same for everyone. I have been relying on the Internet for most of my communication 'needs' since quite a while back. Though I still chat with friends during my school days, I always like getting to know people via online games. Because that is the only way that I can get to know people from overseas. Chatting with some of them is rather interesting though there are rude people sometime. Back then, there is no Facebook. Friendster only came into the scene after a while and even then we usually only add friends and the friends of friends. I dare say I am pretty good in games because I am willing to spend time and energy learning it and mastering it. Though usually at the expense of more important things. This is actually a bit similar with why I study a lot. If I am good in the game, people will welcome me and even ask for my assistance. I get the ego-boosting feeling that I am actually needed. Does that mean I have been an ego-maniac since form 5?

Or is this what they call a sense of belonging? Where you feel comfortable being yourself, doing what you do best without worrying about fitting in? I guess all of us are looking for something like that. I mean even in love we tend to find someone that will accept the entirety of our existence instead of just an aspect of ourselves. Anyway going back to chatting, I guess being social creatures we tend to indulge in the easiest method of communication available. Nowadays I try to stop playing online games to avoid addiction or worst, dependency. However, being the lazy person that I am, I learnt how to deal with being alone rather than go out and interact with people. But I am not much of an extrovert to begin with. Chatting with people online is not without issues. We tend to misunderstand the tone or meaning of messages and some do not reply instantly. I don't really like the feeling of being left hanging for 15 minutes.

Nothing can beat chatting with people face to face. I mean how can looking at a simple 'LOL' substitute the feeling of seeing someone laughing or reacting to your joke? Humour, honesty, sincerity, or feelings as a whole is very hard to express properly through words alone. But I still miss getting to know people in an international arena of sorts. Maybe I will join those friendship portals or something. But it is usually populated with swindlers or pranksters. I do want to know some Koreans or Japanese people because I might travel there some day. It will be cheaper and more fun having a homestay trip rather than staying at some expensive high-end hotels right? Furthermore I get a free tour guide at half the cost I reckon. Perhaps I should really consider it. My Facebook and MSN is populated with people who replies every half an hour or none at all. Things are so quiet now. It is simply fate that the people I love to chat is always busy while people that are free does not reply. Maybe they just hate me. Might as well go to sleep early. Take care and enjoy Sunday!!

Classes and me

First of all, let me highlight that today is the first time I experienced the carbohydrate crash phenomena. Or at least I hope it is. Else I need to find a doctor if my condition persists. A simply Google search reveals that the phenomena happens when a person who usually stocks up on carbohydrates attempt to cut down on it as part of a diet. Currently I am limiting myself to 2 bowls of white rice per day only. Sometimes I even ditch a spoonful of it by the side. I do not mean to waste, but I can't really control how much rice they serve me in restaurants. As most of you know, I can't cook at the place I am currently renting now either. Late morning snack is an egg while evening tea is an egg and an apple. After badminton on Wednesday night, I guess the carbohydrate energy stores in my body never got replenished properly. We already need them for normal daily activities so the deficiency gets severe when we exert ourselves which in my case is exercise. I can't even run a kilometre today before my stomach starts hurting and my breathing goes haywire. I am glad I listened to my body.

On another note, I attended a class organized by the upper management in my company. The speaker was pretty good as he was rather chatty and made things interesting instead of a standard lecture. I think I really did learn a thing or two there. Not everything can be found from the Internet or books. It is indeed rare when people share their real life experiences that actually resonate with our current situation or circumstances. And it is very fun when we tend to share the same opinion on similar issues. Looks like my 'gamble' this time was profitable because I am always sceptical about the contents of the classes and the lecturer's capabilities. Furthermore it is not like I do not have anything to do. A small amount of people skipped the class because they thought it was not worth it. Well I personally don't really like the idea of classes because it feels like we are going back to school. And school was rather bland for me.

But classes were almost my entire social circle when I am young. I live far from everybody and I never got my personal transport vehicle till I am in second year of university. I spend time with people in school and then I spend time with people in tuition. I enjoyed the hanging out part but have always hated the studying part. I still think Chemistry was a massive waste of time for me. And it was more of a memorization subject which was disadvantageous for me who already has no interest. Today's class was a chance for me to gain new experience with a different set of people than those that I see everyday. Sometimes you need the breath of fresh air. Helps when there are females too or generally people that share the same sense of humour as me. I get to learn more about people. I actually enjoy talking with people who actually bothers to listen or trade knowledge. I never liked being a promoter but I like being some kind of a product advisor. That is why I really enjoy working at PC Fair previously.

I still remember that I study a lot so that people will ask me questions in class. Since young I think my concept of human interaction is not normal. People might think that I am a show off with my knowledge, acting like a know-it-all. But that is the only way I could gain attention I thought. It was the only thing I know how to do. I like to treat people to sweets because I want them to be my friends. In a way, it is an innocent gesture but this is simply a trade off. Human contact is so valuable that we do a lot of things subconsciously to maintain them. Earlier I went to spend time at Tropicana City Mall and saw friends just lazing around the public seats. How I wish I could do that. Simply idling around chatting with friends while enjoying the environment. We only cherish what we do not have. That is human nature I guess. And it is also human nature that we learn, we adapt and we evolve. That's all from me, take care and enjoy Saturday!!

Direct and me

Today's post will be emotionally charged and a bit on the short side again. Maybe I should try to talk about my day first before starting. Well, this morning I felt the full effects of skipping badminton for 2 weeks straight and then attempting to be active for around 90 minutes. Later on I had some non-personal work related issues in the office and only managed to leave around 7.30pm. So now I am very tired which may explain the gloominess and laziness. Earlier I saw a show where one of the main characters approached a girl in a very direct and polite manner asking if she would date him. It was supposed to be funny but I find him very brave and it was something I wish I did. In the very same show, one of the heroines decided to distance herself from the man she loves because she assumes the man likes another girl. Furthermore the girl has a mental condition which requires constant care that the man is willing to provide. The heroine could not bring herself to stand between the both of them.

Sadly, that was what I did previously in a similar scenario. Even now I still like to think about that incident. Somehow it was a highlight in my rather stable and mundane life thus far. It was the only real drama I experienced and perhaps involved one of the most controversial decisions I ever made. I do not feel much regret or sadness anymore now. Anyhow, being direct means to address an issue head on and I think I qualify for that description. I am quite blunt too. Nowadays I like to voice my disagreements as well as take action should I find it necessary for my own priorities. Some people actually find me hard to converse with. I cannot rely on people all the time and the problem may escalate if I do not act quickly. Therefore, I start to grow independent and to some, I have become 'heartless' as I rationalize and put myself first before others. And yet, I am willing to suffer and isolate myself for the happiness of another.

True enough, that was a stupid thing to do because they may never know how much I sacrificed or the misunderstanding may never be cleared. Lastly, they might not even live happily ever after. So was it pointless? No, because I followed what my heart was telling me to do for once. At that time, it seemed to be the only thing I should do as me, Tye King Wai. The same with the heroine in the show. No matter what everyone thinks, if you cannot bring yourself to accept or to do something, then don't do it. Because there is no guarantee it would have worked even if you did otherwise. In a question with no right or wrong answers, just do what feels the best. This is actually me being direct with the issue instead of simply going with the flow I guess. Of course in a different scenario I would be more than happy to try asking 'Would you mind going out with me?'. Then it will be me being direct with the issue of asking her out. That's all from me, take care and enjoy FRIDAY!!!

Efforts and me

I am very tired and very messed up right now so I guess I should keep things very short tonight. I think I pulled a muscle during badminton and the huge pimple on my back is leaking. I got a huge spot on the shirt I wore during badminton. Hopefully it comes off after some soaking. Well I only have myself to blame for the muscle though. I was pushing myself while stretching yesterday and my current sports shoes is actually very slippery now. So it is almost inevitable that I will overstretch my thigh today. Thus the topic I chose to write about. I am no stranger to effort I dare say and sometimes I do overcommit. I tend to get carried away and become obsessed with putting more effort into it. But even then certain things just don't work out the way you hope they will. Life is like that. Take it positively and you can say this is what makes life interesting. Take it negatively, and you will feel everything is pointless.

