Hunger and me

I do not understand why Astro only shows good food programmes so late at night. Here I am sitting in the living room trying to relax by watching TV and there is the guy mauling sautéed salmon. I wasn't hungry by a long shot and within 15 minutes of watching him go about tasting weird foods in Finland and my stomach growls. Seriously this is a rather extreme test of my will and discipline. Thankfully junk food is rather far away and my housemate is not at home. Hopefully I do not succumb as the night continues on. Well this is already not the first time and most probably it will not be the last time. I might say this is already a daily occurrence. But it seldom hits so early even though I had the usual dinner.

The diet has already been going on for quite some time. I did binge eat a bit during the CNY but I do not think it throws my fitness plan off course that much. My appetite has always been kind of a trademark for me. I tend to eat fast, huge portions and frequently too. As for the reason I do not get horribly overweight, I do not always get the chance to be full. Though I did hit 88kg during form6, that was due to home-cooking with infinite rice refills. Once I reach university, I realize how much I was eating and how much it costs to sustain myself. In the end, I ended up 66kg at one point. It fluctuated as I managed to get my motorcycle license and started heading to supper 4 times a week. Towards the third year, I started getting slim again as finances dwindle.

Once I graduate, I actually told myself I am going to find a job that enables me to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Never again will I starve, never again will I need to endure hunger. And now, here I am with my stomach growling. During uni days, I never managed to eat at Jogoya or other fancy restaurants. Depressing memories. Funny thing is, I still haven't eat at Jogoya yet. Apparently my graduation wish was too idealistic but it was just a simple wish, a honest dream. There were times when I think my immense appetite is a curse. I would always be left hungry as the usual 'large' portion available to the general public is still not enough for me and 2 orders are too much especially for my wallet. Many who witnessed my voracious hunger for food expressed envy as they think I can eat so much and still maintain my weight. Things were never so idealistic.

Thanks to my appetite, I was isolated by people who thought I was too stuck up to go out with them. Why? Because previously I only choose to eat at places with large portions. I will only go for places that serve filling food like rice. Steaks were off my radar even though I could afford them. Porridge, vegetarian food, sushi or anything remotely 'high class' is a waste of money to me. I never joined lunch, I never joined dinner and I seldom joined supper. In the end, I ended up taking lunch, dinner and sometimes supper alone. I would be sitting at a table alone. It was a very very sad point in my life. I don't really have much choice, I am judged incorrectly and I have no one to share it with. In the end, this stuck with me until now. I have always criticised the Christian belief that things happen for a reason. Apparently it is to prepare me for my future which is now.

Now with a stable job, I can easily follow people for a meal. However, as fate would have it, my housemate is rarely at home and my colleagues are attached. I find it hard to actually make friends with random strangers and that is about it. I still go eat alone, I sometimes watch movies alone because it is something I need or want to do and I can't really wait until someone is willing to accompany me. I try to take pride in it as a strength but it also shows that my social life is a disaster. Am I simply a loser created by circumstances? But people are not always so accommodating. They judge so quickly, you don't even have the chance to explain. I just have to live with it. Now, I can only respect and admire my parents for not only raising me, but my brother as well. It must have been insane. I hope I can do the same and let my child eat until he/she is full all the time. I guess I should stop here. And to think I have barely even started. Take care and enjoy Sunday!!!