But if you do not take action at all, things will definitely remain the same. At least you try to make a difference. If it doesn't change, then hopefully you benefit from it except for the knowledge that it does not work this way. When you really want something, you tend to find more ways to guarantee the most favourable result. Thus the effort obsession. Especially when it is something that you can control or at least influence directly. Sometimes things will get worst the more you try. So knowing when to step back or even to totally stop is very vital in getting through life. Everyone with a license can drive. But not everyone can drive professionally. And one of the skills is braking. Some people likes the process of pursuing something. It gives them purpose and gets them off the bed looking forward to the new day.

Not everyone is good at stopping or taking no as an answer. Hoping that more effort will change the results, they might end up alienating themselves and offending people around them. I am a living example I guess. I put too much effort into being 'me' whereas a little bit of flexibility on my part would have changed a lot of things. Of course there were numerous times where effort rewarded me nicely but the most important part is I must realize it. This is actually quite hard when the rewards only come later and sometimes when you least expect it. It is human nature to expect feedback immediately, but reality works with its own pace. This is the kind of risk associated with effort. It is a personal investment with our time and energy but the returns are never 100% predictable. Whether it is studying for the final exam, working hard on a project, pursuing a relationship or learning a new language.

Of course there is never any harm with improving ourselves or doing what our hearts desire when we have the capacity to do so. To me, I wouldn't dare to risk it all. Perhaps this is why people say I am too rational and boring. Well, the price is mine to pay and sometimes it hurts like hell. Therefore I should try my best to accept reasonable opinions. As friends who care for me, I know some of you feel disappointed watching me stumble as I stay stubborn until the end. We view things differently, and we value things differently. Nevertheless, we should always put effort into the things that we like. We should obtain maximum returns whenever possible so as to not waste any opportunities that emerge in our lives. If you love someone, love her with everything. If you want to know someone, start asking around. It only takes a bit of effort. If you want to live, put some effort into it. Take care and enjoy Thursday!!

Secrets and me

I wasn't going to blog about this topic earlier but it seems like I have a lot of things to write about. Well it also happens that I had a conversation with a friend and also saw a related topic being highlighted in one of those Korean variety shows. I am sure most of you keep secrets right? Things that you do not want other people to know. Even things that other people do not want everyone else to know. I am referring to keeping secrets for others. We keep things from parents, friends and even partners to protect something that is more important in our own opinion. Oftentimes it is to maintain the peace within the relationship. But keeping secrets are not always easy or fun even though it might seem to be so especially when you are teasing people about it. Some people will bring secrets to their death while some will eventually talk about it. I hope I will not be too late for the people that I care the most.

Of course the people that I care the most now are my parents. I bet some of you keep secrets from your parents too. I think I wasn't too tight-lipped about everything that happens to me because sometimes I drop tell-tale hints when something is wrong. I mean people that know me will know I show my emotions rather easily even now. Usually I only keep the bad things to avoid them worrying or to avoid being lectured. Isn't that how communication with parents work? I guess it all started back from form 6, when things start to get complicated. Well it was complicated even before but it got embarrassing at the same time I guess. However some things happened so far back I don't think they are worth talking about now. It is not going to change anything that happened or the future either. The most important thing is to get secrets that involve them personally out in the open when the time is right I guess.

I do have a lot of drama during my university days. But I doubt those involved will care about what actually happened or the real feelings behind everyone's fake smiles now that we are all past that point. It simply does not matter anymore. I don't think anyone will have any regrets about it except for the fact that it was a secret. Sometimes I do find myself thinking what would have happened if the truth was let out instead. But life is always a one way road and the decisions we made will stay with us forever whether we like it or not. The funny thing about secrets is that one would often lead to another simply because we want to keep it a secret in the first place. There are times when the secret is found out and it was categorized as an elaborate lie instead. I guess that is true because we are hiding the truth or at least evading it.

It was fun talking about secrets that you share with people after all this time though. It is great conversation material and also it makes you think about all the stupid stuff you did for the secret. Well perhaps only what I did was stupid. You do feel relieved when another person shares the secret though I don't really know why. Logically, having another person know the truth will double the chance of it getting found out because you can't really control that person. Maybe you feel that you can share the burden and another person acknowledges the truth. Usually that person is very important to you and you do not want the person to be one of those that misunderstand you for the secret. Sometimes it is because the person has useful information and secrets are traded. Such is how our world works nowadays. Anyway it is getting late and I think I should stop now. I have been cutting my posts from the standard 5 paragraphs nowadays. Hope I can still keep this up for a while longer. Take care and enjoy Wednesday!!!

Photographs and me

I am quite tired today after pushing myself during the workout. It feels so good to run on well-recovered legs. Usually I am running around 70% capacity but thanks to the rather relaxed routine during the weekends, my legs had a chance to rebuild. My arms and shoulders are not so lucky though. I guess I am pushing them more now since I am trying to tone my chest. Apparently the only way to really work the chest is through the arms and shoulder exercises. I have somewhat flabby arms anyway so all is good. I just hope they do not inflate that much. My left arm is already showing symptoms of the 'American' workout with all the veins popping. My right arm which is developed slowly via badminton is kind of solid without severe veins. The reason why I pump up my left arm is because I hope I can achieve balance between my left and right side. It is too bad I realize it too late. My legs also are not that balanced due to constant running in a single circular direction. Now I tend to split the rounds with half being clockwise and then counter-clockwise.

Onward to today's topic, I will like to talk about photographs. As social media keeps on growing, most of us spend a lot of time looking at pictures of other people. Photos of events that we couldn't attend, photos of their travels, photos of themselves or photos of people they know. We keep in touch with what is happening with our friends in Facebook by looking at their photos. In a way it is some form of entertainment for many. I am sure many of us have laughed at silly photos or photos with silly captions or comments. From a photograph we can gain so many different things. Some people gain knowledge or become curious to know about something, someone or a location. A photograph can become a topic of discussion. A photograph can build or break a relationship. How many of you become attracted to a person simply by looking at photographs? Sometimes from photographs you can try to imagine the person.

But most importantly is that photographs are used to capture a moment forever. I guess I have touched this topic before in the memento post. Well perhaps I won't touch on the emotional aspect of keeping photographs but today I found out it is useful to proof a point. Somehow an event or a moment in the past can be immortalized with a digital photo stored in the Internet. It could work for or against you depending on what the photo is about. In my case, I was trying to show how I look during my university days. A photograph shows you were somewhere, doing something and being another version of yourself. It would be kind of boring if a person keeps almost the same look throughout the years. Apparently my skin was smoother and my hair is much more curlier. I guess it is true to say that a photograph provides a window to the past as you relive it, memories flooding in and feelings welling up.

Maybe I should start taking more photos. Especially photos that highlight the major changing points of my life. I don't really have much photos of my first job though. And my phone died during my convocation so I didn't take much photos either. My parents were disappointed and furious. Well I have never liked photos so I don't really feel the same as my parents. Perhaps it was due to my lack of confidence about my looks. I seldom liked how I look in photos. I guess I need to practice more on my own. It is no exaggeration that knowing which angle you look best in is an art. I just hope my housemate won't catch me posing in front of the mirror or opening the webcam on my laptop just for fun. Anyhow I will be taking a photo of my monthly workout progress by the end of this week. A few years down the road maybe I will be looking at them or showing it around hopefully having achieved my objective. Take care and enjoy Tuesday!!!

Values and me

I am not sure if I have blogged about this before but I think I have touched this issue one way or the other in my previous posts. I actually thought about the topic since this morning when I went to UKM. First of all I want to highlight the values people display in public. It has been a long time since I went on the old school KTM service which is a public short distance train. This is the only direct transit from the city center to the outskirts where UKM is located. And I was reminded of all the reasons why I hate it. People cutting each other while queuing, blocking passengers from disembarking before entering the carriage and pushing others to make way. All this seldom happen with the Light Rail Transit service I frequently use near my house. I do not mean to offend the people who live in the rural areas but this is how I see it. One of them even sat on the floor while staring at other passengers. Does he enjoy the view? There was an uncle who makes weird sounds and smells bad with disheveled clothes. What is going on through their minds?

But I am not entirely innocent either. I didn't extend a hand to help a blind passenger. I talk and laugh loudly when I go out with my friends. It is less severe to an extent but I cannot simply brush it off as 'common behavior' either. The talking and laughing has improved a lot since my younger days but I still couldn't exactly help someone in need. I think primarily I want to avoid trouble or getting involved with strangers. I do have the simple courtesy of getting out of the way or offering my seat to them. I am sure there are more that I didn't mention but my brain is kinda stuck right now. But I do want to stress it is always better to be polite and treat others better. At least it makes everyone feel more pleasant and things will be done smoothly and easily without additional trouble. I believe everyone simply want the day to end without incidents. Anything good that happens will be a bonus. And that might include a simple 'Thank you' or 'Have a nice day'.

I try not to touch too much on personal values. My major complaint is people who do not open up their minds for new ideas or opinions. And they still keep on going about the importance of innovation and creativity. Perhaps the best way to sum it up is direct hypocrisy. I am not sure if I am guilty of this as well but I hope I am not. Sounds familiar? I guess you can see this kind of stuff everywhere now. We can only try our best not to succumb. I actually have a lot more to say because just like everyone, I have complaints about the values of other people that clash with mine. But you never know how what you say may come and stab you in the back. I think I am too direct in my opinions and too blunt in my words. This is actually more or less a 'grey' area. It might be the best way to go for some but it might be better to lie for others. Furthermore the results depend on too many other uncontrollable variables. For example, the person's mood.

I guess that is all about values and people. Today, nothing much happened after the UKM trip. I managed to hook up my laptop with my PS3 with the former acting as a media server. Now I can play HD files directly from my laptop using my PS3 which will render it in true HD. My laptop is not really capable of that. Earlier as I went shopping, I find more and more evidence that looks and appearances are not exactly a major factor in a relationship. I guess I am misguided in that aspect but I still think there is nothing wrong with my pursuit. I guess I am pretty stubborn. My body still remains mostly the same and is recovering well. The coming week I will reduce my workouts as part of my new plan to include a 'rest' week to induce more recovery. I will also try to introduce new diet changes. Mostly is reducing more carbohydrates and start buying eggs. That's it from me, take care and enjoy Monday!!!

Regrets and me

Since I am already on a roll from yesterday, might as well continue right? To me, a regret is a feeling of guilty to yourself about a decision you made. This is actually a rather unique scenario because it is applied in a third person mode. We are feeling sorry to who we are now, what we experienced or perhaps suffered due to something we did in the past. Furthermore we are only capable of regret after the event. We cannot regret something we haven't done yet. Because only then we can get feedback from the other variables involved in the event or decision such as other people. With the feedback, we apply our own values and see if it is correct, wrong, worthwhile or a complete waste of time. We have no limits to regrets. We can regret what we had for breakfast, we can regret buying that item and we can regret speaking to someone. But the funny thing is, regrets change as time passes.

We may regret something for a different reason later, or we might even stop regretting about that certain event when we found out it was actually 'correct'. Everyone grows, everyone changes as time goes by as long as he or she continues living. Therefore, our way of thinking or perspective might change. Our circumstances also may change unpredictably. Therefore, none of us actually qualify to say what we are doing now is correct or criticize what others do. Things may not have worked out for ourselves but we may never know if it may work for another person simply because they are different. No two people in this world is exactly the same as each other. Anyway I shouldn't stray from the topic too much. We should never ignore advice given by others so quickly though. Even if it is not useful or not relevant, after all, it is their life experience and ignoring it may mean undermining what they went through. Quite dramatic but there is some grain of truth.

Some people do get consumed by their regrets though. We do not get second chances very often especially when it involves other people or a life-changing situation. Regrets are amplified when our current circumstances are worst than before. Then we will find ourselves constantly thinking about the past when we are much happier. From there, we tend to analyze why we are in such a rut and will pin point it to a decision we made. However, there are people that manage to 'live without regrets'. How do you interpret it actually? Do we try to live doing everything we wish to do or do we try to live by totally ignoring our past and only looking forward? To me, the statement itself is a bit naive but I guess we should just take the simple meaning and be happy. Even so, we should always be honest with ourselves because lying to yourself will only create more regrets in the future.

I guess I can continue on and on about what I think about regrets but I choose to stop here. I am actually sitting in the living room with the TV on because I am home alone today. And trying to come up with a post while being distracted is pretty difficult and tiring. Tomorrow I will once more head over to UKM to meet my brother and my parents. Hopefully the weather will be fine. It has been raining almost the whole day today. Thanks to that, it is cool and comfortable now though. The rest of the day is peppered with some office work and light exercise. Nowadays I am worried about how my seniors evaluate my working performance. Perhaps I have been rather slow lately. Time to pick up the slack I guess. Even though there is nothing wrong with being hardworking but the problem is sometimes I couldn't bring myself to do it. Anyhow, this is it from me. Take care and enjoy Sunday!!!

Limits and me

Took me a while to come up with the title. I will try to keep it short because I am very tired and sleepy now. First of all, I am aware that there are limits which are never meant to be broken. But, not all limits are like that. We should never close our eyes and stop questioning. What I hate the most are limits imposed by others either consciously or unconsciously. Just because you cannot do it, or as far as your knowledge extends there are no one who did it before, doesn't mean someone in the future cannot do it. Even so, why can't you just keep it to yourself and choose to humiliate yourself like that? At the very least, question the topic before making such a quick judgement by yourself. How many of you readers enjoy breaking the stereotypes deployed by the general public? Of course I meant it in a good way. Being competitive in negative activity is not useful at all.

It is not the first time and definitely not the last time that people laugh when I say I won't go to the gym to get a 6-pack body. Their opinions aside, they should look at the mirror themselves. At least I am exercising. Anyway as I mentioned, some people like to proof people wrong or at least enjoy the concept. That is why rich uncles like to dress down I guess. It only shows how shallow our society is to judge so quickly. I am not saying I am exempted but I try to keep an open mind at all times. I also like to break the limits imposed by others. For now, I am concentrating on building up my body. This is why I said that my motivations are more towards negative emotions rather than positive ones. I think I have always been like that. Why do males have to keep short, boring hair? Why can't I do it this way? You can call it ego or demand for attention but try not to judge me so quickly either.

Thanks to the concept of limits and individuals that share some of my thoughts in this topic, we have people breaking world records in sports and achieving greater heights in their fields. This is not something limited to males only as I am sure some girls want to show the world they are not the cute mushy creatures that we think they are. Reality becomes much more interesting and interpersonal relationships take on a whole new dimension. Imagine a world where everyone just accepts the limits and stop questioning. How dull would things be? Maybe this has something to do with confidence. Even if everyone tells you it is impossible, but you believe in yourself and continue onwards to achieve the target. This is not something that everyone can do even though by all means they should. At least give it a serious thought or a try because there are things that will be forever lost once you miss it.

In love, I was limited by own insecurity and peer pressure that I wasn't good enough. Honestly, I have never heard those words from the girls that I tried to chase. I think most of us wish that we knew what we know now 10 years earlier. Living experience can only be obtained by living your life. If only I had such a reckless attitude in the past. Or a huge ego. The reason why I could run so far and so fast almost daily is because I assume people will be thinking I won't last 5 rounds. I should have gotten the girl when people said 'this fatso don't stand a chance'. No harm trying right? Who knows what will actually happen? Now I am aiming so much higher already. It is always good to have a target, objective or to make it dramatic, a purpose. And my purpose is to make non-believers eat their words and watch me do it. Even if I fail, I don't think there is anything to regret. Regret is another topic for another day. Take care and enjoy Saturday!!!

Valentine's Day 2012 aftermath

I guess sooner or later we will end up here. Today something very annoying happened and in order to forget about it, I will concentrate on the topic. Well this is not so much on how it affected me but it is just a gathering of my thoughts on it. First of all, single people that are going through this gets a hard reminder on the fact that they are still single and time is ticking. Couples get a reminder to show appreciation and cherish each other. So depending on how you look at it, I can only say it is for the best. Being sad or depressed about it, is something that we can control to an extent. After all, love is something not even the smartest person alive can possible comprehend. And it is definitely not something we can control. Else, there would already be a guidebook that works. For your information, I have never actually read such books before. All my information are gleaned from newspapers, magazines, movies, dramas and even anime.

Well, that just reveals any words of advice about relationships from me is not based on anything solid. So far I can only make logical deductions about it and everyone knows that it is impossible to even consider love can be rational. Being the 'sensitive' person that I am, I can immerse myself in a situation and come up with at least a general response though. Nowadays my 'skill' is rather dull because I am not allowed to be 'sensitive' and there is nobody for me to 'feel'. Once it reached such a level that I can practically come up with a 50% success rate of guessing what someone is thinking. Nowadays I get my fix from watching dramas and listening to songs while paying extra attention to the lyrics and underlying meaning. Gives me a good emotional workout but I tend to get too absorbed and end up being emotional too. I think a lot of my friends in Facebook will start to get tired of me posting my status updates soon.

Valentine's Day is not so sweet for everyone. A lot still needs to work, some even have a bad day. And yet they still carry on. A friend actually had to call his girlfriend to cancel a dinner date due to an emergency case. He knew she will be sad, but it has to be done and he has to come clean. In the end? Instead of the girl throwing a tantrum, she resolved not to let things go to waste and took things into her own hands. She cooked up a feast, put it into multiple containers and rode her scooter to visit her boyfriend still hard at work. When she arrived, he was so shocked he was speechless. He was happy at first but broke out in tears of regret as he could not even fulfil his promise to his beloved. You can say this is strategy from the female side but I choose to make things simple and simply view this gesture as pure and sweet. In the end, they took a nice picture sharing the meal and posted into Facebook. Everyone wished them well.

After listening to such a heart-warming story, I can't help but to think there is still hope for love. Not all relationships are materialistic. Not all girls are demanding and controlling. Not all guys are insensitive pricks with all the wrong priorities. However, with such obvious weaknesses, they still somehow manage to get together and make it work. I might feel pressured due to my biological clock but it is not that late yet. Mostly it is simply peer pressure. But I am sure my parents are worried about it too. How would she be like I wonder? For someone as picky as me, even I myself can't help but to laugh when I think about it. I wrote this post while listening to Korean songs about the hardships of goodbye, the joys of love and the misery of breaking up. It is amazing the amount of effort they put into the songs. And it is only fitting that they end up being on top of the charts. Due to the realistic lyrics, many people who understand can relate. Anyway, tomorrow is Friday so take care and enjoy!!!

Rest and me

Not really in the mood to write a lot now. Nothing really bad happened but nothing good either. Today spent quite a lot of money on food alone. Though as my mum used to say, money spent on good food is money well spent. Well it was delicious but I do not know if it will spoil my dieting efforts or not. Getting straight to the point, I speak about rest because today is my second straight day without exercise. I skipped badminton due to the insane jam brought on by the heavy rain around evening. I am due for a resting week but that actually starts middle of next week. But surprisingly, I do not think my body is ready for badminton either. Perhaps the damage was pretty severe or my dieting is actually hindering recovery. However, my dieting thus far only consists of having a smaller portion at the expense of carbohydrates. I guess it is very vital that I find a reliable source of protein outside of a meal instead of chocolate milk or fibre biscuits all the time.

Rest is actually something that everyone likes. Rest may be synonymous with holidays for a lot of people. The amount of pressure and burden on your physical and mental limits decreases and you recover feeling refreshed. But there are many cases where holidays are more hectic due to circumstances. Everyday we also rest on a smaller scale by sleeping. Nowadays I tend to only sleep for 6-7 hours daily and I have no idea if it is really enough. My mind and body still pulls through as usual but post-lunch drowsiness is still common depending on what I had. For many people, sleep is something akin to a reset button where we regain our rational and emotional composure. Some people sleep to forget painful events that happened knowing for sure that tomorrow will come and the day has passed. This method is not that useful for deep-rooted or reoccurring problems but it does provide some breathing room.

I guess I am simply babbling about some random topic now. One of my off days I reckon. It is not fair to say I have lost my interest in writing daily posts so quickly even though I have managed to do it except during Chinese New Year. There are days when I am just so excited to share my thoughts but then there are days such as today. Maybe I just need a rest once in a while. Nevertheless, I will keep on trying my best to come up with good reading material and food for thought. Rest is important in whatever we do. Simply charging head strong may not get you anywhere. Why not try sitting down, rest to regain focus and try to see things from a different perspective? Oftentimes we are so caught up in our own momentum that we tend to miss out some important details. Not everyone have a helpful friend to point things out for you every now and then.

I find myself always grumpy with a heavy heart. Maybe I am just frequently hungry and tired due to my workout efforts. Perhaps it is actually harming me more and I should give it a rest. Maybe what I have been doing so far is harmful because it keeps on reminding me of what I lack and what I want. It is not as serious as feeling helpless but the constant feeling of longing and emptiness at times. This is the hazard of being motivated by negativity as it might grow to become uncontrollable and eventually overcomes me. Honestly, I think it is a double-edged sword. I do believe it inspired me to make some important choices. I bet if I had a hot chick by my side, I won't even bother working out. For now though, I guess I should keep going and see how things turn out. It is about time I go to sleep and see what tomorrow has in store for me. Take care and enjoy Thursday!!

Valentine's Day 2012

Well I guess things should take a chronological order today. First of all, nothing good happened. Well being safe and normal is good enough I guess. The day started normally except that I was really hurting from 4 days straight of exercise. I tried to do some stretching but some of my joints are really painful. Anyway I got to the office nevertheless and went on as usual. Found some new songs in Youtube and listened to some old ones. I really respect the creativity of song and music composers. They can deliver wonderful music to pair with meaningful lyrics. Some of them really got to me and I really enjoy listening to them over and over again. Even though I tend to feel my heart squeeze going through the lyrics but somehow it feels comfortable and familiar. I do wonder how come only some of us can actually convey our feelings via music. I can't even come up with an original tune which is kinda sad because I think this is what people call the insurmountable wall of talent.

Well the day pass by rather quickly considering there is music and there is work. However I was quite close to meeting an accident today. I guess I really am lucky. As the light turned green and the rest of the traffic started moving, I wasn't really my usual self and was rather slow in the acceleration. Maybe because this is not my first time witnessing cars still blazing through red traffic lights. In the end I guess this saved my life. Sure enough a car dashed through and I bet it couldn't have stopped in time especially when the road is still wet after the rain. Speaking of the rain, due to my body's current condition I decided to give it a rest today. I still can make it for a run but I think I shouldn't push that hard. Nowadays whenever I feel down, I just want to exercise harder. I tend to feel peaceful after that. Sounds like misery is my motivation. Distractions are only temporary in the end.

Dinner time came and spotted some couples at the coffee shop. One of the females are really pretty and I think she overdressed for black pepper chicken rice though. Maybe they have further plans later. After the meal, I tend to hang out at the cybercafe for a bit before heading back home. Again I saw couples but seems so wrong to be spending such a day idling in front of a computer together. And again, maybe they are just passing time. Back home, I managed to secure the TV since the houseowner seems to be working today. As expected, even the Korean channel is showing a Valentine's Day special. It was kind of thought-provoking but the better show only comes afterwards. Variety shows never cease to make me laugh. Their MCs have a natural talent to make anything funny and also come up with awesome one-liners. Some of them are not awarded the title of 'National MC' for nothing.

Anyway that is how my day played out. Pretty normal if you ask me. How nice it would be to actually have someone to spend it with. I think even drinking with another dude wouldn't be so bad. But there are only a few people that would actually convince me to choose them instead of staying at home and laughing at Korean shows. I am too afraid to make the mistake of committing my time to people I am not that close with. In the end, I will just get irritated during the session and it might not end well. You know the feeling when you realized you prefer to be somewhere else. Perhaps I am too much a coward for falling in love too. It requires great bravery to actually fall in love and trust another person with your hopes, feelings and the future. Anyway, again I was reminded that this kind of stuff cannot be rushed. Weirder things have happened before so the possibility is always there. Take care everyone and enjoy Wednesday!!

Time and me

Sometimes I wonder, if I write down everything now, what will I write the next year around the same time? Of course I wish for things to change but what if they do not? Maybe I will stop writing before then. But I guess for now, I need the mental exercise. Physically I am more or less broken. Well the things people do for a better appearance. I can't use health as an excuse anymore. I dare say my health is already better than most and if I keep this routine I should be okay. However, I still push myself to do more, to strain my body and to increase my strength. Perhaps it is just a target for me to achieve. It is free after all and I can see results the harder I work for it. It is nice compared with working for things we can't change or control. Well us humans typically have low attention span and is generally interested in things that respond quickly. This is one of my longest projects and I think it is actually a lifelong commitment.

Told you I got a weird gift of twisting the conversation to fit my topic. Naturally another lifelong commitment will be love. And time will test how strong the love is. A quick question, how many people do you know that took a day off tomorrow to celebrate Valentine's Day? From that amount of people, how many are celebrating it the first time throughout their relationship? I guess you can see the pattern I am trying to point out. As relationships mature, sometimes the spark dies out. I know a lot of people mentioned this before but it is true to a certain degree. People tend to take things for granted when they know they already 'got' it. I am not asking females to constantly keep their male partners guessing if they are committed but most of the time, males are to blame anyway. It is not good to always act 'cute' or demand attention when you are breaking 30 years old either. We must mature and improve ourselves together with the relationship.

Imagine this, you go out with your partner for a simple dinner, spending time conversing and having a good laugh. Then you whisk her away for a short trip to a nice quiet spot. Works better if you are riding a motorcycle or a convertible heading to the beach. But most probably it will be crowded now. So maybe to the park near her house? I hope the crime rate there is not high. Continue the chat as you walk around the cold windy night and maybe have some fun on the see-saw or the swing. End it while sitting on the bench, a slight peck on the cheek and wishing her 'Happy Valentine's Day'. Though usually reality always have a way to spoil things, it would be really nice if everything played out accordingly. Quiet, simple and I think quite a sweet gesture to tell her 'I still cherish you'. But most probably this will not work on a materialistic girl. Creative people improvise. Get her a necklace and help her wear it after the peck. What about next year? I will think about it next year.

Anyway, I don't think Valentine's Day is supposed to be worth only a dinner because well it is the entire day. However, what do I know right? I have never spent Valentine's Day with a partner before so I won't understand how hard is it to come up with something for the next five to ten years. I started coming up with all these after watching some romantic comedies and stuff. Anyway it is 5 minutes to midnight and I guess most if not all have their phones ready. Please for the love of humanity call to wish your partner. Unless you are thirteen years old, texting means insincerity. To those attached, congrats and good luck. To those still looking, stay strong. I sincerely wish that everyone I know will have a Happy Valentine's Day.

Partners and me

Time for another early post. I couldn't believe that I actually fell asleep so quickly that I do not even remember listening to the entire 3 minute song I put up. I knew something was off as I woke up this morning feeling much more groggy than usual but I just chalk that up as the effects of dieting. Nowadays, I am skipping supper even though I might go to sleep hungry. I thought I would wake up once I ate breakfast. It did improve slightly but after that I engaged in exercise and I think the rush must have overwritten the drowsiness. Anyway back to the topic, I guess it is unavoidable that we will be exposed to Valentine's Day material everywhere. Articles were all over the paper today. Therefore, starting today until Tuesday I will blog about my opinions on relationships and the day itself. I promise it will be something new.

First of all, according to an article in a newspaper, girls nowadays do not appreciate the boys getting them flowers, chocolates or cakes anymore. I doubt they would even be satisfied with a restaurant dinner. The task is upon us males to make the day special and unique for as long as the union continues. But, in the more mature relationships I see, all hope is not lost for us guys. I have seen a lot of pictures and status updates in Facebook and some of them actually states that the girl gave the boy a present. I think that is wonderful and that should be the way. Valentine's Day is not simply 'cherish the female' day. It is to cherish the relationship. The female could show her affection and gratitude as well. It would be a very pleasant surprise for the male and he would be much more willing to put effort into making you happy as well. Most importantly though, do not be calculative.

As I wandered along the shopping mall earlier, I managed to sight quite a few beauties walking around. But I am never a believer of love at first sight. What about you readers? This discussion is actually worth an entire post itself but I will try to keep it short. I think that those that do get attracted is due to a certain event going on. For example, the girl might be smiling as she interacts with a baby or a kid. Or, she might be the jewel in the rough as she goes about as a waitress? It depends on what you personally value I guess. So far, of both girls that I have fallen for in the past, I have known them for quite a bit. There were no feelings at all in the beginning. I don't think we argued but we never really got close either. It is ironic though that I suddenly found myself falling for them after witnessing a certain event that they are a part of. Does that count?

Speaking of personal values, I think they change as time passes by. When we were young, I think there wasn't much thought about how suitable a person is except for the feeling and looks. She looks okay, you feel good about her, talking to her is very comfortable and fun, and that is already a prime candidate. Nowadays, I think we look for more or perhaps more specific. At least for me, I find myself attracted to independent women but mostly those that are capable of doing chores. I am not asking for a maid as a wife but I would have more respect for you, if you are not a spoilt princess. I am looking for someone to take care of me just as much as I am looking for someone to care for. It helps also if she is good with kids and is very polite and kind. I hope my children will grow up in a loving environment and keep my temper in check. What about females? What do they seek? Health? Wealth? Status? Personality? Principles? I cannot promise wealth and status, but I can promise I will try my best with the rest.

Looks like it didn't take as long as I thought it would. Most probably because I am very keen on the topic. I do hope I can spread the messages found in this post around but I guess it would only be limited to the few loyal readers that I have. I was contemplating joining a blogging community but then I will have to put up with their standards. I know that I can ignore negative comments and I can just quit the community when I feel like it but is it worth the trouble? I hope I have managed to provide some food for thought and I guess that is it for now. Hopefully I will find more materials to write about tomorrow. Take care and do try to enjoy Monday!!!

Lazy and me

I thought I have written a post dedicated to my laziness before. Apparently I was wrong. Perhaps it is due to the extreme workout that I put myself through yesterday, but I am feeling spectacularly lazy today. I feel it is kinda extreme because at that time I was seriously intent on pushing my body to the limits. And somehow I was feeling irritated the whole day. It is just one of those days when everything and everyone is annoying. Or maybe it is just a condition unique to myself. Besides stress busting, exercise keeps me fit and shifts my attention to my sore body instead of wallowing in random bitterness. Since it is the end of another week, I took the time to feel up parts of my body to check if there are improvements. I still have around 2 weeks left until I need to take a progress picture. Stomach development has been slow honestly. Same thing with my triceps or under-arm muscles. Inner thigh looks good though. Weight is still annoyingly static.

If you think someone that willing dedicates at least half an hour a day exercising and stretching is not lazy, you are wrong. But I think it is conditional laziness. I mean who wouldn't want to spend time or effort doing things they like or feel worth it? Some people are more responsible and be more willing to spend time doing things they do not like. I honestly try my very best to avoid doing things I do not like. I would rather lie down on my bed and roll around than to do office work. I am sitting here blogging instead of looking up my office email or planning my work progress for the coming week. Perhaps it is just the thinking that I should not concern myself with work during the weekends. Problem is, I sometimes do not concern myself with work even at office.

However, I manage to survive thus far. Even though I am lazy, I cannot afford to lose my job so I will need to deliver my work eventually. Therefore, I will try to find the shortest and most efficient route of finishing my work. I also like to question existing work flow because there might be an easier way to doing it. In a way, I am being useful. However, I am well aware that not many companies accept my way of doing things. This is true especially with my previous company where simply sitting still for more than 10 minutes will invite questioning. We are expected to spend all our time hammering on the computer making full use of our time. Somehow this is true because they are paying us for the time spent working for them. What if I can finish a 2 day task in 1 and a half days? I am supposed to continue to the next one without rest? When will it end then? What will be my initiative to work so hard then? Should I simply work as needed only? That is why I suffered burn out.

Well the subject is rather subjective. As long as the company holds steadfast to the keyword 'results oriented', this means the boss will keep his nose out of my work ethics hopefully. If there is an ending in sight, or perhaps a reward at the end of the task, then yes, I will be at full force. Maybe this is what people call calculative. It is a fine line between that and fighting for my entitlement. Anyway, laziness is not always a bad thing. It is human nature and just like the rest of the 7 sins, if not in excess, it can be used for good. For example, some of the conveniences of modern life are invented because the old way is too time consuming or takes too much effort. The lazy ones identified with the need, started questioning the current solution and came up with a better idea. However, some us are leading sedentary lives because of modern amenities.

Speaking of calculative, I manage to read an article about people being stingy in a daily paper. Seems like the author must have been pissed off by a stingy person close to her. Yes, the author is female. The problem is, she posted a picture with the words 'wealth cannot be taken to the grave'. I disagree with that. Actually it depends on how you look at it. Wealth is not worth the health sacrificed, but being stingy with expenses might help with fund management. We cannot predict the future, so perhaps money can make some of us feel safer in this materialistic world. Especially those who are severely independent. To be shallow, somehow the quote is similar to people saying 'plans mean nothing in the grave'. Well, everyone is entitled to their opinion but reading that in the newspaper gave me a nasty taste. Take care, and enjoy Sunday!!!

Natural and me

I am a strong supporter for anything that is natural or not artificial. Well I wouldn't say going to the gym is artificial but I think purposely pumping iron doesn't feel like something 'natural'. The reason I suddenly thought of this is because it has been a recent topic of discussion with people in my social circle. A lot of them suggests that I should frequent a gym if I am really serious about building up my body. However, as a stubborn person, I refuse and prefer to find my own way. Just like so many other things that happened before, I am obsessed with proving the common thinking wrong. I just couldn't accept it when people say simply exercising in the park or doing sports is not enough. Even though results took a long time, but it is definitely showing. Hopefully by the end of this month, I can take a nice picture of my body. However, I support the notion about a change in diet. I think that is an unchangeable fact even if you do frequent the gym.

I also prefer people who are 'natural' or comfortable around me. I mean why take the long way and pretend to accept me or to be nice when deep down you hate my guts? It will just be unpleasant for the both of us. I think everyone also hope to be natural around people. It is kinda tiring to put up an act or to behave differently like you used to. But sometimes it just happens 'naturally'. For example, today during lunchtime I happen to share the lift with an attractive lady. As if on instinct, I did suck in my stomach and try to just look polite and proper. I guess since it only happens in front of someone attractive you can say it was to look good. Well you never know what will happen in the future right? Anyway I am not much of a show-off so it wasn't that bad. To people who act differently in order to accommodate me, I apologize for the trouble but please, you cannot do it forever so I leave the final decision to you.

Speaking of attraction, I also like girls who look 'natural'. I know make-up is an important component of a female's arsenal but some can really apply it without commoners like me noticing it. Please do not go overboard with the eye-liner, powder or whatever else you apply on your face. Some of them look so horrible with it, I was rendered speechless. True skills is when you can spot your own flaws and use the correct item to conceal it or to enhance your raw beauty. I know a girl who can look between the girl next door and a superstar simply by applying powder and lip balm. I do enjoy looking at Korean idols with their make up off. Some of them have pimples and it just shows that they are still people like the rest of us but with a different destiny. I think that makes me more attracted to them. They don't seem so distant and impossible though the reality is rather cruel I think.

Since we touched on Korean idols, I think inevitably we will end up at the plastic surgery discussion. Of course I would like to think that most of them didn't go under the knife. But if they did, I will feel a bit disappointed but I won't hate them. There are always rumours about them getting their eyelids or lips or even eyebrows modified. The only thing that will seriously disgust me would be breast implants. I was never a fan of size but more towards proportion and the entire package. Well it is their body. I don't think I will have my ears pierced or any other body modification though. Not even tattoos. At least not at this moment. Some of you might even remember a post from quite some time ago where I argued about tattoos with a colleague. To me, that is body modification to an extent.

Lastly, I guess nowadays I like to leave things to fate or whatever it is you want to call it. Career, friends, and even love will come naturally. There is only so much a person can do to control it. A lot of the decisive factor is held by the people around you and the circumstances that surround you. No point getting obsessed over something that is unpredictable. No risk, no gain some may argue but most probably I am not ready to take the risk. Nobody can predict your career future. Perhaps I can jump now and end up in the best company ever. Or the perfect nightmare. I can't control the kind of people that walk into my life so how do I control the 'friends' aspect? Since 'friends' is already so hard, 'love' would be harder. The chance encounter with the single person among everyone that will love you as much as you love back. Though there is a song that said guys should love the girl more? I don't mind. Take care and enjoy Saturday!!!

Me and everything else

The reason why I chose such a title because somehow I feel like I can relate to almost anything and everything that I observe in my daily life. I mean look at my blog. Which blogger you know could actually come up with posts at least 200 words long 80% of the time on a daily basis? I know I have just started for 2 months but 60*200 = 12000 words already. Even if I have prepared all this materials beforehand, at least acknowledge me for my dedication and writing prowess. All my posts will in one way or the other mention about things that happened on the day itself. Perhaps this just shows how creatively dramatic I could be by making a story out of something common. I am sure some people doubt the things that I write. And I am not here to say otherwise because that would just be annoying to both you and me. And now to relate this to something I saw earlier.

I think I will suffer from lack of sleep again because I am getting all riled up. Today I saw a show where the main character punched a guy for something he said. Due to his bad reputation, everyone blames him. Things get worst when a reporter is out to get him as well. How many of you have such a 'keyword'? So sensitive that when combined with content meant to annoy you will invoke a punch? Or at the least intolerable anger? I have a few actually. And I know how hard it is to keep it in. I have been trying for quite some time to take things less seriously. But combined with numerous factors, and you will get a one way ticket to the end of a friendship. I have honestly never punched someone for real but there were way too many times I wish I had. Kiddy fights do not count, what I meant is hospitalization and police reports. The only thing holding me back was the police reports anyway. I couldn't care less about their well-being.

Holding in all these negative feelings are bad people say. But sometimes that is the only thing to do. Especially when people misunderstand you and your words do not mean anything. Having best friends to help out is kinda idealistic. I am already thankful when there are no more 'friends' trying to dig a deeper hole for you. Same thing in the show. Even though it is wrong to assault people, but I think he just wants someone to understand his reason. It might be even at the level of betrayal when as a friend you also accuse him instead. This is a question of moral values I suppose. I know people who would help me hit back if someone were to spit on my head. Whereas I also know people who would stay out of it. Are they not my friends? I can't really say no. They are not supposed to let me indulge in harming others but is it really wrong to counter?

Recently I have started to practice air punching while holding 4kg weights in my grip. Hopefully, should the need really arises, my punch will mean something. Even though I know there are people who can punch while holding 10kg weights but I can only try my best. I am by no means training up my body to get into a fight, but I do not wish to be viewed as a pushover either. I guess my dislike for people in general never really subsided. Or perhaps I am way too sensitive? Maybe I am stressed out without realizing it. And I don't really like people calling me sensitive. Bad-tempered should be more accurate. Sensitive simply sounds wrong, ignorant and insulting. Anyway, it is thanks to this blog that I seem to rediscover numerous aspects of myself. I am still bitter.

As you can see, if you have been following my posts for the past 2 months, it is obvious that I myself contribute to my social problem. I never think of myself as someone easy to get along with. I am very direct, traditional, too rational and bad tempered. Can it really be considered bad tempered if I had a good reason for it? I guess no reason is good enough to start lashing out unless it was provoked intentionally. Is a joke directed at me intentional provocation then? I actually sighed at myself for making things so complicated especially when it is so late at night. Most probably because this is the only place where I can be truthful about my feelings. And this mute blog is the only one that listens. There are no facial expressions for me to guess, no wrong words for me to decipher. Take care and enjoy Friday!!!

Endings and me

I guess I ran out of fuel after so many emotionally-charged posts recently. Well we all have our ups and downs. It is just that mine seem so random even to myself. I couldn't sleep properly yesterday. I started questioning myself and also my path and my future. My brain was pretty active and I suffered at work today. Seems like a bit of an over-exaggeration I bet but if you know me well enough, you should expect me to over-think things most of the time. I need to learn how to let go and follow my instincts sometimes I suppose. Of course I hope that my life will not end up being so complicated and dramatic. And I know that my life is nothing compared with the others who are suffering elsewhere in the world. That is actually one of the most overused advice I have ever heard but I can't really come up with a good counter for it. If you are sad, then you are sad, how can you possibly cheer up thinking that other people are worst off than you are? That is just sick.

I always hated endings especially of all the good things that come rolling over. Of course endings to unpleasant events are always welcomed but that is the thing, we like it. So it doesn't really hit us that hard compared to the end of a good holiday for example. Ending of a drama means I can never be entertained by the character or the storyline ever again. No matter how much I re-watch it, it will come up basically the same time as the first time I watch it. That is why I hoard dramas and seldom watches them. Because I feel that it will lose value and I will lose something good. Even in computer games that I truly enjoy, I did not have the urge to finish it. I just want to continue playing. Even though I eventually outgrow this behaviour, I can still remember vividly how I simply save my game in front of the final boss and not go through with it.

In a more sentimental note, I think all of us hate the ending to a relationship. More so with family members or relatives. When it comes to an end, there will be no more. We may never see each other again, talk to each other again, laugh with each other again. But such is the rule of our reality. Anything that starts will end. Nothing lasts forever. We simply move on. We are forced to move on simply because as humans we will forget. Even the strongest of feelings, once the source disappears, there is nothing to rekindle the flame. That is why we keep mementos such as pictures or videos to record that moment hopefully forever. If things never end though, we may never grow and learn from it. If things never end, we won't cherish the time we have remaining. If things never end, I guess life will be bland.

I do admit that I take things too seriously or I think too much. But perhaps it is because I have simply lost so much that I cling so furiously to things that people take for granted. To avoid the agony of a mistake, I try so hard because there is nothing I can fall back on. I can only face it on my own. This may return to bite me in the future. I always try to justify my actions since after numerous considerations and third part opinions it is logically 'correct'. But the correct thing to do is hardly always the right thing to do. Many times we will find ourselves with a question with no correct answer. That is when our true value as a human being comes to light. And this is the conclusion that I seek yesterday. Now I can sleep properly I suppose. Take care and enjoy Thursday!!!

Vengeance and me

Coming from yesterday's post, I think it is only appropriate that I saw something that convinces me otherwise. Today I saw the conclusion to a Korean drama, aptly named Brain due to the neurosurgeon theme. As the main character walk through an empty corridor on his way to give a speech, with each step he remembers how far he has gone. All the betrayals, humiliation, tears and effort to achieve his vengeance and his ambition. As he reaches the end, an imaginary vision of his greatest obstacle and also his teacher asked him a simple question multiple times 'Are you happy now?'. True to his arrogance, he smiles and says definitely but as his teacher asked more, his facial expression changed. 'Are you happy even though you are going to lose someone you hold dear once more?' he asked. He could not answer. His principles and conviction shaken. All this while he buried everything and turned a blind eye. But feelings are not something so easily ignored.

And thus I look at myself. I walk around carrying all this hatred. I walk around without attachments and only concentrating on my goals. I bury my feelings and my desires for rational thought and circumstances. In my pursuit of vengeance against everyone will I completely lose sight of the one that truly cares for me? Will I not only shut out my own feelings but the feelings of another? Will I end up as the teacher or will I end up as the main character? Will I end up empty or fulfilled? I never wished for a solitary life. For now, I am living it due to circumstances. For now, I can only bear the humiliation and insults. Will I be forgiven for thinking like this? For taking this path? I do not know the ending nor can I give a rational prediction. I can only hope that I will make the right choice.

Appearances and me

I actually feel very tired now but I do not understand why. Nevertheless, being sleepy at the correct time is always welcomed. Hopefully I will be able to rest well and be more prepared for tomorrow and the rest of the week. The post will be short and hopefully more focused today. The day went about normally except for the fact that today is a holiday in Malaysia. The following incident happened during dinnertime when I am walking towards a chicken rice restaurant. Along the road, I will pass by a pub and a girl came walking out. Obviously I would stare a while trying to have a clearer look as it was quite dark. She glanced back, I could barely make out her features but I noticed her moving quicker. She glanced again shortly after while my gaze was still fixated on her. I think she was frightened. Do I really look like I will harm her?

I know some people who will have a field day highlighting my facial and physical features after hearing about this. It was pretty funny to me too. Being intimidating is not without its merits but usually it hurts when you are trying to make friends or at least a good impression. I do agree my poker face is pretty severe and usually my personality will shock people who barely know me due to the extreme difference. I guess I really should spend some time on the mirror and see how I really look like when I do some facial expressions. Need to make sure I lock the door properly though. People have been making fun of my looks one way or the other since as long as I could remember. Though thankfully, due to my stature, I was never bullied or at least they think it was too much work.

I just finished watching a Korean show on Astro called Vitamin earlier and as the name suggests, it is a health show starring Korean idols as guests. I need to make sure to catch the show next week as well. Each time the guests will differ based on the theme of the episode. Previously they invited actors, singers and comedians for the alcoholism episode. It revealed that stopping alcohol consumption completely for 6 months with healthy exercise lets you regain more than 60-70% of your liver health. A female idol was chosen as the worst drinker surprisingly. Today they talked about diets which is a very relevant topic to me. I plan to find and download the episode. But the most surprising thing I learnt is that even a Korean male idol with ripped abs and crazy arms have as much as 16% body fat. I always thought they will be at the lower 10s. As I watched the show, I can't help but think how much my percentage will be? 25?

Apparently my 'diet' is not really a diet since it is so different from what the show reveals. I still eat rice for example. Even though it is lowered to only 1 bowl per meal, it is still a huge factor. Previously I could down around 3 bowls easily. But how do I kick it up a notch? I do not have the financial capability to go about buying cooking utensils or quality food. Another thing that surprised me was that a person can lose 40kg and gain a lot of muscle in as little as 2.5 months with the proper gym training. Well, shortcuts exist for those that could afford it but I think I am already better than those who goes to gym but did not improve. Anyway, them being entertainers, I think they would have better access to those facilities than the common man. Perhaps they might even have more time for it depending on the circumstances.

Before I end, I wish to talk about another show I watched earlier. Yes it is Korean. But the scene it depicted is quite similar to what I did during university. I doubt any of those involved will be reading this so might as well go full throttle. Simply put, a girl I care about was sad and the guy who was chasing after her is also very concerned. So I get the weird idea that me and him take turns to 'accompany' her via any means necessary. We stayed up all night, with 1 hour shifts. I got bored of sleeping 1 hour shifts so I went up to him and have a chat. Many things were spilled. Sadly, both of them are not together now. Truthfully, I was interested in the girl at one point. Now? She is attached and I prefer it that way. Many things happened since then and we change, if you get what I mean. Surprisingly I managed to come up with full post content again. Take care and enjoy Tuesday!!!

Hunger and me pt2

This is a very misleading title. But I am too lazy too think of another and just to continue from where I left off yesterday, I eventually slept with a growling stomach. So far there is still no gastric incidents and I made sure I have a good breakfast this morning. I think being hungry is only good when you can eat. In my case, even when I eat, I need to count my spending. Now, I need to count my calories. Depending on how you look at it, there are pros n cons. I guess I just accepted that this is how it will be, so why not just make the best out of it. I think by dieting I managed to shave off some spending during meals but not so much in the overall picture. This is due to the various health food that I munch on now. I haven't even gotten started on eggs yet. I think my muscles might increase by a higher margin if I consume at least 2 eggs twice a day. For now, I take things slow and carefully.

Perhaps I can elaborate on 'hunger' from another perspective. I do yearn for many things, most importantly is acknowledgement and a partner. I an not really such a confident person and sometimes I do doubt if I am doing the right thing or not. That is why I need acknowledgement from the people around me to know that everything is going on fine. Well, maybe not acknowledgement but reactive feedback? I think this is common in interaction among humans. Which do you prefer? People simply nodding while looking elsewhere or engaging in a conversation with you? Same thing with work or life. If you are doing your task and you are contributing to the team, I think you deserve a pat on the back especially when it is done. Nothing demoralizes a person more than supporting the company for a period of time only to be ignored. Words do not mean much nowadays and promises are empty if the first one never came true.

I think most if not all of us yearn for a partner. A partner to spend time with, a partner to love and a partner to share or rely on when the going gets tough. Nothing seems to be more comforting than her embrace and her brilliant smile at this point. I honestly believe that love comes as fate. She will not love you simply because you are really interested, you really love her or you will work hard to make her happy. I don't think I will lose to some people in sheer determination or romantic ideas. She will only love you, when you get the chance for her to be attracted in the first place. You and her can be a match made in heaven but it matters not if you never see each other. A lot of people meet their partners via their social circle or colleagues. Coming from yesterday's post though, you know my odds are already horrible.

What else are we 'hungry' for? Fame? Well, a bit of fame won't harm anyone I think. I get my tiny bit of fame by being good and rude in online shooting games. I am very sure I am not desperate enough for fame to commit a crime. But I think a lot of us would have imagined ourselves as a famous idol in a particular industry or genre. What about money or property you ask? I already gave up on that ages ago. 'Life is too short to be miserable about money', an article wrote. To earn that much money, you need to sacrifice something of equal value as well. Fame and money rely on one thing in common that made me stay away : Luck. You do not get famous or rich simply by working hard. How many have failed that way? Both of them requires a blind leap of faith of a certain degree for you to succeed in the pursuit. And usually it is not only once or twice but much more than that. It is a risk that I am not capable of handling.

Due to hunger, we tend to appreciate food. Due to 'hunger', I become more sensitive and appreciate what others take for granted. I am by no means well to do or handsome or famous or skilful. But I do take steps to improve myself. One day I will step in Jogoya. One day I will be wearing expensive clothes and not be afraid to reveal a lean figure underneath. One day I will have a partner. One day people will acknowledge me. It will come. Rather optimistic but why be depressed about it when I can turn it as motivation for my vengeance against my circumstances? Everything I am jealous with, everything that I hate, it is stored and recorded in a corner of my heart waiting to be fulfilled. Maybe that is how I get my reputation for harsh paybacks. Even though I walk around in bitterness now, I walk around with a purpose. And this will make me appreciate my life and my time more. Take care and enjoy Monday!!!

Hunger and me

I do not understand why Astro only shows good food programmes so late at night. Here I am sitting in the living room trying to relax by watching TV and there is the guy mauling sautéed salmon. I wasn't hungry by a long shot and within 15 minutes of watching him go about tasting weird foods in Finland and my stomach growls. Seriously this is a rather extreme test of my will and discipline. Thankfully junk food is rather far away and my housemate is not at home. Hopefully I do not succumb as the night continues on. Well this is already not the first time and most probably it will not be the last time. I might say this is already a daily occurrence. But it seldom hits so early even though I had the usual dinner.

The diet has already been going on for quite some time. I did binge eat a bit during the CNY but I do not think it throws my fitness plan off course that much. My appetite has always been kind of a trademark for me. I tend to eat fast, huge portions and frequently too. As for the reason I do not get horribly overweight, I do not always get the chance to be full. Though I did hit 88kg during form6, that was due to home-cooking with infinite rice refills. Once I reach university, I realize how much I was eating and how much it costs to sustain myself. In the end, I ended up 66kg at one point. It fluctuated as I managed to get my motorcycle license and started heading to supper 4 times a week. Towards the third year, I started getting slim again as finances dwindle.

Once I graduate, I actually told myself I am going to find a job that enables me to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Never again will I starve, never again will I need to endure hunger. And now, here I am with my stomach growling. During uni days, I never managed to eat at Jogoya or other fancy restaurants. Depressing memories. Funny thing is, I still haven't eat at Jogoya yet. Apparently my graduation wish was too idealistic but it was just a simple wish, a honest dream. There were times when I think my immense appetite is a curse. I would always be left hungry as the usual 'large' portion available to the general public is still not enough for me and 2 orders are too much especially for my wallet. Many who witnessed my voracious hunger for food expressed envy as they think I can eat so much and still maintain my weight. Things were never so idealistic.

Thanks to my appetite, I was isolated by people who thought I was too stuck up to go out with them. Why? Because previously I only choose to eat at places with large portions. I will only go for places that serve filling food like rice. Steaks were off my radar even though I could afford them. Porridge, vegetarian food, sushi or anything remotely 'high class' is a waste of money to me. I never joined lunch, I never joined dinner and I seldom joined supper. In the end, I ended up taking lunch, dinner and sometimes supper alone. I would be sitting at a table alone. It was a very very sad point in my life. I don't really have much choice, I am judged incorrectly and I have no one to share it with. In the end, this stuck with me until now. I have always criticised the Christian belief that things happen for a reason. Apparently it is to prepare me for my future which is now.

Now with a stable job, I can easily follow people for a meal. However, as fate would have it, my housemate is rarely at home and my colleagues are attached. I find it hard to actually make friends with random strangers and that is about it. I still go eat alone, I sometimes watch movies alone because it is something I need or want to do and I can't really wait until someone is willing to accompany me. I try to take pride in it as a strength but it also shows that my social life is a disaster. Am I simply a loser created by circumstances? But people are not always so accommodating. They judge so quickly, you don't even have the chance to explain. I just have to live with it. Now, I can only respect and admire my parents for not only raising me, but my brother as well. It must have been insane. I hope I can do the same and let my child eat until he/she is full all the time. I guess I should stop here. And to think I have barely even started. Take care and enjoy Sunday!!!

Rain and me

Again I need to make this post short due to me being distracted by my housemate and ended up arriving home around 1am. Well I went out voluntarily knowing what they were up to but it seems kinda boring to just sit in my room even though there is plenty of entertainment. The rest of the day went about peacefully. As expected, my morning in the office is spent drafting an e-mail discussing the meeting the day before. I think it is a priority to voice out all my concerns soonest possible because most of the highlights in the meeting need to be implemented by the end of this short month. We can never be too careful in this things. The rest of the time was spent doing what I do best, surfing. Anyway, later on I managed to deliver something solid so my day was fruitful after all. However, in the evening, it rained.

I have nothing against the rain. It is true that it stopped me from going for a run today but I have exercised in the rain before. However, rain does increase the danger level of riding a motorcycle on the roads of KL. Thankfully, nothing has happened so far. If it rains while I am at home or in my room then I do not really mind. The cool air is always welcomed. Even if it extends till dinnertime I think I can just grab an umbrella and venture forth. Thunder and lightning is another issue altogether. But usually I feel peaceful or perhaps I even enjoy the rain. It is always nice to just gaze out into the rain and see it trickle and wave as the wind blows. If it gets really cold, it is a valid reason to get yourself a hot chocolate and enjoy the TV. Or just open some music and lie around on the bed until you doze off. Such a carefree life seems so ideal to some.

Sometimes I take things further. I do not mind being in the rain as long as I am heading back home. If I am heading out though, it will be embarrassing to be soaked and it might even cause a bout of flu. Somehow being soaked in the rain gives me a sense of freedom and peace. Perhaps it is my own ego or it truly has some kind of a psychological effect. Is it related to how people meditate under a waterfall? When I walk in the rain, I feel a higher sense of self and somehow my thoughts seem to gather around. I have never lie down in the rain before if you are wondering. I did sit in the rain a few times before I think. Perhaps I am peculiar this way but I am sure some people do enjoy being in the rain as well. Most probably for different reasons though.

Some people totally hate the rain though. I prefer to be cold and wet than hot and sweaty anytime. Tomorrow marks the beginning of another holiday as it is a long weekend and I will spend my time in KL. I am much too lazy to pack up and ride a train back home barely a week after my CNY holidays. Here at least I have a bit more freedom and more 'alone' time. Maybe I am too accustomed to doing things my way by myself that sometimes it seems inconvenient at home. At home I feel a responsibility to spend time with my family since I think that is my primary reason of going back. And my eating habits plus a whole lot of things need to be different. I think I changed a lot in that aspect. But I will take care of my parents. Hopefully nothing will ever change that. That's it from me, take care and enjoy Saturday!!!